"When is the last time you had a good meal and enough sleep?"

When I would call my mom upset about something when I was in college (translation - my being "upset about something" usually involves tears), she would always respond very calmly, "Elizabeth, when's the last time you had a good meal and enough sleep?" I would typically launch into some rationalization of why neither of those two things had happened lately (hmmm...some things don't change). And in an incredibly calm way, she would say, "Why don't you call me back when you've had something to eat and when you've gotten some sleep? We'll talk then." End of conversation. She knew what I needed in order to have any sort of a meaningful conversation.
Why do I bring this up some 15 years after the fact? Because since last week I've found myself on the verge of tears on numerous occasions. Now I can't claim to not be a crier...I'll cry with the best of them especially since it is usually my m.o. when I get upset. Some people yell; some people storm off; some start to blow steam from their ears. I cry. And I'll need a box of Kleenex for certain movies or certain shows (Ironman, the Olympics, anything having to do with cancer, etc...). But I'm usually pretty even-keeled on a daily basis and over the long haul. "Steady" was the term a friend once used. I'll take that as a good thing?
Well, not recently. "A River Runs Through It" on Sunday afternoon was my first round of tears. A student getting into a college on Monday made me grab Kleenex. Then a student getting denied at a college. Gran telling me that she wished I was coming to visit with the large group of my family that is coming to visit soon. Tuesday night TV shows. And finally, looking at all of my students with their grandparents at school today and realizing how many of them I'd known through two or more grandchildren over my 14 years at St. Andrew's and thinking about how lucky I am to be part of that "family". So what exactly has been going on?
Well, I'm realizing that my mom's essential questions are the answer to my tears...it's that point in Ironman training where I'm just tired (not exhausted but weary, and my muscles are tired) and where I can't get enough food. I'm eating "good meals", Mom...but I am like a bottomless pit these days! Time to up the calories now that we're in week 13 of our training. Oh, and I'm also at that point in the school year where things are crazy busy, my students are even more emotional than usual (which is saying a lot for teenagers...and I'm trying to hold it all together for them), and I'm barely able to keep up with everything (okay, sometimes I fail completely). So, yeah, I guess I can see the reason for my tears.
But at least I know the solution: more SLEEP + more FOOD! At least until someone creates an automatic re-set button for our bodies and a few more hours to each day...

yoga Monday

There are two new pieces of art in the yoga studio at Yoga Vida 707. And I thought I would remember the words on both of them to post them here but I'm drawing a blank on one. Naturally, the one I really liked! One said, "UNITE" which is a fine thought. But the other one really resonated with me. It was something along the lines of "starting over again with a clean slate"- but much more poetic than that.
But it got me thinking that even though there are so many chances to start over, we really still carry baggage from previous phases of life or from previous experiences to whatever we're going through at the moment. Much as I can tell myself that each day is a new day, I still have the memories from the days before...either as positive or negative forces in my mind.
So what would it take to really have a clean slate? Frankly, I'm not sure. Divine intervention? Great discipline in letting go AND forgiving yourself (key!)? I feel like my chalkboard gets cleaned each day by someone who is using a dusty old eraser rather than a damp rag to really wipe it clean. Maybe I can find some old rags around to start using...

