today in chapel...

...I was called to walk the walk. Not walk the plank (although it felt just as dangerous with the sea of crocodiles - also known as teenagers and my colleagues - as my audience). But walk the walk of the proverbial talk that I share with my students each day. "Talk" that includes doing things that scare you, putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable. And my own "talk" for 2011 that also included making myself vulnerable and saying "yes" to more things (and "no" more often to other things). Damn it's tough to listen to yourself.
But I did it. Against my wishes to run and not walk...run away, that is...I stayed put and I read in chapel. Not just the daily reading (I've done that before and it's okay - only a little nerve wracking), but something of my own. Here's the background.
We have a literary journal at school that the students submit work for each year. And in an effort to "drum up business" or solicit submissions, our literary journal sponsor thought it would be a great idea for some faculty members to share their writing with the student body in chapel. Yes! This is a great idea I thought as I read her email. And an even better idea since it would not include me since I'm not a writer. I leave that to my colleagues in other departments. So when Hope approached me and said, "So...about Monday's chapel, would you be willing to share something?", the blank look on my face probably mirrored the blank look that I offered another colleague today when he started talking Physics in my office. But Hope was quick to jump in and say, "Don't tell me that you don't have anything to offer. You have at least two years worth of blogs!" I laughed and said, "That's not writing. That's my blog. Besides, how boring for everyone sitting in chapel." But as I was saying this a voice cropped up in my head and said, "Do not use that 'it's not worthy of being read in chapel since you're not a writer like other people are' as an excuse not to read...even if you're scared." Terrified would be more like it. And embarrassed. And really not wanting to do it. But saying "yes" anyway.
See this is where my New Year's Resolution gets me in trouble! I'm really supposed to be saying "no" to things...except for that I'm also supposed to be making myself more vulnerable and open myself up to different things and say "yes" to things I normally wouldn't. And so I said "yes" to this even though my head was saying "what in the world are you thinking?"
I ran into Kimberly later that day and she said, "Are you doing this thing in chapel on Monday?" I said, "Well, I said 'yes' but I'm really not sure that was the right thing to say. Are you?" She replied, "I told Hope I would if you would." This solicited a full-belly chuckle from me. You see, Kimberly is a real writer. A published author, in fact. So why it brought me comfort to know she'd be up there with me to read, I do not know!!! It should have sent me straight to Hope and said, "Ummm...I really can't read after or with Kimberly. She's way too real." Instead, we made a wonder-twin like pact to do it together. And went our separate ways without talking of it again, as if our ignoring it would somehow make it go away.
No such luck. Or maybe all the luck.
Monday rolled around and I arrived in chapel early (as requested), blog entries printed in a larger than usual font, trying to breathe normally. I had explained to my advisees that I wouldn't be sitting with them in chapel and that they were to behave well and smile at me if I looked out in horror. So I joined Kimberly, Jennifer, Hope, and Rob at the front of the chapel. And we were all scared. We were all having misgivings. We were all joking about how we could get out of this. And we were all committed to our students. How else on earth could I ask them to put themselves out there if I wasn't willing to do that? How could I ask to see a rough draft of their essays if I couldn't even read a blog entry to them?
The bell rang, chapel started, our readings happened, and our shaking didn't cause the chapel to crumble down. And we didn't get booed away from the podium. And if people thought my blog entries were stupid or plain not very good, well, they were much too polite to say anything. And even if just one student felt as if I gave him/her permission to not be the most polished writer or if someone connected to something that I wrote about writing or yoga, well, then it was worth it. And personally, even if I didn't reach anyone, it was worth it for me to walk the walk. It pretty much always is.

friday quotation

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive."
~Howard Thurman

there but for the grace of God go I...

In case I don't express it well, this is a post about humility, plain and simple. When I dropped this cake off the folks who received it on Raven's behalf reminded me of how much joy a simple cake brings to these kids. And again I thought, "Why her? Why them? Why not me?" Not that I was wishing some awful childhood experience on myself, but it did make me think that we're all just one step, one twist of fate away from a very different life. And when I see what some of those twists could have held for me...where some different paths would have led me...I sit back, set my worries aside, and lift up a quiet prayer of thankfulness - "there but for the grace of God go I."
And with that prayer today, I handed the man on the street a Clif Bar from my pantry (part of my clean out in an attempt to eat more gluten-free), gave him a smile, and drove away. I wish I could say that it made me feel better. I guess, in some small way, it did. But I think that thought of being one step away from a very different life will always humble me...and in a way upset me, because I don't think I will ever understand it. Why him and not me? I know, I know...there are maybe a million very simple answers. But there are also some really complicated answers and those are the ones that leave me with a dull ache as I drive away.
Usually as I keep on driving, I get distracted by something else and that ache subsides until I see the next person asking for food or money. But today, I didn't get a break. My turn off of Lamar brought me behind a school bus. It soon stopped and a little girl in a wheelchair who seemed to also be challenged in some other ways was lowered down to the street where her mother (or someone who looked at her with mother's eyes and with a mother's heart) greeted her with a broad smile. And I thought, "And just what do you have to complain about, Elizabeth?"
It's not that the lives of these folks are pitiful or that they'd want me to feel sorry for them. And I don't feel sorry for them in any sort of condescending way. But when I see those for whom the daily act of survival is clearly more challenging than it is for me, I'm struck by how fragile all of our lives are. By how quickly any one of our situations could change. By how lucky we are in the present if we have exactly what we need...or even most of what we need. And that if we really look at our lives closely, many of us probably have much more than we need.
I can't even begin to make sense of why it all works this way. All I can do is continue to be humbled and to lift up that prayer of gratitude - "there but for the grace of God go I" - and do what I can with what I have. Share the excess that is in my life - even if it's just an extra smile or an extra energy bar from my pantry.

some things I know...

