more intentions

I heard on the radio the other day some clip about New Year's resolutions and how they weren't "real" unless you wrote them down. Well, I'm not sure I buy that 100% and I'm not sure that my New Year's "intentions" have to follow the same rules but it did make me think that I've had lots of intentions floating around in my head and that perhaps it would be helpful to write some of them down (some remain tucked away in my heart to be shared with only a few people). Just for the heck of it. Perhaps to return to some day, knowing that I probably won't have achieved all of them but that I will at least hopefully have achieved some of them.
- as stated previously...to be more vulnerable. Still working on this one. I've certainly made a few steps forward...hopefully not too many steps back...but fear I'm living in the middle ground here.
- to try a new recipe each week...CHECK! Already succeeding with this one...and loving it! (This past week it was scallops with lemon-caper sauce, roasted veggies, brown rice & broccoli pilaf; this week it's slow-cooker pork, rosemary polenta, tres leches cake, tilapia stuffed with spinach and mushrooms, granola. Who knows what will be next?!)
- read more...hmmm...pretty self-explanatory...pretty much work to do here!
- when it comes to training: listen to my body; take a regular day off each week; give each workout 100% of what I have to give & trust in my body's ability to recover (or learn that it doesn't and that I need to dial it back, but learn that from experience rather than fear); have fun, have fun, have fun...so far, so good...even if it is with the help of friends and coaches reminding me of things
- at work, keep my desk clean...or at least, clean it on Fridays! Pretty good so far.
- eat more protein...and less sugar. Truth: doing well with the first part and getting better about the second part!
- just be...sometimes a little more of something...sometimes a little less of something...sometimes nothing at all
- trust more in what the world has in store for me and live into that...not complacently but openly
I think those were my main ones...well, at least the main ones that I'll post on the Internet! I have another handful that are related to certain people in my life or related to my heart...but they'll stay close to my heart.
As January finds down, I'm feeling pretty good about my intentions and how I'm following through on them. Here's to February and continued opportunities to be even more intentional...

my mom...and a belated birthday tribute

I missed writing about my mom's birthday because, as you can see from my blog posts, I was writing about Monday on Wednesday...and now I'm writing about Wednesday on Saturday. No one said you actually had to blog about the day you were experiencing, did they?!
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about moms lately. Maybe because I'm watching friends be moms or on their way to being moms or wanting to be moms. And I see something I guess I always knew but see so much more clearly now...being a mom is a TON of work. Being a single mom, like my mom is, requires even more work and more sacrifices. I cannot begin to list the things that my mom gave me so that I could have the life that I did...
- one where I could play after-school sports and have a parent on the sideline
- one where my mom could be home when I got home to get a snack and do my homework
- one where she gave up time with friends so that she could be there for me
- one where she gave up summers and went to work at camp (where the picture was taken) so that she could pay for me to go to camp (okay...secretly, I know she LOVES camp...but still)
- one where she made me do things to become more independent not because that was the easy way out but because she knew it was good for me
- one where she didn't let me eat chocolate and Coke all the time...even if she LOVED those two things!
- one where she let me go away from home after high school as gracefully as anyone could have asked for
And now, as an adult, I'm seeing all of these gifts that as a kid I took for granted. Or maybe I just didn't see at all. Of course, mom and I have had our moments but at the end of the day, I've never once doubted that she loved me or cared about me. The support she's shown me, especially over the past few years, has far outweighed the differences we've had over the years. I'm sure I haven't always been the easiest person to parent or love but she's done it...for 36 years now...and I'll forever be grateful for that and for all that she's taught me about how to live. LOVE YOU, MOM!!!

friday quotation

"Life is infinitely stranger than anything the mind could invent..."
~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

yoga Monday (posted on Wednesday)