IM training, take two

"Wait, you're doing this again...why in the world would you do that? Can't you check that 'do an Ironman' item off your 'to do' list and be done with it?"
I seem to be explaining myself a lot lately. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. And it's not even really an annoying thing, mostly because it gives me a chance to reflect a little on just why I am training for another Ironman. I knew when I was signing up last June that I really wanted to do another Ironman and that I wanted to do CDA again in 2010. I just had a feeling in my gut that there was something to be gained from doing it all again.
And I was right. But, as with so many other things in my life, I didn't know just what I would learn. And now that we're nearly 1/2 way through CDA 2010 training (what?! yikes!), I've had enough time to make some sense of what training has meant to me this second time around.
In some ways, I've approached it very differently than last time. And in other ways, I'm very much the same athlete (at least mentally) as I was last year. (I'm hoping a tad stronger than I was last time around but on any given day I can't be sure of that!) I know more this time around - both about myself and about the training - and that can be a blessing or a curse depending on the day, the workout, my energy level, my mood, etc... "Knowing" has generally translated into more confidence on my part - knowing that I can do the distances because I've done them before, knowing that I do have what it takes because I've done it before even if I am full of self-doubt on that particular day. But every once in a while, I wish I didn't know what I do. I wish I didn't know how tough those distances are or that biking 80+ miles and following that with a 50 minute run one day and a 17 mile run the next day is just really painful physically and a huge challenge mentally. There IS a certain bliss to ignorance! And to novelty. In some ways it was easier to do all of this the first time around because I simply didn't know any better and every weekend was a new accomplishment for me...typically the longest ride or run I'd ever done. And finishing in and of itself was plenty of an accomplishment. I could stand in awe of myself no matter how I felt at the end purely because I'd survived!
This time, I've got higher expectations and finishing usually isn't enough. I want to do it better or faster or stronger or...something...either mentally or physically. Thankfully on the days when that doesn't work out, my friends, teammates, and family remind me that just doing this at all is doing more than I would have ever imagined for myself and is an accomplishment in and of itself. I'm grateful for these human reality checks in my life! I tend to be my own worst critic...maybe training will help me learn some lessons about that for my life in general.
Last year, I felt like I approached every training session just a little bit timid. I was a bit scared of what would happen if I really did give it my all, knowing that I had another workout less than 12 hours away. I didn't know enough about my body or what training would do to it to be able to trust in recovery time, recovery drinks, stretching, and sleep. In other words, I sort of played it safe. I rarely bonked, in part because I never pushed myself hard enough to bonk. Let me assure you, it feels better not to bonk! But it didn't really help me learn where my limits are...or how to push past those limits and establish new ones in time. So this training cycle, as much as I able to, I have committed to giving every workout 100% of whatever I have in me at the time. Sometimes all that I have left is 80% (or less!) but I am trying to put it all out there. Even if it means that I crash at the end of a long run because I pushed it too hard in the beginning. It feels awful - sometimes mentally and physically - but it's helping me learn...a lot!
I have also managed to be much more balanced about my life and training than I was last year. I'm really trying to stick to the C plan as prescribed by T3. For me, it generally means 2 swim practices + 1 open water swim, 1 run workout + 1 long run, 1 spin class + 1 long ride, 1 core class, 1 yoga class. Last year I went to 2 run workouts each ddweek and 2 spin classes each week. I can't say that I was over-trained...is there such a thing? (Okay, I do think I've read that there is but I'm fairly sure I'll never be at risk of being over-trained!) But I can say that I was tired all the time. Giddy with excitement over training but physically wiped out all the time. Not this year! Don't get me wrong, I managed to take a 90 minute nap today so I'm tired, but not the same "drained all the time" tired that I was last year. I'm giving myself a day off each week (as long as schedules cooperate!) and not making myself crazy to make up missed workouts as long as I'm making my hours. Seems to be working so far...we'll see what June 27 shows!
More balance helps me fit other things into my life in between my training sessions...getting together with friends, errands, something on a week night, stuff at school... And all of that makes me better at the training, I think. And as our coaches remind us, we're not professional athletes so we're supposed to have another life! And, for the most part, I do - although on a big weekend like this past one, it's tough to fit those other things in.
So given that it is tough...physically, emotionally, mentally...why am I doing this again? Clearly, it's not just to check it off some box on my bucket list (if I had a bucket list!). And it's not to impress anyone or get in shape or prove something to someone - even myself. It's because I love the training. I love the discipline of it. I love the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction after a tough weekend or weekday workout. I love how much better food tastes after a long ride, and I love that a nap feels like a little slice of heaven after a long run. I'm in awe of what my body can do...and grateful that it's putting up with this again. (And as Jess and I reflected during our run today, we feel like we've been given these bodies so we should use them!) I love the camaraderie of training with a team and working toward a common goal and yet being on slightly different paths to get there. I love that this is a way to push myself to become stronger - in my whole being. That through it I feel more independent and more open to accepting help (a funny contradiction of sorts!). And that somehow something very physical has deeply impacted my emotional well-being, too.
How do I gear up to do something that I know will hurt? What do I have in me when my discipline isn't really enough? What gets me out there completing another workout when there's no one by my side? What strength do I tap into when my human strength really isn't enough? How do I apply all of this to other areas of my life? I'm still figuring most of this out but I can safely say that, like the first time around, I will not be the same person on the other side of IM CDA 2010...and that isn't even counting race day itself!
So there...in a nutshell (or two or three...) is why I can't just let last year's IM be enough. I actually think this crazy sport has worked its way into my life and is finding a home with me. It's brought fun and satisfaction to my life in a way that I would have never imagined. Oh, and it's allowed me to be outside for long periods of the day on the weekend and for shorter spurts during the week - awesome! And it's connected me with some really wonderful people here in Austin. People who have impacted my life for the better. People who I'm not sure I would have ever met otherwise. People who remind me that there's always more...more ways to see what we're made of. And that is the lesson I take with me into all areas of my life.
In everything I do, I want to be reminded that I can always be doing it better or with more passion or with a greater attention to some aspect of whatever it is. I never want to forget that I can run a little harder than I think I can. Or work a little more diligently than I think I can. Or laugh a little louder than I think I can. Or love the people in my life a little more than I think I can. Or be a little more passionate about life than I think I should be. That I can reach out to a few more people (strangers included) and offer my help a few more times than I think is necessary. And maybe, if I do this, I'll finish out my life feeling like I did live fully...and that I was on the road to being the best I could be. I'll never really get there - or at least I hope not...otherwise, what would I keep pushing for? But as long as I'm on the road of life giving it my all, I'm satisfied with that. Maybe it is what my mom said to me when I was little, "If you've done your very best, what more can I ask?"
Giving it my best on this second take of IM training...and hoping for the best, too.
Maybe I needed to do this IM training again to keep working all of this out...as evidenced in this post, there's still a lot I have to learn.
P.S. As a totally random footnote, the light bulb in the lamp on my bedside table burned out last week and I have yet to replace it so I've been using my headlamp at night to read...which has nothing to do with IM training but should make those of you who know me laugh! And on that note...this headlamp needs to be put to bed for the night...because that is one area where I still have massive room for improvement - SLEEP!
P.P.S. Happy birthday, Mor! Sorry we didn't get to talk on your birthday...hope you liked your present!

friday quotation...to follow thursday's post

This was part of that article I referred to yesterday (about college rejections), but I think it is a good reminder no matter how old you are!

