mantra

For my class, I had to create/come up with a mantra for myself. At least for right now. It is adapted from a lecture I heard recently but changed so that it's purely mine...of course, I'll share! I love it because it can be general or very specific if I follow each idea with a few more words. And even if I can't remember all of it, living by even one part of it works!

a PR at 3M...

...everywhere but on the clock!
So I had some high hopes for the 3M Half Marathon today. And given how my long runs had been as of late, I thought they might actually be within reach. I even thought so after we discovered that it would be a balmy 60-something degrees with 95% humidity...ah...January in Austin, Texas! And the race actually started off okay. Gordon, Amy, and I crossed the start line together and then I decided to trot ahead in search of Amy Bush since we had agreed that we would try to find one another and then follow the 1:50 pace group. I couldn't get to them before the race started so I decided I'd try to catch them in the first few miles. I saw two students; we chatted for a moment; and then I ran ahead. I never saw the 1:50 pace group but somewhere on Mesa I found the 1:55 pace group. I saw Paul and Nancy and a few others along the way - always AWESOME to see people you know cheering. THANK YOU! I fell in line with the 1:55 pace group for a while and then even managed to scoot ahead of them. Still feeling strong - not thrilled with the weather, but not letting that get to me. However, I was also not realizing how quickly I was becoming dehydrated! I had done a silly "I'm out of training practice" thing and not taken appropriate salt tablets or really been monitoring liquids along the way. Silliness gave way to major problems around mile 9 or 10! Gordon eventually caught up with me somewhere on Burnet...and then Amy caught up with me on North Loop. What a sight for sore eyes! I was grabbing some water...and trying to will myself to keep running. The stars that were dancing in front of my eyes from time to time were starting to blur into black patches, but I figured the recently acquired water would help and I was excited to finish the race with Amy. But my body had other plans! After a few minutes I told Amy that I had to walk, she reminded me to be smart, and I told her to run strong and that I'd see her at the end. I thought I might be able to catch up with her if I walked a few steps and then felt better but that didn't happen.
What did happen in that moment was actually something more remarkable.
For those of you who know me, I'm a tad type A. (Okay, some of you are saying "very" type A...which is possibly/probably true!) And that most unbecoming characteristic of mine took an amazing backseat in those blocks on Duval. A quiet voice tried to convince me that I was not going to be one of those people who walked in the last 2 or 3 miles of a 1/2 marathon, that I was someone who could and would finish by running the rest of the way. But that voice never really had a chance to get any louder because within a mile of doing a run/walk thing, I saw a man splayed out on the side of the road with paramedics all around him and an even louder voice in my head said, "Ummm...if you don't watch it and do whatever your body needs to make it to the end of this, you could be there, too." And without blinking an eye, my quiet voice said, "You're right. Tend to yourself with greater care than you tend to your goals." (Okay, it wasn't that eloquent but you get the idea!) Gone were the time goals. Gone were the messages of self-criticism. Present was common sense. And present was self-compassion. And those were my PRs of the day.
I am SO happy for and proud of my friends who did actually PR according to the clock...what an accomplishment and especially on such a crummy weather day! And while I can't boast of that, I'm going to bed tonight with a sense of accomplishment, too. Perhaps a bigger sense of accomplishment. I've beat my time goals in races before. I've PR'ed on the clock. I wanted to do that today. But I got to PR in another way - in ways that are equally...dare I say "more"...important to me. Definitely in the long run. And even, oddly enough, in the short run. And if I want to go for a rather arbitrary time goal next year, I can do it. For this year, the PR was about something truly more personal.
P.S. I will also go to sleep tonight with a very full heart after a weekend complete with visits from dear friends who aren't in Austin anymore - Laurie and Amy. As I told Amy, "it was a perfect sized helping of soul food!"

friday quotation

Life is a verb:
Say yes.
Be generous.
Speak up.
Love more.
Trust yourself.
Slow down.
~Patti Digh

happy birthday, Mom!