If there were a yoga pose called "sloth", that's what I should have been doing on Monday. I was one slow-moving, off balance, creaky, sore yogi. I contemplated moving into child's pose every other pose or so, but I kept moving through the class. It was the usual "hurts-so-good" pain...as well as some longer stretches in certain poses intended to help restore our legs and, as usual, open our hips. I felt "off" all class...both in body and spirit. I'm usually fairly successful at focusing on the present when I'm in yoga. In fact, in the year when I was interim Head of Upper School, I found myself in yoga classes at least three times a week because only there did I feel like I could really disconnect from work...thinking about anything but what I was doing usually ended up with me falling over. And that's usually the case...my mind wanders in yoga and head over tea kettle I go. Not so on Monday. My mind wandered all over the map - from thinking about my sore muscles to reliving the 1/2 marathon from the day before to thinking about the rodeo (seriously)...and everywhere in between. And I didn't fall over. But I never really got "into" the practice either.
Regardless, at the end of the hour, Deralyn thanked us for being there, for sharing the practice with one another, for giving that hour to ourselves. Which took us right back to the theme that she suggested to us at the beginning of class - the idea of taking care of ourselves. She read a passage from Baron Baptiste's about the power of showing up for ourselves so that we could take that power, that strength, that presence and show up for others. Reminded me of the old idea that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help someone else. I used to worry that showing up for myself was being selfish, self-centered, self-serving... Okay, maybe sometimes I still do. But in my more reflective moments, I realize that if I'm not doing anything to improve or center myself, there's no way I can be the best person for people around me. If I'm not helping myself to grow, then how can I be who I'm supposed to be in the world.
I think this is maybe why I keep showing up for yoga. Because it's showing up for myself. It's arriving on that mat full of questions, full of uncertainties, full of insecurities, full of hope, full of life, full of confusion hoping to be cleared up, full of...well, just full. Or sometimes empty...waiting to see what the practice might fill me with. Baron Baptiste talks about growth as "the most important thing that there is...(to) living as our authentic selves." And I think yoga is one thing that I do (among many!) that helps me grow...and be more authentic...which is part of being more vulnerable...which makes me realize that it's all very connected.
So, yes, I'll keep showing up...for myself and for others...even when I feel unbalanced and creaky and uncertain. You never know what might happen in those moments when you just don't have it all together. Maybe we need those spaces in between that can only happen when it's not "all together" to grow.
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!! (more on this later...)

if I had to do the weekend over again...

...I really wouldn't change a thing.
Okay, I'd change maybe one thing: I'd not have been racing the day after Michelle's birthday so that I could have enjoyed a whole cupcake and a big glass of wine with her...but that's a small sacrifice to make for an AWESOME weekend.
BBQ on Friday night...good laughs and evidently just the right pre-ride food (pulled pork sandwich and beer) because I had a great ride on Saturday. Seriously, an "out of bike experience" for me. The first time in two years that I actually felt like I might be getting somewhere with my cycling. That is not to say that I didn't accomplish incredible things last year, especially in IM training...new distances each week, a few 100-milers, getting up hills I thought would never end, and even bumping my speed up from a 14.5 average to a 15.5 average. All very exciting! And while I always muscled through each ride, I never felt really strong. Well, Saturday, for the first time, I felt strong! The hills out Fitzhugh and back were as rolling as ever...Southwest Parkway was as chip sealed and hilly as ever...we even had an ever-so-slight breeze for good measure..and it took me my usual 40 minute or so to get warmed up. But once I did, I was set! I even got to pull the fabulous ladies that I was riding with (Amy, Catharine, Karen, and then Marisa on the way back) for some of the ride. It's high time I returned that favor, by the way, since I'm usually trying to hang on one of their wheels! Ended the ride with a little 10-minute brick before going to a summer IM lunch at Waterloo...all smiles from this girl!
Next up was the "cupcake tour d'Austin"...Hey Cupcake!, Sugar Mama's, and PolkaDots to gather cupcakes for birthday girl, Michelle. What a good excuse to check out the different cupcake places in town. Evidently there are others that I need to add to my next tour, but these three were the perfect stops for Saturday and I had fun choosing different flavors at each spot. Red Velvet, Jack's Lemon, Hula, 24 Carrot, Double Dose (of chocolate), just to name a few... I think the birthday girl was pretty pleased with the assortment, as were the other party goers since I think she only went home with 3 or 4 out of her birthday dozen! Nice birthday celebration with wine and cupcakes at Apothecary Wine Bar...and then it was early to bed for this girl.