Don't let rejections control your life. To allow other people's assessment of you to determine your own self-assessment is a very big mistake. The question really is, who at the end of the day is going to make the determination about what your talents are, and what your interests are, that's up to you?
~Lee Bollinger

it's that time of year...

Not Christmas. Or summer. Well, it is spring but I'm not really referring to a season of the year. I'm finding myself thinking "it's that time of year" every day when I'm at work and I'm reminded that mid-March to mid-April is both a wonderful and difficult time at work when your life revolves around seniors in high school.
I know that some of you are thinking that "difficult" might describe all time spent with teenagers, but I'm lucky and I think that most of my time spent with them is "wonderful". And this time of the year is no exception, except that it usually pulls at my heartstrings in a different way than an ordinary day does.
You see, it's that time of year when seniors at St. Andrew's and around the country (and globe) are waiting to hear back from colleges to which they've applied. Odd as it may sound, I don't think that college is the end-all, be-all in life. I don't even think it's "right" for some students, even some of our students...or at least not right now. And I've lived just long enough to know that an "admission ticket" to college is only that - an admission ticket to college, not an admission ticket to lifelong happiness or a dream job or a your ideal mate or a life full of meaning or passion. In fact, I know an ever-growing list of people, some who are both acquaintances and others who are close friends, who have incredible lives - lives that I admire and even envy - who hold no college degree. That being said, I believe in the value of education and of the opportunities that can come from it both when you're in school and out of school. So I continue to be passionate about college counseling or at least continuing education.
But this time of year calls me to be more of a counselor than a college counselor. Students come into my office looking as if they've just lost their best friend when/if their dreams of attending school "x" have just been dashed by a single email/online message/admissions office letter. We hold their sadness together. The frustration and the questions of "why?" or "why not?" are so real you can touch them. And I don't have the answers. Well, I do, but they are rarely helpful in the very present. I trust they provide some comfort down the road...be it a few days, weeks, months, or even years later. But in that very moment when a dream moves even farther away from becoming a reality, my words provide little comfort.
Of course, in the very timely way that newspapers print articles, there was a great one in the Wall Street Journal this week about college rejections and how they had affected some pretty famous people...in a positive way, of course. It's not that it says anything that's terribly new; it's just that it came out at just the right time. For seniors. For their parents. For me.
Because it's the reminder that everything that we experience in life happens for a reason - both the good and the bad. That how we react to things is far more important than what actually happens to us. That there are any number of places, ways, people, relationships, jobs, events, etc... that can help to fill the empty spots of our lives with meaning. That life really doesn't usually work out exactly like you thought it would, and that's okay. Perhaps even better. It makes us more flexible, more creative, more empathetic to others pain and disappointment, more determined, and more resilient. And, you know, I think in the long run, those lessons are far more important than any lesson in any college classroom around the country. And if my students didn't get into any college that they really longed to go to but "passed" those lessons of life, they would get an A+ in my book.

yoga Monday

Turns out that the only things I distinctly remember from yoga this morning were how creaky I felt, how the room wasn't terribly hot, how bizarre it was to me that my hip that was actually the most stiff felt the most comfortable when I was putting my weight on it, and how the other two people there with me were SO much more flexible. If this train of thought gives you any idea, it will suggest that I was not terribly focused today during yoga. Usually I can go into my own happy, yoga place and not worry about others around me and move comfortably through each pose, feeling strong and secure. Not today. (This is when I start to wonder if my yoga practice is a reflection of where I am in my life...hmmm...guess time will tell.)
So my "yoga moment" that I usually blog about didn't happen at 6:30 a.m.
But it did happen.
Just in a different way, at a different time, in a different setting.
We're in this wonderful season at school where many seniors are giving senior "homilies" or speeches, reflecting on their time in high school, what they know now that they wish they'd known earlier, etc... They are incredibly good. All of them are heartfelt, thoughtful, thought-provoking, and typically wonderful mirrors of the student who has written it. But today's homily was more than that. It was a real treat because it was SO well-written. Literally, I sat back in my seat and felt like I was a little kid and someone was reading me a beautiful story. The delivery was confident, animated, and passionate. Her words were string together like song lyrics that made you feel something as you listened.
When I saw her after chapel I found myself unable to thank her appropriately, so I tripped over words that she would have danced over and I asked her if I could have a copy of her speech. She looked surprised, said "of course", and then sent it to me with this wonderful little sentence: "They say that the number one thing humans want is to feel appreciated; thank you for doing just that." (Yep, this is the wonderful job I get to have.)
As I thought about her homily, I kept trying to make sense of just why it had resonated with me so much. It was about sky diving - well, sort of. I've never been skydiving. But the way that she talked about it made total sense to me, "I have always felt that I wasn't doing the experience justice with words like: amazing, intense, awesome, incredible. These vowels and consonants would not leave enough room for the spaces in between. It seems to me that we're always trying to pin things down, stuff them in a box, squeeze them into a corny frame on a wall... Sometimes I wonder if all of this pinning-down that we're trying to do ruins the sanctity of that special moment."
My translation of these eloquent words that Monday as I sat there in chapel trying to be the best possible sponge to her wisdom was, "Live in the moment. And if you can't possibly put words to it, that's okay. Some things are meant to be explained through words. Some things are meant to be experienced. Then digested. Then woven into the fabric of your being. And explained through your actions and the way that you live your life." Or maybe that is my cop-out for never having written my "homily" about doing an Ironman or Gran or certain people in my life or on my childhood or on being on this wonderful journey of life. Today, I'll settle for an excused absence (or at least an extension) on all of those unwritten words and let my student's words echo in my mind instead.