To my mom on her birthday...thank you. Thank you for being my mom. For being there for me. For making me stronger. For believing in me. For loving me, no matter what. I love you!

and all I wanted was a cup of coffee

I had my day pretty perfectly mapped out...a small detour to the jewelry store to get an earring back that fell off last night replaced, but other than that I had the day synchronized with the exercise, friend, party planning, grocery shopping, cooking, baking, and coffee drinking gods. Or so I thought.
With an hour or so before a birthday hike for my friend Anne (GORGEOUS day for it), I was looking forward to a cup of coffee and some reading at Bountiful Cafe. I peeked in as I approached the windows - it looked like the perfect stage for my plan. Only one other person. A big table where I could set up for an hour. Warm and sunny inside the restaurant. Good coffee and the smell of fresh baked goods to make me feel right at home.
I was just about to sit down when the only other person in the restaurant approached me. "I've never seen anyone put on computer lotion before." My puzzled look made him explain, "I've never seen anyone put on hand lotion to sit down and work at their computer." I laughed and said, "Oh, that's a funny thought. It's that time of year; I always need hand lotion in the winter." He nodded and said, "I understand. I always need it after I get out of the swimming pool. I swim at this place called Barton Springs, do you know of it?"
And here is where I sealed my fate for the next hour and a half.
I replied that of course I knew of it and that I swam there every week and that I was there even yesterday when it was below freezing...and that I, too, swam there without a wetsuit unless I was in training for something.
The smile that crossed this 70+ year-old's face was priceless. He shook his head and said, "I just can't believe this. Can I come and sit with you? You can have some of my soup. It really is good soup." I declined the offer to share his soup but agreed to share my table with him.
And that's where I took a journey from his jewelry days in New Orleans to the clocks and thermometer at Deep Eddy pool (that apparently he donated) and eventually to the flashlights and pocket knives that he collected and bought and handed out. To people like me. People who he thinks have a wonderful spirit and a great outlook on life (these are his words). Oh, I also got a disposable straw ("because you just never know when you're going to need one") and business cards for a shop sharpening place in town and the Bountiful Cafe where we were sitting. I know that he has a daughter who is my age who has read hair, was born in Hawaii, went to Davidson College (which is odd since that's where Granddaddy went), lives here in Austin, works at a church, has one child, is 6 ft. tall and is married to a man who is 6' 4". I know that Mr. Davis (my coffee buddy) grew up in Houston and went to Bellaire High School. He lived in New Orleans before coming to Austin and he's a jeweler here. But only by appointment. (I don't really understand all of that!) He swims at Barton Springs and at Deep Eddy and feeds the homeless cats at Deep Eddy (he has cat food in the back of his car). He brings lunch to the man at the photo shop on Bee Caves. He has more stuff in his car than I do..."crap" as he described it. And he loves to shop at Goodwill. Oh, and his wife of 34 years left him when he wasn't making enough money. (I'm sure that there is LOTS more to that story but it still seemed to make him sad so I didn't ask any questions.) Have I mentioned that I didn't ask him more than about two questions over the course of this dialogue...he just kept talking and sharing...and I felt like I was in the twilight zone or something.
When I finally cut in and said that I needed to get going so I wouldn't be late for the hike he said, "Well, Elizabeth the Great, wait just one minute because I have something for you. Do you have a minute? It's just out in my car." Unsure of what to say, I did what I'd been doing for the last hour or so and I nodded. He put on his cap, went out the door, and then returned with cards with pictures of Barton Springs on the front, two pocket knives (with clips...which he thinks are essential for clipping them to your pants), a straw, cards for the knife store, and two packages of flashlights. "Thank you." I mean, really, what else do you say?! My mind was spinning. I'm sure there was a reason for this encounter. Maybe I'll figure that out in my next lifetime. All I know is that all I went in for was a cup of coffee. And I came away with a lot more...and not just the things in the picture. Funny how life takes you on a different path sometimes...wonder if my path with cross with Mr. Davis again? He swims with a snorkel at BSP and sometimes does the backstroke...guess there is a chance that post March 12, I might see him there. Wonder if he'll remember the girl with the smile that he loved that he gave the pocket knives, flashlights, straw, and BSP cards to in Bountiful Cafe that day in January 2011. Probably not. Although I'm not sure I'll forget him anytime soon. It's encounters like this that keep the world interesting and remind me that I just never really know what's around the next bend...even when I think it's just a cup of coffee!

friday quotation

May the sun bring you new energy by day.
May the moon softly restore you by night.
May the rain wash away your worries.
May the breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life.