Sunday morning came around mighty early...3M Half Marathon! "Fast. Easy. Fun. Run 13.1" - we would see! I was oddly excited for this race. Had a "bee in my bonnet" for a number of months to run a 1/2 marathon. It had been 10 years since I'd run 3M. It was my first 1/2 marathon ever. I trained on my own - totally clueless. Ran 6 miles at Camp Mabry every morning in the dark and then did long runs on the weekend. No water. No nutrition. No kidding.
Theoretically, I should have been able to beat my time from 2000 - 1:56. Yikes. Evidently the 26 year-old me was pretty fast. I really wasn't sure I could hold a sub-9 mile pace for a half marathon that I was excited about yet under-trained for (I have not run over 9 miles since...well...November or December). And I'd completed a 50 mile ride the day before. And I'd aged 10 years! Excuses aside, I started to look at some new goals. Negative split? Under 2 hours? Right at 2 hours?
As race day approached, I pretty much had no clue what I wanted to do time-wise. Correction: I wanted to beat my time from 2000. But realistically, I had no idea what my time would be. I had two GREAT run workouts the week leading up to the race but that didn't help me figure out my pace, etc... I talked to Jim late in the week to see what he was thinking in terms of pace. Jim is usually my pace or a little faster so I was hoping maybe we could run some together. He was only slightly less vague than I was about goal time, but we agreed we'd start the race together and see what happened.
I woke up to temps in the 40s, had an easy car exchange/ride up to the race start with Jess and Jim, enjoyed my pre-race time with those two, managed to keep nutrition spot on, obligatory port-a-potty stop, and then to the race start. Where we waited. And waited. And waited. Finally an announcement - the race had been delayed until they were able to get the barricades that had blown into the race course back on the side. The masses huddled closer together to stay warm. By now, the wind was really blowing and many folks had already shed layers in anticipation of warming up as soon as we started running.
A few more minutes of waiting. Then 20 minutes. (I took advantage of this time to go back to the car and swap shirts...ended up being a good choice.) When all was said and done, we started nearly an hour late. Good thing I had that extra Gu! The upshot of waiting around is that all you can think about is "I just can't wait to start running!" The downside of that is that, if you're like me and have a pathetic since of pace anyway, you go out even faster than you normally do when you go out too fast!
Jim and I were pretty much at/near the back of the pack so we did our fair share of weaving in and out of the crowds but were at an 8:35 pace or so within that first mile...umm..yeah. Not a slow start. We dialed it back some. Really, I should have let Jim take the lead on this early pacing. Maybe someday I'll learn. I think I get so worried that I won't be able to pick it up that I try to just dial it in and go with it. And, well, usually in these races it works.
I was feeling great. Perfect running weather, in my opinion...legs felt good...breathing was easy. Almost forgot to take my Gu on time since I was enjoying myself so much! Lots of people cheering and even some folks I knew - Carol Lynn and Clarence early on, Liz around mile 2 or 3, Jane around mile 6 and then again around mile 9...and then an entire T3 crew (Michelle, Chris, Kevin, Charles, Landon, Courtney, Lindsey...and maybe others...sorry if I didn't see you!) at mile 12...and then Esther at the end. Plus T3ers who were running so we encouraged one another along the way. As always, it was AWESOME to have so much blue out there.
Back to the race...it was really just a great one for me. I was happy to find the 2:00 hour pace group around mile 8 or 9 because I knew I'd started behind them and even if I stayed with them I would easily slip under 2 hours. But I ended up having enough juice to pass them and make my way towards the finish a little faster. Legs felt great until about mile 12.5 at which point they were officially "done". Cardio-wise I could have kept running. That was exciting! Came in 4 minutes under my time from 10 years ago...and at a pace that I'm not sure I would have ever imagined running (8:37 average - WHAT?!). But more than anything, I had fun...which is a new thing for me when it comes to running. Makes me excited for what is ahead in this training season. I have some new goals for weekly runs...I have some new confidence in myself as a runner. And I'm feeling grateful to the training that's already happened, to my teammates, to my coaches, to everyone in my wonderful support group (family and friends), and to my body - that it lets me do this crazy stuff. Who would have guessed that I'd live into Chrissie's line "get faster not older" again...and on a race of this distance?!
By far though, the best thing was having people to share the day, the fun, and the accomplishment with. Seeing friends and teammates along the course, talking with them after (either in person or on the phone), talking to my family after the race, sharing successes with coaches...it all reminded me that very little of this would matter so much if I didn't have people in my life to share it with.
With a big grin I braved an ice bath when I got home, put my feet up a little, tried to reclaim some calories, hoped that my legs would loosen up, ran some errands, saw Erin's new house (and acted as color consultant!), and finished off the day with some football, work, and cooking. Excited about having some new recipes in my menus this week!
So back to where I began...I really couldn't have asked for a better weekend. Lucky, lucky me.