kitchen pop-art

After an awesome morning run (in the COLD with Jess, Jim, and Amy B. at a very nice pace!!) and then my Sunday ritual (that I love!!!) of coffee and breakfast tacos at Whole Foods (usually with Amy or another buddy), a run to the grocery store, an ice bath, and some cleaning, I finally sat down to my computer to check up on email, blogs, news, etc... Upon reading another blog I was struck by my own lack of creativity. Or at least that was my perception. She had made a quilt...she is an amazing artist...and she's a talented writer. I thought to myself that I'd take one of her many creative genes...for just a day!
And then I hit the kitchen and it occurred to me that perhaps cooking was my creative endeavor of the day. First up was a cake to celebrate a student's acceptance to college. It's the last of such cakes I'll make this year as his acceptance marks the fact that all of my advisees officially have a college home to go to next year - which is what they wanted. And therefore, what I wanted. Anyway, this cake was special...a swirl cake in the UCLA colors. Which means it's yellow and blue...and as a result I won't be tempted to eat any of it. (The whole blue foods thing.) As I looked at it I thought that it was borderline ugly, creative, colorful, fun...something. Anyway, with some white icing on top of it, my students won't know what to expect when we slice into it tomorrow...love surprising them in goofy ways like this! I'm sure it will taste the same as a regular cake which means my advisees will eat it regardless of what it looks like.
Next up...breakfast casserole for the week. This is my little creative endeavor every week. The base stays the same - eggs, some tortillas, and pico de gallo. Some weeks black beans get tossed in. Some weeks it's peppers and onions. One week it was asparagus and spinach. Usually a little bit of cheese. And there I have my breakfast for a few days of the week. Since I can't whip up a breakfast taco or something like that each morning (okay, technically, I could but it would mean my getting up even earlier than I already do and that's not going to happen!), this is a good substitute.
And then my final creation of the day - homemade granola. Again, I make some of this nearly every week because I'm having a blast experimenting with different combinations. Always an oat or nine-grain cereal base + lots of yummy spices (cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, cloves, vanilla...comfort in a jar!) + dried fruit + nuts + molasses and/or a little honey for a touch of sweetness. Raisins, cranberries, apricots, dates...almonds, pecans...they are all fair game. And each time I really like what I create. I know there are delicious low-fat granolas out there but to me, making it is the fun part...eating it is the bonus!
In other cooking news...I actually made some AMAZING brownies on Saturday but didn't capture them on film. My usual recipe + 2 secretly delicious extra ingredients...yummy! (And a perfectly appropriate post-run treat...only after a sliver of Jess's babka...which we re-named crack-ka because it's so good it has to have some mood-altering drug in it!)
And in case you're wondering what "real" meals I eat...there are those, too. One to be thrown together on Monday night that will last for a while, plus spaghetti squash to be cooked and eaten with my bison ragu from last week (YUM!!!), and veggies galore to be roasted.
So maybe, just maybe between my cooking and my writing (and as Amy reminded me...my job! Goodness knows I have to be creative in working with teenagers day in and day out!), I do have a touch of creativity in me. Maybe I just need to tap into it more often...or recognize that creativity comes in different forms.

resilient like...

...my plant.
I wish I could tell you what sort of plant it is. I really should know. Or learn. Or something. But after three years of taking care of it, I sort of like its unknown identity because I have grown to love it not because it's a rose and acts like a rose or because it's a fern and acts like a fern but because it's some sort of amazingly resilient and hardy plant that puts up with my weak attempts at being a green thumb. Here are the parts of care taking that I do well:
- I make sure it gets plenty of water (even in a drought-like summer)...yes, I'm training it well...hydration is important!
- I look at it every day as I come and go from my condo
- I trim it back when the branches get brittle or die
And, yeah, that's about it.
I used to be good about covering it up when it freezes but one year I forgot one too many times, nearly wrote it off, and then discovered that I have the most resilient plant in the world (okay, next to the weeds in your yard, kudzu, and poison ivy...). It came back. Bright green springy leaves as alive as ever. So now, it freezes every year...and I keep my fingers crossed that it will come back and, as the picture shows, I'm in luck yet again this year. I looked at it in a bit of awe today thinking, "I really don't deserve you, plant. That you keep coming back even when I'm afraid I've ignored you too much is amazing." And that notion alone intrigues me and makes me think, "In what areas of my life do I (or other people) just keep coming back? And is there something to be said for that?" And beyond that, "just what sort of strength does this plant have and can that be a model for me...of rest (during the winter) and stretching (in the spring), and blooming (in the summer), then starting to drift away into the fall...sort of a lovely life cycle." Full of all sorts of strength and courage to return year after year in spite of a mediocre owner and some sometimes terrible winter weather. (This year...imagine the extreme warmth of our summer becoming the intense cold of this past winter.) But back to my plant.
It's a good reminder to me of resilience, of never giving up, of not letting others call the shots for you...of coming back to the living world even when you've hibernated for a while or when others don't give you all the attention that you deserve. Who would have thought a little plant I had pretty much "hung out to dry" could reveal so much?!

friday quotation

To be healthy: eat right, walk right, and talk to yourself right.