~Apache Blessing

hitting the books

Well, really just one book. One book that my friends have told me is amazing. One book by an author who's inspiring to me. Whose work is thought-provoking. Whom I've heard speak and with whom I feel my heart resonate as I listen to her words. And she's written a book recently called The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. A book that I think (is believe too strong a word here?!) is going to be worthwhile of the time I'll invest in it. And that will be transforming. And that is something that feels (SO) important for me to read. Right now. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I've left S-P-A-C-E in my life.
I looked around for short courses to take in Austin - photography, cooking, writing, Spanish - but I just didn't find anything that I got really excited about. But somewhere within me, I had this desire to stretch myself, to push my brain in a new direction, to study (what?! I've been SO glad to be out of school for so long now!), to do something new...and then I heard about this online course. Through an organization (which really feels more like a group - a cool group) called Mondo Beyondo. And their winter dream lab just happened to be with Brene Brown. And some other neat authors and thinkers. And just as surely as I signed up for IMCDA 2009 because I hadn't felt that excited about anything in a while and because I knew in my heart it was what I was supposed to be doing, I signed up for the winter dream lab. And within a few screens and a credit card payment I was a student again. I guess for a lot of people the toughest part of anything is the first step. I'm not saying that step is easy for me...and actually, getting to take that first step is often a VERY slow process. But once I decide to take that first step I'm usually in good shape. It's steps two and three and four and beyond that are sometimes tough.
So now that I've registered, I have to do my homework. And I have to be kind to myself. And I have to live into the title of the book - NOT that I ever thought I was perfect...but damn if I haven't tried to achieve perfection in at least some parts of my life. But as Brene Brown said with regard to vulnerability, "if there's not some risk involved and there's not some vulnerability involved, we're probably not going to a place where big change, big epiphanies happen..."
So, here I go...on a(nother) voyage of self-discovery. This time through a book and an online conversation and journaling and thought-provoking lectures and interactive activities. I know it sounds all touchy-feely and self-helpish. And maybe parts of it will be and are. And that's okay. Partly because Brene Brown is so REAL that it really can't ever be all touchy-feely with her because she asks some tough and important and honest questions. And I'm willing to try to answer them. Which will force me out of my comfort zone. And will be unlike anything I've ever done in some ways. And like so many things I've done in other ways. And that's sort of cool. And comforting. And nerve-wracking. And awesome. And exciting. And new. And possibly transforming. Well, probably definitely transforming if I let it be.
So that is my lesson for day #1 of being a student again: "on being brave and speaking the truth" or seeing the truth and being willing to accept it about yourself. And trust that I am enough. And be willing to DIG - be Deliberate, be Inspired, Go (meaning, "take action"). Here I go, I'm ready to DIG.

10 things

I realize that the title of this post could lead you to think I was about to blog about just about anything. 10 things I have to be grateful for (honestly, I couldn't even begin to ONLY list 10!). 10 things I love about Austin. 10 things that are important to me in relationships (dating and otherwise). Top 10 books I've ever read. 10 of my favorite songs. 10 things that I wish I could fix in the world. 10 things I've done in my life that I would do again...and 10 that I wish I could undo. Or re-do.
But this isn't that sort of a blog post. It's a post that I wish I could say was inspired by something in particular but I'm afraid there isn't really any poetic story behind this. I think it's more of a step in the spirit of my new year's resolutions, goals, etc... that I wrote about earlier this month. About creating more space in my life for...well, who knows what? For what life has in store for me. And this time I'm taking that space creating quite literally. How so?
Well, each day I'm going to pause in one of the rooms of my little abode and find 10 things that I don't need or want anymore. And to the Goodwill pile or recycling bin or garbage can they will go! (I might find that I can get bold and find 20 items each day...but I'm going to start with 10...starting tomorrow!) I'm excited!

something else I take for granted...