friday quotation

1. the path is not straight.
2. mistakes need not be fatal.
3. people are more important than achievements or possessions.
4. be gentle with your parents.
5. never stop doing what you care most about.
6. learn to use a semicolon.
7. you will find love.
~Marion Winik

cuteness

Oh. My. Gosh. Could you get any cuter than this new puppy that my aunt and uncle got a few weeks ago? I don't think so.
Makes me really, really, really, really (I could keep going) want one. Don't you think he's looking to come visit his aunt Elizabeth in this picture?!
Thank goodness I have a good reality check function that reminds me of the stuff little pups chew up and throw up and tear up...and when they wake up...and how much attention they need...and that when I'm training for an IM is probably not the best time to seriously contemplate adding a furry bundle of joy into my life! I'll live vicariously through my family as my cousin keeps sending me pictures of this little cutie.

so many thoughts today...that it took two days to post!

I have a friend who tells me that I should just stop thinking every once in a while. Maybe I should have listened to him this time! Seriously, I started this post on Monday evening but had to go to bed so I could get my zzzz's...so, this is a two day post.
Usually Monday is reserved for my "yoga moment"...and I had one Monday morning. But as the day went on LOTS of other thoughts came into my mind, too. So I'm afraid this blog post is going to be a bit of a thought dump...sorry folks. (Feel free to quit reading now!)
As usual, my Monday started off with yoga with Deralyn as our teacher. We did so many hip openers that I will never look at a pigeon, lizard, double pigeon, or frog in the same way...curses on those animals when it comes to yoga! (Which I know only means that I need more of them in my life...ugh.) Anyway, the class started off with a great reading (I happen to have the book that Deralyn often reads from so it's easy for me to re-read the messages when I get home, which is convenient):
Sometimes we need to go further than we thought we could. We need to go past our fear, past our uncertainty, past the bend we can't see beyond. If we stay on the course, give it the extra push, go round the bend, we may find what we're looking for.
As someone who often plays it safe, who walks that fine line of fear very carefully and usually stays on the comfortable side of things, this message to go beyond what I know and what feels comfortable seems totally in keeping with my New Year's intention of making myself more vulnerable. Who knows what bends I'll be rounding this year. I think I've already gone round a few in different areas of my life. And I'm still alive and standing to blog about it. Must be an okay way to live!
From yoga I went over to the MLK march/rally at UT where I met up with some other St. Andrew's folks. We do this every year as a school and although the numbers don't seem to be what they were before, I always take something away from the experience. There's something powerful about remembering that we're a heck of a lot further in terms of racial equality in this country than we once were...well, in terms of equality in general...but that we still have a long way to go. But this year, what struck me was the question of one of the speakers - What are you going to be a fanatic for? YIKES! I don't know?! Peace. Justice. Compassion. Love. Kindness. Saving the planet. Protection of children. Ending poverty. Equality. People living life to the fullest. Got to think on this one some more. Right...more thinking. Sorry. I'm sure those thoughts will end up in some future blog post. I'll warn you when that happens.
Quick trip to Rogue to get some running shoes. Okay. Not a quick trip. I thought it was going to be a quick trip. One where I went in, asked if they had the Asics 2140s that I've been wearing for years, was told no, and I would leave frustrated that I was trying to "shop local" and would yet again be ordering online. So when I went in and discovered that they were, true to form, out of my size, I decided to inquire about other similar shoes. The guy who was helping me (I should have asked his name because he was awesome!) proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes with me getting me fit in a shoe that would be "just right". I must have tried on about 6 pairs. 4 or 5 different brands. And surprisingly, I found myself (and my feet) happiest in a pair that Nike makes - the Equalon 3. I haven't worn Nikes since college when the Air Pegasus was my first pair of real running shoes...and I only chose them because it's what my friend Laurie had and I figured if they were good enough for her then they were good enough for me. Granted at that time, I was mostly a "power walker" so it didn't matter quite as much about fit. But still, I laugh thinking about how I went about choosing that shoe. A lot has changed since then and I'm much more careful now. I go to the experts, and I know that I need a shoe that works for my particular foot, foot strike, form, body build, etc... What hasn't changed is that I still care about what the shoe looks like. What can I say, I think it's a girl thing? But I just cannot have a pink and purple running shoe. Good thing those didn't work anyway. The ones I got are a gray and blue combo and that makes me happy. And I need every little thing I can use to help me be a happy runner. Although, much as it might pain me to admit, I'm becoming a more naturally happy runner every day. (Talk to me after Sunday's 3M 1/2 marathon and I'll see if that statement holds true!) Anyway, my great shoe purchasing adventure lasted a little longer than planned so off I went rushing to my massage with Katie.
I soooooooo needed this massage. It had been much too long since my last one - silly me and not looking carefully at scheduling and the holidays - and with 100 x 100s making my shoulders ache, I was excited (or something) to endure an hour of good-for-me-pain (this seems to be a theme in my life right now!). Near the end of the massage, when Katie was doing her best to work on my calves, she asked: "Do your legs hurt all the time?" I paused for a moment and said, "Umm...well, not when I'm walking or even really when I'm running...but after a run or when you're working on them, yes!" She said she wasn't surprised since they were so tight. Unfortunately this is nothing new. She went on to talk about how she thought it was because my muscles were so dense (good for body building...awesome...just what I wanted to hear) and probably held on to the gunk that our muscles naturally produce when we're working out. Cool. My muscles are like a garbage bin for their own waste. I mean, I guess that's efficient and they are cleaning up after themselves but still, not helpful in terms of being loose. I asked her whether it was a good thing or a bad thing (besides the tightness) and she had the best response: "It's not good or bad. It's just YOUR thing." What a great perspective. I needed to hear that.
It becomes so easy to start comparing ourselves to others in nearly every area of our lives. Are we faster than the next person in the pool? Are we more talented than the next person at work? Are we more compassionate than that person we're volunteering with? Maybe none of that really matters as long we're doing our thing, whatever it may be, as best as we can or as authentically as we can. Seems to be right in keeping with my vulnerability intention...open myself up to whatever it is that is MY thing and live it out.
Phew...too many thoughts for one day...or two days. I'm tired. (Could also be the recent workouts but that is another subject entirely!) Good tired. Ready for bed tired. Off I go...

my favorite workout of the year...