Keeping it simple...I like that.

present and accounted for

At least by the US Census.

my latest crazy athletic idea

So, while we were in Daytona, Furtsch and I started talking about swimming - she swims with a group in Charlotte. And she said, "Hey...do you want to swim around Key West with me?" I had an appropriately puzzled look on my face so when we got home from dinner we Googled the swim: http://www.swimaroundkeywest.com/
12.5 miles. You can do it solo, with another person, or with 2 other people. Water temps - 74-85 degrees...I wouldn't even have to wear a wetsuit! The water is shallow and apparently you can see lots of fish. Which is fine with me as long as they are SMALL fish. Big fish and ETG in the water are not a happy match. On a two-person team, each person swims about 6 miles (well, a little over to get the .5 added to the 12 miles). From the pictures it looks like there is a lot of sunscreen involved...and that everyone gets a medal. No 2-person female teams in 2009 so I think that means that Furtsch and I could have won that category :) Obviously, this is just a thought right now...for 2011. (Anyone else want to join in the swimming fun?) Not 2010 because that's the day before IM CDA 2010 and I think that would be problematic!
Oh, and Furtsch and her husband, S.R., are looking into hiking parts of the Appalachian Trail...I can't wait to hear about it and told her to preview it for me. I love that I'm lining up future outdoors, fitness oriented challenges in my mind - hiking, trail running, open water swimming...who knows what else. It doesn't mean I'm over IM training. In fact, I'm in the thick of it right now and still feeling really fulfilled by it and loving it. But it's nice to imagine new adventures, too, to remind myself that I'm more than an Ironman.

P.S. Happy birthday, Cam - good to talk to you today!

soul food

Not the cupcakes (delicious as they were). Or the beach drinks (refreshing as they were). Or the seafood (awesome as it was). But time with my camp buddies. Good for the mind. Good for the heart. Good for the soul.

As I flew out of Orlando on Monday morning I was weary (from a 4 a.m. wake-up call to drive to the airport) but totally refreshed. There is just something about old friends and the ability to get back together after so many years and pick up right where we left off and retrace well-worn memories and create new ones that, as a relatively new (but already dear) friend of mine said, seems to make all of the energy worthwhile.
Marion flew in from New York...and we celebrated her upcoming wedding. Christa "Stumpf" flew in from Ohio (although I still think of her as coming from Idaho b/c she lived there so long)...and we celebrated her little girl that is on the way (and tried to help name her and took bets on when she'll actually be born! I'm pulling for June 9...and a tin of King Leo lemon or vanilla sticks!). Susan and Isla flew in from Tennessee. And Christa "Furtsch" and her mom, Linda, drove down from North Carolina. All of us in Daytona (woo-hoo!) for a long weekend to celebrate BIG moments that are happening in the lives of Marion and Stumpf...but also all of the little moments that have made up our friendships for 27+ years. Yes, that's right. These are by far my longest friends. The girls who have seen me in my most wonderful and least wonderful moments. The girls who I laughed with on summer nights with a sky full of stars up above us as we spun around on the fun field or tried (without luck) to go cow tipping. The girls who I jumped in the cold, scummy lake with at camp and who I pulled pranks with. The girls who accepted me as an "odd man out" Californian into their southern camp. The girls who were the "sisters" that my mom thought an only child needed. My bunkmates and teammates. Riding partners and flagline buddies. The ones who I could cry to...and the ones whom to this day can make me laugh so hard that I will cry. And we did a lot of that this weekend!

I arrived in a bit of a surreal state around 1:40 a.m. on Saturday after a long evening of traveling from Austin to Orlando and then driving to Daytona. What was funniest to me was that upon arriving at Furtsch's house I made sure that I was in the right place before I crawled into the sofa bed that had been nicely made for me. I was 99.9% sure that this was the house but I had a quick moment where I thought, "What if you wake up in the wrong house? How funny would that be!" Took a quick peek around and found a notebook on the kitchen table with "WATAUGA" rubbed out in pencil on the front. Yep. My team at camp...go green and gold!...I was in the right place.

Mornings came around early on Saturday and Sunday but they didn't move too quickly. I honestly have no idea how many pots of coffee we went through on the back porch with the sun beating down on us before we wandered down to the beach for walks, jogs, sea shell collecting, sand dollar searching, or just lounging and talking. We did the most of the latter. Sometimes as a group. Sometimes in twos or threes. Every time with open ears and hearts as we got caught up on our lives. We did laugh that we moved as a group for fear of being talked about by the others! (We were just kidding...sort of...I actually think that none of us wanted to miss out on anything.)

Seafood dinners... delicious cupcakes to celebrate the mom- and bride-to-be... pretty sunrises and sunsets... we really did enjoy one another's company. And as I sit here back in Austin I'm reminded that it IS worth making the effort to get to "reunions" like this. That it IS possible maintain friendships across the miles and the years. That is IS important to take in some soul food from time to time to nourish you. Thanks to Marion, Stumpf, Furtsch, Isla, Susan, and Linda for a great weekend...and for the many years of friendship, love, and support. Here's to many, many more...and to the next time we're together.

friday quotation

Found my inspiration today from all of the quotations I have posted around my desk...some of which I need to look at a little more often. This one resonated with me given that it's really feeling like spring...and that I was reminded this week of how many "charming gardeners" I have in my life.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~ Marcel Proust

Almost there...