...well, TOOK for granted until recently... MY EYES. I have other things wrong with my body but my eyes have always been GREAT. And my vision has been GREAT. And it has felt GREAT to not have to worry about this part of my body. As a little kid, I had earaches on a far too regular basis but my mom can't really even remember me ever having anything wrong with my eyes. So I guess in these past two weeks I've been making up for lost time! But finally, my two+ week journey with an inflamed iris seems to be coming to an end...many trips to the dr. and eyedrops later! I honestly thought it was all just allergies and/or an allergy headache when all of this silliness started. But after day four of an unrelenting headache right behind my eye and a very red eye, an optometrist and I started talking. He was pretty sure that it was just an inflammation of the upper inner eyelid because that's usually what these things are. Well, as luck would have it, my case turned out to be anything but usual! Three days later with no signs of improvement my optometrist and I were talking again. A look into my eye that took less than a nano-second revealed the real issue, "Oh, yes. It's what we talked about. The more difficult, painful diagnosis - iritis." Basically, TONS of white blood cells had crowded into my iris, presumably to attack something (which I'm assuming they got because there was a small army of them in there!). But they stayed. And collected at the bottom of the iris. And cause the iris to get inflamed. Which shrunk my pupil (the iris was so inflamed that it took my pupil over 45 minutes to dilate one day...and even at that it wasn't fully dilated!)...which basically makes you feel like you're squinting. Try that for nearly two weeks and your eye will hurt, too. As will the muscles behind it. And you'll have a headache. Honestly, I had no idea that some parts of your body could hurt like this!
Anyway, once we finally figured out what was wrong, the healing could begin. And it actually happened pretty quickly. First the pain went away with the help of ibuprofen - lots of ibuprofen. Then eye drops helped keep the eye dilated because, oh yeah I forgot to mention this (!!), with iritis your iris is so swollen that it bulges forward and pretty much "glues" itself to the front of the eye. Awesome. So these, miracle-of-modern-medicine, eyedrops kept my pupil dilating and constricting, all day and night, in an effort to "unstick" the iris from the front of the eye. This made my pupil look really freaky. All sorts of big and not round like it usually is...well, round but with odd bumps on the edges where it was still "stuck". Crazy stuff.
But it's SO much better now. I'm still saturating my eyes with eye drops each day but the pain is all gone. Thank goodness. For the record, I'm sort of a wimp with this sort of pain. So as soon as the pain was gone, I really didn't care that much about how long it would take for the rest of this to clear up. But it's only taken about five days once the heavy duty treatment began...which is pretty amazing. Especially considering that my doctor said that in their office, they only see a case like this (meaning a case this bad!) once a year. I told him that I was sorry to have delivered this case to him in January...it's going to be a long time until they see this again.
Let's hope!
I'm not eager for a repeat performance. And in all likelihood I won't have one. In most cases, iritis just happens. No real explanation. No real concerns except for getting it cleared up. If there is a recurrence then we have to do lots of tests to rule out other (mostly auto-immune) problems. So for many, many reasons, I'm hoping this case of iritis was my first and my last. I certainly made sure it was a memorable one!
I will make sure I go to the eye dr. regularly from now on - not that those missed visits would have prevented something like this. I will not take my vision for granted. And I'll say a little (or BIG) prayer of thanks that this chapter is coming to a close...