...is perhaps one of the most insane workouts that we do. I mean, really, who in their right minds swims a 10K. That would be 6.2 miles. So, it's not swimming the English Channel (some 21 miles or something) and it's in a pool (not open water) but still. It's a little insane. And I love every minute of it! Honestly, I would consider open-water long distance swimming if it weren't for all of the potential sea life that I might encounter which, quite frankly, freaks me out! I'm thinking that I love swimming so much because I love water. According to my mom, I always have. I think I was swimming at age 3 or something. And at camp I spent every possible free moment in the water...even to the point of capsizing the sailboat for "practice" MUCH more than I needed to just as an excuse to get in the water. Given the choice of where to go for vacation...nearly any place near water always wins out in my mind.
So I didn't mind spending 3+ hours in the water today to swim a 10K. The 10K is divided up into 10 sets of 10 100s each. The sets are varied - pull, swim w/o equipment, kick, fins...or some combination. I think my favorite moment was when we were running short on time and I half jokingly suggested that we do the entire last set with our fins and without stopping. Michael and Jess sort of looked at me and so I moved to an empty lane to finish things off by myself. A few hundred later and Jess is in the lane with me. She also thought that the way to finish this workout off was to do 1,000 without stopping. Fun! I love that Jess is often my partner-in-crazy-workout-crime!
I was tired at the end but actually feeling okay...except for my arms and shoulders. We pulled about 3,000 of the 10,000...translation - that would be like pulling nearly an entire swim workout that we do. Yikes. Good thing I have a massage tomorrow. I think. Katie might hear new words coming out of my mouth when she goes in to work out the kinks.
Bonus of the workout: pancakes at the end! Thanks to all of our poolside chefs AND cheerleaders...Y'ALL were AMAZING today and, along with my lane mates, definitely kept me going.
Somehow didn't get to nap today but know I will sleep VERY well tonight. And I think I might even go to bed without my stomach growling for more food. I am always hungry after a swim workout. After a 10K swim workout, I was downright ravenous all day. Had to pace myself in the refueling effort...and managed to stay away from the milkshake that I really wanted. (Don't worry, I did give in to other treats!)

shameless plug for...

GREASE MONKEY WIPES!!!
I could have actually been endorsing Grease Monkey Wipes (GMW from here on our for ease of typing) months ago when I first learned about them from my friend and training buddy Erin who happens to be a co-founder of GMW. They are these awesome citrus oil wipes that take any grease or grime right off of your hands...or arms...or calves...or all of the other places that cyclists tend to be get grease. I can only imagine what wonders they would do at a garage! Anyway, they are packaged in individual packets so you can easily take one or two with you on a long (or short) bike ride in the event that you find yourself covered in grease after changing a tire or picking up a dropped chain or general clumsiness (I can sometimes get grease on me just by looking at my bike!). Use one of these and you won't have to finish out the ride all dirty. I'm not sure why being/feeling clean and grease-free is that big of a deal given that, as athletes, we're often sweaty and dirty beyond belief on the bike. But there's just something nice about changing your tire and then being able to finish out your ride without your fingers sticking together with the grease.
Erin and Tim (her business partner) have been working their tales off since 2008 to promote their awesome product. In Austin and beyond, GMW products have been picked up by stores in such places as Florida, Massachusetts, and Oregon...just to name a few. But I have a feeling that is all about to change.
Tim and Erin were just on Shark Tank - a reality TV show where investors hear/see sales pitches and then decide whether or not they are going to invest in the company. And, well, Erin and Tim rocked. Totally stole the show on Friday night and actually got TWO investors. This is HUGE. And it was SO much fun to watch with a big group of GMW lovers. If you missed the show, click here to see a re-run. And look here for a cool article.
What does this mean for Erin and Tim...well, the press from something like this is incredible, the support of investors invaluable, and the possibilities ahead of them unbelievable! I can't imagine how Erin and Tim are feeling...probably some combination of all sorts of excited, overwhelmed, nervous, and in disbelief. I hope they also felt ALL of the love that surrounded them on Friday night when we were watching the show.
You see, in my opinion, the really cool thing about GMW becoming a BIG deal is that Erin and Tim are wonderful people. You read all the time about "bad things happening to good people" and this is just the opposite. It's a story of a "good thing happening to good people." I don't know Tim, but I can easily say that Erin is one of the most down-to-earth, confident but humble, personable, joyful, generous, uplifting, and courageous people I know. Talk about someone who lives life to the fullest...Erin lives life to overflowing! So glad that our triathlon passion gave us an initial reason to be friends...feel even more lucky that our friendship has extended beyond practices and races. Always on to another project, always reminding me to embrace whatever life throws my way by the way she lives her, always encouraging me to be a little more of a risk-taker than I would normally be... Are you starting to see what it's extra cool that GMW did SO well on Shark Tank?! (Oh, and on top of everything else that she does...Erin is perhaps the only person - or at least one of very few people - who I think reads my blog every day...bless her patience!)
So...today, my blog is nothing about me and everything about GMW. Hip, hip, hooray for a sales pitch well-delivered, for a couple of big investors, and for a very bright future! Go Erin and Tim!!!

friday quotation

Thinking of the devastation in Haiti and keeping the country, the people, the people who are helping, and everyone affected in some way or another in my prayers.