Yes, it's almost Spring Break, but mostly, I'm almost to Friday. What a week it's been.
I've been sick. I've gotten well (not quite 100% yet but much better than four days ago!).
I've had three major projects in front of me. Two are now behind me with one more to be finished up tomorrow.
I've worried about missing workouts. I've gotten over missing workouts - I think that's allowed/necessary when you're sick.
I've met with a lot of people at school...I've also "pushed" a lot of paper at school (namely over 550 transcripts!).
I've cooked and cleaned and been fairly domestic.
And now...I finally see the light at the end of this proverbial tunnel.
Some last minute things to do at work...just took one cake out of the oven (another student got into college so we have to celebrate!)...about to make some brownies for Gran (because my sweet friend Chris is going to visit Gran when she's in N.O. this week...I'm so touched by that outreach of love I cannot even begin to talk about it)...need to pack for the day tomorrow (starting with a 10 mile run with Jess!!)...and then finally, I need to throw some things in a bag for my weekend with my camp friends! HOORAY! What a very sweet way to end the week...a few days with Christa (who is pregnant!), Marion (who is recently engaged!), and the rest of us who are coming together to celebrate them - Susan, Furtsch (who has pulled this whole weekend together and IS in charge no matter what she says), and Isla. More on the weekend when I return...probably nothing along the way...and hopefully lots of pictures with my childhood friends. It's always amazing to me that no matter how much time has passed, we fall right back into place with one another. Guess that's what happens when you spend your summers together as little girls...we're going on about 27 years of friendship...we know how to do it.

I think it might be here...

...spring that is. What has me convinced of this even with the backdrop of a a pretty decent hail storm during my college counseling presentation at lunch today?

- the smells of mountain laurel (a.k.a. grape kool-aid trees) along the streets of Austin

- trees all in bloom along the Town Lake running trail (not to mention the number of people out there...including some other very fine specimens of nature...but I digress...)
- the birds chirping away outside of my office (not just the grackles but the sing-song birds)...I will not go into my hope that they don't come after me every time I exit my office!

- days that will soon be even longer (don't forget to "spring ahead" this weekend!) but that already have more daylight hours

- the touch of humidity that has returned to the air (hmmm...I prefer cold, thank you)

- outward displays of "spring fever" here on campus

- temperatures and sunshine that beg you to roll down the windows of your car and play your favorite music...singing is optional...well, not really

- charity bike rides and the start of tri season

- everyone flocking to local outdoor establishments for happy hour or dinner outdoors because we want to take advantage of the few weeks when we can sit outside happily without the need for misters or mosquito netting! (Or hanging out on your own porch...or opening the windows of your house...)

- oh, and for us "school folks"...SPRING BREAK...just a few days away (not that we're counting)

Alright, already...

...Mr. Cold, Flu, Cough Bug you can have me for a few days.
But I will not go down without a fight.
I will sleep enough and drink enough water and pound enough vitamin-C to pee out the excess (because that's what happens with extra vitamin-C, folks!) and take in enough herbs/colloidal silver/and all of that good homeopathic stuff until I feel better.
(P.S. I'm sort of glad you finally just came in and made yourself at home, Mr. Cold, Flu, Cough Bug because you'd been hanging out on my doorstep for about three weeks now...why in the world were you so shy? Next time, just come on in sooner...then you'd be gone by now!)

yoga Monday

"We are not the image we once had of ourselves...we are not even who we were yesterday." Today's yoga thought was all about how we change and how things change....and basically how we should be open to that and go with it...like it's the course that life has in store for us and we should be accepting of it.
This seems to be a regular theme in yoga as our teacher(s) reminds us to be present in our practice and to not compare our practice to our practice yesterday or last week. Such a tough thing to do. I think I go into yoga (and everything?) hoping to be as "good" (or "flexible" or "fast" or "whatever") as I was the day before...and ideally, a lot better than I was a few months ago. And it's tough to just be. To just accept the practice for what it is...on that given day. To not worry if my downward dog is not as easy to attain as it was last week. To not worry if I can't even get into 1/2 pigeon much less full pigeon. To not worry if I can't begin to touch my toes.
What would life be like if it really was all about living in the present and accepting the present as "just right" the way that it is? Hmmm...I don't know. But I think I'd like to find out.

panoramic view

I'm a detail person. Proofreading. Noticing the subtle differences in people and things. Picking up on the slightest changes. Remembering the most bizarre random facts about people, places, things, or experiences. Paying attention to each little item that I need for a trip, a training session, a meeting, a birthday party, etc... These are all good things about being a detail person.
The bad thing is that sometimes I can get so caught up in the details that I forget the big picture. "Can't see the forest for the trees" could describe me pretty well. A run goes poorly and I forget that it's just part of a bigger training season (or weekend). A conversation at work doesn't end the way that I hoped, and I need to remember that there will probably be other conversations and/or that not everything can will go my way all the time. I goof up in a relationship, and I struggle to remind myself that "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" are possibilities and that no one can act "just right" all of the time.
Thankfully I am surrounded by very wise friends who remind me that sometimes the panoramic view is the one that I need to focus on rather than using my telescopic lens all the time. Whether it's in relationships, training, work, or just life in general, I think it's pretty good advice to heed.
We can make ourselves crazy if we become too focused on any one thing or detail. We can become too critical of ourselves or another person or the way a certain sentence is written or, or...well, you get the picture. (No pun intended.) Or we can get bogged down in one or two things that aren't going so well or any number of things that we don't like about ourselves and forget that overall, life is pretty darn good and that as a whole person, we're probably not all that bad.
Or maybe it's all just me and no one else out there ever replaces the panoramic lens with a telescopic lens, but I don't think so. I suspect that we're all prone to be hard on ourselves, to pick our own faults apart, to see the bad rather than the good when it comes to ourselves - and maybe with others or with situations as well. I certainly don't have the all of the answers to avoid this; and, frankly, I don't think we want to avoid the telescopic lens altogether. But I do think that the panoramic lens has its place, too. And that maybe just when we're thinking that life stinks or we stink, we need to look at life and ourselves through that wide-lens so that we can let in the good and the bad and make a pretty balanced and wonderful picture.