friday quotation

Owning our stories and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.
~Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

baby, it's cold outside

Really cold. (Okay, Amy is colder in Lubbock and those in other parts of the country are colder, too. But it's cold for Austin.) It's going to be in the 20s tonight and will barely get out of the 30s tomorrow...and even then, only for an hour or so. But I'm warm and cozy in my house. And I have extra blankets. And I have a heater that I can crank up. And I've been enjoying a fire (and hot chocolate and graham crackers). And I have sweaters and hats and gloves and scarves and jackets and wool socks and boots to wear tomorrow. And that's all good and well. And I'm grateful. And also conflicted. Because I realize that I take these things for granted. And today and yesterday as I drove past homeless people in Austin my heart just ached. Honestly, my heart aches every time I see someone without a home, but the ache feels even more pronounced when it's cold outside. Because I know how miserable it is to be cold. And I can't imagine knowing you are going to be cold, dare I say freezing, all night. And into the next day. And possibly the next night. It makes me wonder what I can do. Maybe say a prayer for warmth and shelter for those who might be cold tonight. Maybe give up that $ that I usually hang on to as I only offer a smile. Remember that "there but for the grace of God go I..."

I get by with a little help from my fins...

...and my pull buoy and my paddles and my swimming friends! My favorite swim workout of the year was on Sunday - 100 x 100. Yes. That would be 100, 100s. It's not as overwhelming as it seems because you break it into 10 sets of 100 (in each set you swim ten 100s). And it's every bit as overwhelming as it seems because 100, 100s is A LOT OF SWIMMING. Actually it's a 10K of swimming. Which means it's 6.2 miles of swimming. And even for someone (like me!) who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES swimming, it's a lot of swimming. But we were ready for it last Sunday. Together, Nancy, Jim, Kevin, Jennifer, and I (and others but those were my lanemates) braved the chilly morning air and warm waters of Lost Creek Pool and swam. And swam. And swam. For about three hours. We pulled; we did drills; we kicked; we swam at a faster pace; we slowed it down. I think with the exception of strokes other than freestyle we pretty much covered all of the swimming basics. With Sara to guide us and Mo on deck with pancakes when we finished, we made it through the full workout...with the help of our fins in the second to last set (oh, and paddles, too!). I think nearly every muscle and bone in our bodies was tired and worn out but there was a certain sense of satisfaction at having tackled something BIG. And even though I've done it three times before, it still feels big. I don't have much in the way of races on the calendar for 2011, but Sunday's practice reminded me that I don't have to have a timing chip and a race number to keep pushing myself to new limits and taking myself to new places...because even places where I've been before can feel very different each time I visit.

artist of the month!

So I've been shockingly more cultured this past fall and apparently it's carrying over into the new year. I thought maybe if I had an "artist of the month" it would ensure that I actually went to a museum each month or to an art gallery or to hear live music. There's SO much here in Austin that I don't take advantage of...well, I'm going to see if I can change that!

My new favorite artist (which, of course, some snazzier friends of mine already knew about...) is Angie Renfro. I stumbled upon her work because I am on the email list for the Wally Workman gallery in Austin and Angie has a show there now. Mostly her factory works - which would make sense since the show is called Industry. So on Saturday night at the opening reception, we saw lots of pieces that look like this one: But I think I'm an even bigger fan of her weeds and nests collections that look like...

Can't wait to see what new artist (or new-to-me artist) I discover next month...suggestions are always welcome! But for now I'll continue to enjoy the colors and vision of Angie Renfro.

friday quotation

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
~mary anne radmacher

epiphany!

No...I haven't really had any epiphanies lately. Well, not any that I think are worth blogging about! But I had to blog today because it is the beginning of the season of Epiphany and while I'm not sure that Epiphany is my favorite season (although the more I learn about it, the more I think it could be), I do know that it's definitely my favorite word. In the English language. Of all time. It's fun to say. It holds all sorts of promise. And it is full of energy and possibility and hope. One of the definitions of "epiphany" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is "a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way." The dictionary also defines "epiphany" as "an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being" and "an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure." I think those first and last definitions are the ones that usually come to mind. We say things like "I had an epiphany..." and then we go on to describe some entirely new way of thinking about or doing something. I'm open to and hopeful for some epiphanies in 2011.
And as far as the church season, well, it's sort of lovely idea of having the divine come into our lives. Not because we did anything to deserve that sort of grace and forgiveness in this world. Which is actually a really hard thing for me to wrap my head around as I usually think in terms of "earning" whatever we receive in this world. Of karma - things coming back around. Of getting what you put out there. (Even though there are many, many instances in my life where I feel like I got more than I deserved!) So it makes me feel very small to to think that sometime a long, long time ago, Jesus was born so that we could live a more free, unburdened, gracious, humble, non-judgmental, loving, full life. I can't get too philosophical here because I'm really not qualified to do so but I do know that in this season of Epiphany I'm going to try to love a little more, show a little more charity, and be a light in my small, small little corner of the world.