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering." (Ben Okri)

Gosh, I hope this is true.

doing v. being

Another New Year's intention...focus on "being" rather than "doing".
This does not mean that I get to cut out of everything that I don't want to do! But it means that I'm allowed to just sit. To "be" with other people more. To have down time. To not worry about the "to do" list so much when it's threatening to take over my life.
I heard a great speaker (I think I mentioned her before - Brene Brown) who suggested that America is suffering from the fear of scarcity. And not just in terms of material things (worrying that there's not enough or that we'll run out of what we have so we miss out on being grateful for what we have) but also in terms of things like sleep or what we do. She went on to explain that she thinks many of our brains replay tapes that say, "I didn't get enough sleep" when we wake up and tell us that "I didn't get enough done" when we go to bed. She offered the idea that we feel like we never have, do, or have done enough. YIKES!
So new intention...focus on just "being". Being grateful, being in the moment, being still, being vulnerable, being joyful, being available, being generous, being silly, being a good listener, being open, being creative, being lovable, and being loving...just to name a few. So many things to "be". Might not have time to "do" anything!

music to my ears

Just when I'm pretty sure that Gran cannot top something that she's said to me, she writes a simple email that reminds me that the little things we do in life do make a difference. A home-cooked meal for someone who never really liked to cook and certainly has no interest in it at age 92, for example!
Dear Elizabeth,
Thanks to a loving granddaughter I have just had a wonderful dinner - homemade chicken pot pie and corn pudding. If you had not been so thoughtful as to leave me all of this food I would be eating Swanson's frozen dinners. Don't freeze camping. Lots of love and thanks for caring.
All my love, Gran
Don't think I could be much luckier than to have someone appreciate something that I enjoy doing so much. It really was the least that I could do for her - to leave her freezer pretty well stocked with chicken pot pie, quiche, corn pudding, and biscuits so that she could feel that joy of a home-cooked meal even when I'm here in Texas. A little expression of love across the miles...glad that it's working!

yoga

Funny that I've been practicing yoga for a while now and I never knew that the word "yoga" had a meaning. It means "to join one point to another" or "to leave one place, space, condition and move toward a better one." Of course, none of this happens without being willing to go there or open to change, but it's a cool thought...movement to a better place, space, or condition.
And maybe on this 1st day of IMCDA 2010 training it's no mistake that all that my schedule allowed for was yoga. With the ideas of doing v. being (aiming for more of the latter!) floating around in my head after class, I think perhaps I will begin this IM training season with a little more clarity, a lot more knowledge, and a greater sense of peace even as I strive to move from one place to a better one. With a confident excitement and a wonderful "here we go" calm, I begin...