ahhh...yes...I remember...

...what it feels like to go out for a ride, wheels down at 7 a.m. and return 5 hours later.
...what it feels like to ride a route that is hill after hill after hill...and feel a bit of awe and pride at having completed it (even if you weren't as fast as you've been the past few weeks).
...what it feels like to celebrate victories with teammates and let them help me along when I'm wondering if I can get up another hill.
...what it feels like to ride a new saddle and be sore in new places...and be trying to figure out if it's better than your old saddle because they both hurt...just differently.
...what it feels like to throw on my running shoes after my ride and hit the trail for 40 minutes.
...what it feels like to have that first "real" food after a long ride and just how good it tastes.
...what my couch feels like after a day when I was anything but a couch potato.
...what it feels like to want to go to bed at 8 p.m. - and feel like I totally earned that early bedtime.
...what it feels like to have the beginning stages of my first cold of the season...and how maybe with enough Vitamin C it won't develop into a full-blown cold.
...what it feels like to be reminded by a perfect stranger that money, good looks, marriage, kids, etc... don't make you happy.
...what it feels like to have wonderful friends...and take a moment to offer a bit of gratitude for them into the universe. (On that note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESS...hope it was awesome!)
...what it feels like to be a little lost and know that "this too shall pass..." and that there are lessons along the way that can only be learned by being lost.

friday quotation

"There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying.
The knack is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it.
The first part is easy.
All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt.
That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.
Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it pretty hard.
Clearly, it is the second part, the missing, that presents the difficulties.
One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It's no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won't. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you're halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground, or about how much it's going to hurt even if you fail to miss it."

~Douglas Adams

I still haven't read The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but clearly I need to.

near miss with some sort of meltdown

What a day.

I seriously haven't felt so overwhelmed, emotional, exhausted in a long time. And that was all without a single workout in my day. Normally I would say that was part of the problem, but I think I really needed a day off to feel ready for the weekend that I have ahead of me (80 miles + a 40 min run on Saturday followed by an 18 mile run on Sunday) and to ward off some crud that has been trying to insert itself into my life for about 2 weeks now. Plus, I had a 7 a.m. meeting, a full day of work, a bike saddle fit, and then a speaker to attend from 7-9 p.m. Perfectly reasonable day to suspend workouts, especially when I'd already hit my hours for the week, right? Absolutely.
Well, tell that to my type A personality. She was in overdrive today. By my 7 a.m. meeting I had already half convinced myself that I was being a wimp, that I should have gone for at least a quick neighborhood run, and that I had been a fool to sign up for IM #2. I know. Crazy thinking. Pile all sorts of work stress on top of that and the questioning continued about how I was going to get everything done in the next week, if I'd been on top of anything in the past week, and general worries about how well I'm doing my job because I seem to always be behind. Insert worries that I'm not showing up for everyone in the ways that I would like to and, I'm not kidding, by 8:30 a.m. when I was late for a meeting because my first meeting got out late, I was barely breathing. Well, I did get enough oxygen in my brain to have the wherewithal to do two things: 1) eat breakfast and get some coffee and 2) curse my type A personality! Both efforts were actually quite satisfactory.
And once I'd calmed down just enough I emailed a few friends who were kind enough to "listen" to my freak-out. And then I got down to work. And I don't think I really sat down all day. Until I got to Jack and Adam's to try a new bike seat - we'll see how it goes on my ride this weekend - where I also ran into Jess and I literally sat on the floor while Zane tweaked her bike seat. Just talking to her and Zane, after my many emails with Amy that helped during the day, got me to a better place...where I could finally go hear an educator talk about the importance of the right brain in the future of education. (No offense to the left brain...it has its place, too...but the right brain creativity, intuition, teamwork, etc... is going to be just as important according to this speaker, and lots of other educators and researchers.)
Heading home from the speaker I noticed that I was breathing better, that I had somehow reframed the day and figured out how to manage it without a total meltdown - no small feat considering how close to tears I was on several occasions. Grateful to my friends who were there for me. And determined to make tomorrow a less stressful, meltdown worthy day! Must focus on sleep tonight and good eating and hydrating tomorrow. Have to say that I heard my mom's voice several times..."when was the last time you got a really good night's sleep and had a good meal?" When I didn't have an answer to that she would recommend both and tell me to call her back. Think I need to heed her advice again (although I've been good with the food stuff lately...); sometimes moms really do know what they are talking about.