in 2011, I resolve to...

...do less.
Yes. That's right. I'm going to attempt to create more space in my life by doing less. I realize that it will not always look like I'm succeeding (take tomorrow, for example...phew...it's a packed day for a Sunday), but it's my overall theme for the year. And it sort of terrifies me.
I'm a planner and a scheduler. My heart beats a little faster (with excitement!) when I see a training plan on a spreadsheet just waiting to be transferred to a calendar. Give me a time line for a project and I'm suddenly feeling very at ease. And I have to admit that there seems to be some affirmation in our culture when we say "oh, I'm so busy...I'm doing this and that and, and, and..." And, let's be honest, who doesn't like to feel affirmed?!
So, yes, this is uncharted waters for me...the girl who's been on a very full, rich, wonderful albeit a tad bit frantic schedule for, well, at least the last three or four years. And really probably much longer. And that is why my heart is again beating faster - but this time with nervousness - because I'm not sure I know how to do this "less" thing! I know how to manage a packed schedule. I know how to live from "thing to thing". I know how to multi-task. I know how to keep my heart rate low and look composed even when I'm frantic inside.
Honestly, I don't know if I know how to do "slower". If I know how to handle more free time in my life - well, in a meaningful way. Or maybe that's the point. It doesn't have to be meaningful. See what I mean...I might fail at this resolution before January is over!
But, by golly, I'm going to try to do it. And here's why - there had to be a reason for leaving that comfortable frantic life, right?! Right! And for me, it's because I'm curious about what else is out there in the world around me that I can't even see because I'm rushing through life so fast. What song am I not hearing on the radio because I'm so busy station surfing? What person in need am I missing on the street corner (or somewhere else in life) because I'm so focused on getting to my next workout/appointment/etc...? What relationships am I missing out on because there really is no space in my life for anything else under the current frantic schedule? What art (natural or man made) have I passed by rendering it to no more than a blur because of my pace? What blogs have I not written, what recipes have I not made, what phone calls have I not placed, what new hobbies have I not explored, what books have I not read, what dreams (literally and figuratively) have I not dreamt...because my life has been moving too fast?
I'm not really sure what this all looks like, this doing less thing. But I'm imagining something like this:
Less planning. Less scheduling. Less frantic running from thing to thing. Less structured time. Which ultimately (hopefully!) leads to...more free time. More time for friends and family. More time for spontaneity. More time for stillness. More sleep. More space for things that I don't even know that I want in my life to enter my life. More freedom to say "yes" when things come up because there will be less on the calendar. More of what really feels right in my heart (or the converse: less of what I think I "should" do to follow some intangible rules that someone - usually yours truly! - made up). Less clutter and more literal space in my life (yes, this will mean cleaning up the dreaded study more often!). Less worry and more faith. Less self-guilt and more self-compassion. Less for me and more for others. Less seriousness and more laughter.
I suppose all in all it's about more balance. I know, that's a lifelong search and I'm almost certain to not find it completely in 2011, but why not go ahead and start (or continue) the pursuit?
And along the way, my theme words for 2011:
- honest
- loving
- willing
- open
- courageous
- compassionate
- generous
- adventurous
- silly
- thoughtful/reflective/mindful
- passionate
- introspective
- confident
- learning
- simple
- inspired

Into the wide openness of 2011 I go...I better hang on because I think it's going to be one heck of a ride!