...on a Monday night (reflecting back on the past few days).
Sometimes the thing you need most at the end of a week is a night of roasting a chicken with fresh herbs and veggies infusing your cozy home with comforting smells of love and care. Even if it's your own self-love and self-care.
Sometimes you just need some elementary school and high school drama (on stage...not the melodrama of high school life!) to give you a full belly laugh...and a stomach knotting cry.
Sometimes doing something that makes my head hurt reminds me that I've chosen the right path professionally...because I don't normally have to do said head hurting activity!
Sometimes it's better to cheer at a race than to be racing (okay...a lot of times!).
Sometimes you surprise yourself (again...perhaps more times than not!).

friday quotation, friday farmshare, and friday fortune

It's sort of like I'm making up for three days of not posting by doing a post that includes three things. Sort of.

Friday quotation: "She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful." ~Terri St. Cloud

Friday farmshare (I love you, greens...but I'm ready to say good-bye to you until next winter! I do not love you, beets...but I'm ready to say good-bye to you, too!):Friday fortune: So this is funny. Or at least it was funny to me. I was walking out of building at school today and noticed a thumbtack on the floor. I leaned over to pick it up thinking that was not a good place for a thumbtack. I walked a couple of steps and noticed a slip of paper on the floor. Not as bad a place for a slip of paper as for a thumbtack, but I picked it up nonetheless. Turned out to be a fortune from a fortune cookie. Technically, I guess that makes it someone else's fortune, but I sort of think maybe it was also meant for me. "Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later." A colleague of mine pointed out that maybe the combination of the thumbtack + the fortune meant that I was supposed to tack it up above my desk as a reminder...or a hope...or something. Who knows what it really means, but it's within my view as I sit at my computer. I'll let you know if that fortune appears!

reading my mind?

As if my "teachers" for my Mondo Beyondo class were reading my mind with my Valentine's Day post, this was the picture that accompanied our lesson yesterday. Could it have been more perfect? I don't think so! It was as if the universe was sending me a message and offering me the answers to what will happen when/if I do make myself more vulnerable. That the love will come in. And here I was thinking that a more vulnerable heart was mostly about what I had to offer to others. I suppose it really does work both ways so this was an awesome balance to my perspective. I love it when the world works like this. It makes me feel like what my yoga teacher suggested this morning - that we're all connected in some invisible but very powerful way. And that makes me feel energized and alive and ready to go out into the world and be my best self. (Or maybe that was all of those warrior three poses that we did in class today?!)

on February 14...some thoughts about love

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
~C.S. Lewis

This is my 2011 Valentine's Day project...which, conveniently, has been part of my 2011 resolutions. I'm getting better at it...that whole being vulnerable part. It's scary. It's risky. But it's also incredibly heart-filling...and I guess when my heart gets full to the rim it overflows into everything else that I do...or at least that's my hope.
Pouring an extra dose of love out on the world today! XOXO

friday quotation

Stop creating who you are and discover who you are.

earthquakes

Growing up in northern California, I got used to earthquakes. Okay, well, you never really get used to earthquakes, I guess. But I got used the idea of them. That they were going to happen. Without warning. Sometimes they would be over very quickly. Other times they felt like they were lasting for hours. Sometimes things would fall off of shelves and other times you would think that a large truck had just passed by the building and the windows were vibrating as a result. Subtle or strong, quick flashes in time or seemingly endless periods of time, they were always reminders to me. Reminders that we are not in control, that even the things we think are the most solid aren't necessarily so. That we are really small creatures here on this massive planet Earth. That life is fragile. That we better not try to live too much in the future or the past for in a moment things can shift and change. And that's really what I always thought about - that things are always shifting and changing. Sometimes we feel the change as profoundly as the 1989 Lome Prieta Earthquake (also known as the "World Series Earthquake") that registered 6.9 on the Richter scale and rocked the world of northern Californians (myself included) in that year when I was a junior in high school. It still gives me chills to remember that day and the days that followed. But more often in my life, the changes have been much more subtle - more like the (sometimes) gentle aftershocks of an earthquake.
And that's what I've experienced lately. Little things in my life that remind me that shifts are occurring. Stirrings in my heart. Different reactions to ordinary things. Voices that are beginning to whisper. A shift in perspective. A new way of seeing things that have happened in the past...carrying me to a new way of seeing things in the present. Sometimes the catalysts for awareness are conversations or an image or a song or something that I have read or something that I watched on the screen. I'm grateful for the "wake-up" calls...these things that remind me that life is ever-changing and that I shouldn't get too comfortable. And I love that I'm becoming more settled with the idea of things never really being settled. That's a big leap for me. Even if it's not causing seismic waves across the city or even huge ripples in my own life. I always preferred the more subtle earthquakes anyway.

friday quotation

Well, it's a friday photograph today, because this is such a rare event around these parts!