fun times in Bandanna, Texas

Okay...it's really Bandera, Texas. I know that. But a woman at the race called it "Bandanna" and we thought it was so funny that we referred to it as Bandanna, Texas for the rest of the weekend. And what a weekend it was.
I'm always up for camping...any time, anywhere, any season, any reason...so I signed on with Jess to go "sherpa" and support Logan and other T3ers who were going to be doing crazy distances through the woods. What we didn't know at the time was that the crazy distances on wild trails would be accompanied by insanely low temperatures!
We watched the forecast all week and it just seemed to go from cold to colder. Luckily, no rain was predicted...but the temps were supposed to be in the teens. Yikes. But the race must go on, so to speak, and sherpas/friends must follow...and campers must camp. Had we been planning on tent camping with no heat source, it might have been questionable but thanks to Logan's pop-up and the generator he was able to borrow we had heat which saved us from freezing into solid ice blocks...like the water in our Nalgenes did! We knew it would be cold and so we packed the warmest stuff we had, but I'm really not sure anything prepared me for a 10 degree wake-up call on Saturday morning. And as we walked to the start of the race, all that I could think about was the poor runners who were about to head off into the woods for a 25K, 50K, or 100K trail run - "a trail of rugged and brutal beauty where everything cuts, stings, or bites." At the beginning of a race that I'm not racing, I usually get a little heart flutter that makes me wish that I were doing the race at hand. Not so on Saturday...it was too darn cold! And after standing in awe of the runners - all decked out in their jackets, leggings, hats, gloves, water bottles, camelbaks, etc... - we took some pictures of Vegas, Jerry, Jane, and Rhonda, and we then headed back into the pop-up for some breakfast and HOT COFFEE! After mapping out our day and estimating when and where we might be able to catch up with folks on the trail, we headed into town to get a few essentials (and non-essentials!) for post-race, had some fun in the hardware and Family Dollar store and some excitement with the alarm for Logan's car, and then headed back to the race site to see what and who we could see. Trail races are a little different from road races in that they are VERY laid back, in a really nice way, and so we were able to get right up on the trail at the first aid station we stopped at.
We couldn't have been luckier to roll into the Crossroads aid station just in time to catch Rhonda coming in...and then Alisa...and then Logan. Already super impressed with everyone for still being out there in spite of temps that hadn't climbed very much since the beginning, some being rookies to trail running, and some suffering from blisters. When we wandered down to the finish line in time to see Alisa finish...and got to hang out with surprise supporters Alison, Amy, and Val. Fun!
A little more prep for post-race stuff and then back to the finish line to see some 50K finishers. It was really neat to see people finishing this race. To see people emerging from the woods, from a treacherous trail (no matter what the distance), generally with smiles of relief on their faces and a HUGE sense of accomplishment. I suppose it's like this at the end of any race but something felt slightly different about this race, maybe because it was such a rugged environment and the conditions were so tough. At any rate, being at the finish for Logan, Jane, Jerry, and Vegas and then the first of the 100k-ers was really cool. So proud of all of my friends who tackled this course (at any distance)...and they did it in such a way (that made it look fun in that way that these challenges are fun) that I'm tempted to put it as my first race on my 2011 race calendar. But that's a little ways away and I have a lot to do before then! Namely IMCDA 2010 - training begins tomorrow...woo-hoo! And a few other races in between - the Austin 3M 1/2 Marathon and Lonestar 70.3 in Galveston.
This weekend was really the perfect way to lead into CDA training. A true rest for my body...a nice break from the "real" world as I disconnected from email, voicemail, etc...and a chance to be with friends and spend a little time without the light pollution of the city and even in the freezing night air look up to a sky completely dotted with bright stars. Reminded me that there's a big part of me that's a country girl at heart and that I need to get out of the city every once in a while to refuel my soul in this way. Grateful for the chance to do that this weekend...thanks to everyone who was a part of it!

friday quotation

"When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space."
~Pema Chodron

vulnerability

Guess I should put the theme of my New Year's intentions out there: to be more vulnerable.
Again, rather fuzzy, I know. But my translation of this looks something like:
- trying new things even if/when there is the risk of failing at them
- letting go of some things (the things that feel safe because they are what I know) in order to let in new things
- tossing aside some of the "rules" I've set in my life and listening to my gut...maybe this is living with my heart instead of letting my head take over (note: it ALWAYS feels better to me to live with my heart but I have an inner voice that always speaks in an "outside voice" volume level that sometimes chimes in and is awfully persuasive...)
- being more willing to share, to open my mouth, to speak my mind, and to spread my love
I'm not exactly sure what this looks like in "real life" but I think this image in this blog pretty much sums up why I'm choosing it.
There's a pose in yoga that we sometimes do called the camel pose. I once had a yoga teacher caution us that we might feel physically nauseous in this pose because it exposes your heart so much. He went on to say that we spend so much of our days hunched over a computer, behind the wheel of a car, even walking with our shoulders scrunched in...so much that we're constantly protecting our hearts and not necessarily opening them up to the world. I really resonated with this description. Like so many of us, out of fear of getting hurt or rejected or being judged, I do a really good job...maybe too good of a job...of protecting my heart. It doesn't mean that I don't love fully or let people in, it just means that I can hold back and not live fully. Intrigued, I looked up a little more about camel pose. Here are some little bits of information about it:
- it's an intense back bend and a great heart opener (look at the picture!)
- it represents the ability to accomplish the impossible and to go through life's challenges with ease
- practicing camel pose can help you express your feelings and find compassion toward others
So maybe I'm going to become the vulnerable camel this year?!
Who knows.
I'm excited to see.

intentions

Each time when we start a yoga session, our teacher says, "Choose an intention for today." I've thought a lot about that over the past 6 months or so that I've been doing yoga more regularly. Intention.
Not goal.
Not challenge.
Not purpose.
Not anything that can really be graded or judged.
Not necessarily something that has an end product...or an end at all.
According to Merriam Webster, an intention is "a determination to act in a certain way." The online version of the dictionary then goes on to compare intention to some of its synonyms - intent, purpose, design, aim, end, object, objective, goal. But the main difference seems to be that intention is "little more than what one has in mind to do or bring about."
So inspired by my yoga practice (albeit once a week...I really do cherish that time...for many reasons), I'm setting intentions rather than resolutions this year. I realize this is rather fuzzy as a concept and that some will say it's really not the same since resolutions are often about something that can be measured and most of my intentions will be immeasurable. But, I think having a year of intentions will be just as valuable for me as having a year of resolutions. And if you know me, then you know that in my world an intention pretty much is a resolution. But in my mind it's one that doesn't end in a year. It's an ongoing commitment to bringing about some changes in my life, to living differently, to acting differently...perhaps to being different, well, really to being more of who I am.

let the projects begin...