straight to my heart

Words that is. They sometimes go straight to my heart. Not in one ear and out the other but on a direct path to my core.
Starting this morning at the pool with Chrissie, who on our last 100 with fins said, "Go catch them, Elizabeth." "Sure thing, Chrissie" is what I thought, totally uncertain of what I had in me. My legs were still feeling a little spent from the weekend + yoga on Monday morning + a hill workout Monday night + a swim on Tuesday morning + core/spin on Tuesday night. I ended up catching the boys in my lane and finished off the set with a 1:09 on the last one - 5 seconds faster than I had been holding for the other five 100s. I'm not super competitive but every once in a while when a coach says, "Go catch him/her/them" (Logan sometimes says this to me, too), I do find an extra gear in me that I didn't think I had. It's as if the words go to my core and flip that switch for me. And that is a good reminder to me that I usually do have a little more in me than I imagined.
When I hopped out of the pool, Chrissie said, "You're getting faster...and it's only March." Those words also bee-lined for my heart. I've been feeling rundown and tired by our training - which is natural since this is the first big ramp-up that we have...but still...I would like to feel stronger and more energetic. I know, that's asking a lot. And I've even had my moments of feeling pure frustration...and pure excitement. But since Sunday especially I've been feeling as if the wind's been taken out of my sails a little. Trying to use the "mind over matter" approach, I've told myself I'm just tired and that's okay and that I'm not really as slow or weak as I feel. But no workout until spin Tuesday night gave me any encouragement otherwise. And then the "deal was sealed" this morning at Circle C and tonight at Deep Eddy. (Yep, two swims in one day...I'm in heaven!!!) It's nice to feel like I'm on the mend...
And seriously nice to have those words warming my heart because at school I heard some words that went straight to my heart in another way. I've had to miss advisory for two days now because I've had to either administer an exam or speak to another group of students and one of my advisees said, "Miss Guice, I feel like you've abandoned us." Knife. Heart. Insert. Turn it a little. Yep. That's the feeling. Ugh. One of my greatest fears, that someone will feel abandoned by me as a friend, daughter, granddaughter, sibling, teammate, advisor, colleague... I am sure it actually happens all the time, but I feel like I'm juggling so much right now that I'm probably letting people down left and right. That being said, I know the student was joking...well, sort of...because I did prep them for my absences this week. And they can (or need to!) stand on their own two feet. But still.

Okay, off to finish some work and eventually get to bed...I need some words about sleep to go straight to my heart, too...finding that there is just too much to be done each day and trying to figure out how to fit it all in. I know I'm not alone!

rubbernecking

You know you've done it. You're driving down the highway and there's an accident. The sensible, safe thing is to just keep driving. But instead, you slow down, do everything but lean out the window, and make sure that you get a good long look at what has happened. And then you drive away.
Well, you can rubberneck with a TV show, too.
Last night as I was innocently flipping through the TV channels to find the weather and see just how cold it would be at swim practice this morning (in the 30s, for the record...again), I flipped past whatever channel "The Bachelor" is on. I know. I should have just kept on searching for the weather, but instead I had to go back, stop, and look at these people who were making a spectacle of themselves and their romantic adventures on national TV. This was the final episode of the season so one woman was about to go home broken-hearted and the other would have a ring on her finger. That is exactly where I turned it on...so, of course, I had to watch.
Really, what choice did I have? Don't answer that. I know, it's the epitome of a "chick flick"...gone bad? It really is awful. I'm not sure why anyone would want their "love life" (or whatever amped up version of dating to engaged in a matter of TV episodes "The Bachelor" is) aired on national television. Only someone with more guts than I have, less fear of rejection, and someone who doesn't mind something private being made very, very public. Not for me. (I know, you are shocked!) But still I watched enough last night to feel sick to my stomach. For lots of reasons. Just like when you see an accident on the roadside. Really, it's better not to look. It's someone else's disaster. You can be concerned, you can wish that everyone would survive, but other than that there's very little you can do. And that is a helpless and sick feeling.
So, tonight I'm keeping the TV turned off (I'll watch "Lost" later since I'll miss the beginning of it anyway) and making chocolate chip cookies instead...much, much safer.

yoga Monday

This morning's yoga message was all about transitions...about how nothing really stays the same...about how if we ever really want to grow we have to let go of what we know and give ourselves room to become something else. Pretty cool. Pretty frightening. I always feel a mix of giddiness and fear at the thought of change. It's full of possibilities and yet it's different. I'd like to continue to be better with the whole thought of change...and more graceful in my transitions.
The weather around here seems to be only about change these days. Sun...snow...spring...and then winter again. Apparently it's not all in our minds either. This winter in Austin will go down in the books as being one of the 8th coldest winters since they started keeping track of such things in the mid 1800s. No wonder we're a little weary of mornings in the 30s as we hop on our bikes or into the pool. But before we know it, it will be in the 90s on a regular basis and we'll be wishing for these cold mornings. The weather right now is actually quite wonderful...crisp mornings but plenty of sun during the day and then chilly nights after the sun sets. Makes for nice evening runs...even when your legs are toast, like mine were tonight. Those hills on Sunday took it out of me - partly because they are just fierce but also because I'm needing to tweak nutrition stuff in general and specifically during my run. Thank you, Jess, for puzzling through that with me. Anticipating a rebound any day now!