...not necessarily the New Year's projects, but there are certainly some of those, too. (Most will be in a later post...I know, it's already January 3 and no New Year's "intentions" or "goals" posted but who says you have to do that in your blog on January 1?) These are more of the "I'm back in Austin and not back in work yet and there are some things I've been wanting/meaning to do" projects.
Project #1: Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon
Let me just say that Julia had A LOT of time on her hands. I really enjoyed pulling together this recipe - beef, beef stock, bacon, red wine, carrots, onions, thyme, tomato paste, mushrooms, butter...how can you go wrong with those ingredients?! Yum. It was like my own little creative adventure on New Year's Day. But really, it was probably the most intense cooking project I've tackled to date. I think I started at 4:00 p.m. and didn't pull the dish out of the oven until almost 10:00 p.m. (Luckily I had already planned to have something else for dinner!) Thanks to Jess, I made a few substitutions to make this recipe a little more waist and heart friendly. Honestly, the real recipe calls for so many "pats" of butter that you'd be "patting" everyone with your hips as you walked in any semi-narrow, semi-crowded space! Tonight I finally got to really enjoy my creation...and every minute of stirring, braising onions, sauteing mushrooms, etc...was worth it. A VERY nice beginning to my cooking challenge of 2010 - make one new recipe a week! I had fun, I learned a few new tricks in the kitchen, and I discovered that (for me) cooking out of Mastering the Art of French Cooking and country music don't really mix and that when cooking something like this in a condo the size of mine you are likely to leave EVERYTHING smelling like whatever you've cooked. Let's just be glad I didn't cook cabbage!

Project #2: hanging t-shirts in my office
Starting with my very first group of senior advisees, it's become a tradition for (ideally) each of my advisees to give me a t-shirt from the college that they choose to attend. The variety of shirts is really neat, but what means more to me are the (usually!) sweet notes that they write on the shirts. It sounds cheesy, but every once in a while if I'm having a bad day at work, I'll look up at the t-shirts and read just one or two of them to remind me that at some point in someone's life I made just a tad of a difference. I know, it's silly, but these t-shirts are really special to me. And for a while now, I've had about 8 that have been needing to be hung. But hanging them in my office is no small deal. My office has REALLY high ceilings. Translation - my office is a tower. Yes, a verifiable tower (think only a little shorter than "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair" 's tower!). I'm the only person in the tower, and I'm on the ground floor so there is a lot of space above me. With these tall ceilings, a colleague and dear friend thought that filling the space with t-shirts from my advisees would be a neat thing to do. And it is. But I've now reached the point where I must have a ladder to hang the shirts - no more standing on my desk or on a chair or on the built-in bookcases. So, I grabbed the theater ladder that was outside of the chapel today at school and hauled it over to my office.
A little hint about me, I'm TERRIBLE with perspective, judging quantity, judging distance...pretty much anything spatial. What does this have to do with this t-shirt hanging project? Exhibit A - a ladder that is MUCH too large for the space. Not one to be daunted by technicalities, I moved some furniture and set to hanging these t-shirts...I was determined not to go one more day into 2010 without these on my office wall! The result, many a view like the one in the picture to the left...and finally, t-shirts on the walls! Feels good!

Project #3: do new things, be more vulnerable, take more risks...well, that's the general "theme" of one of my goals this year. And I think that Saturday night was my first step in fulfilling that goal - Blazer Tag. Not entirely new but it's been a good ten years. So at least new for this decade! Makes you vulnerable, for sure, even if this isn't exactly the type of vulnerability I was talking about! And the game itself and the games that followed (Dance Dance Revolution namely!) involve putting yourself out there at risk of making a total and complete fool of yourself. I shy away from those opportunities too much so I'm trying to face them down and meet them with a grin in 2010. And Blazer Tag and DDR definitely got me off on the right foot...no pun intended. Great times. Big laughs. New skills. Well, maybe not so much the latter!

Here's to the rest of 2010 and all of the projects - both tangible and intangible that I'll tackle...I think it's a year of ETG embracing all that life throws my way - even if it takes me outside of my comfort zone.

friday quotation

I suppose I could have searched for a great quotation about new beginnings, fresh starts, etc... But I didn't. I've had this quotation on my mind ever since I saw it a few weeks ago, so I decided it was what I would share for this first quotation of 2010.
It's simple. But I like it.

Life offers far more good than bad.


And now that I think about it, it's not a bad reminder for this new year. Happy 2010 everyone...hope it really is full of more good than bad for all.