full moons and new months

Tonight is a full moon and it does indeed look like there is an extra moon tower in Austin tonight. Shining down on a month that's about to end...welcoming in a month that is about to begin. I know that February is a short month, but it really does seem like it flew by. I covered lots of miles on the bike and in my running shoes...I had many moments for quiet reflection and times to learn more about myself...and I have wonderful memories with friends of celebrations and support through hard times. I've felt both calm and frantic at work...confident, excited, and questioning about my training...secure in who I am and wondering just where I'm going in this world.
Yes, I think that's what February was - a month of being a bit all over the map. Energized and tired. Enthusiastic and complacent. Feeling like I've learned so much about myself in the past few years and realizing I still have a lot left to learn. Having a great run one weekend and a crummy one the next. Spending one day in the bright sunshine and then taking pictures of the snow that fell in Austin two days later. Feeling both very social and also in need of time to myself.
And all the while, having certain things in my life as constants - my friends, my family, my teammates, my work, my health. For these things I'm incredibly grateful. I always appreciate them, but even more so when I look back on a month like this past one and realize how so many other things are in flux.
Speaking of...I now hear rain against my window, which is a sure sign of good sleeping weather for me...and a seemingly appropriate way to usher out what was otherwise a beautiful, sunny day. Good-bye February, hello March.

Sorry, Mother Nature...

...for all the things we've done to make you cranky. Please no more earthquakes or tsunami warnings or other natural disasters. What can we do to make it up to you?

Thinking about everyone who's been affected...

sweet 16

No, it's not my birthday. Certainly not my 16th birthday! And I didn't celebrate my great bike ride today with cupcakes...although that would have been fun. But I am celebrating my third week in a row (or so) of averaging 16mph on the bike.
I know, this isn't super fast to most people. And it still puts me somewhere near the end of the T3 train. But it's a heck of a lot faster than where I was a little over a year ago. And it doesn't drain me like it used to. I'm doing bricks each week (between 10 and 20 minutes unless we're supposed to go longer), and I'm able to hold a steady pace without my legs feeling like they are about to fall off. Good stuff. Even though I'm still working out some hip issues (Dr. Sellers used the infamous ART tools on my hip Thursday...I shall call him Count Scrapula from now on. Ouch.) But I'm learning how to strengthen them and get greater range of motion in them so who knows where my biking might go from here...exciting. And feeling grateful for my health, teammates, coaches, and friends who have encouraged me along the way. I wouldn't get out there week after week without them.
Next bike challenge...a new seat. Some weeks mine is just fine. Other weeks it is almost as uncomfortable as the one that came with the bike. So I'll go see my friends at Jack and Adam's to see what ideas they have for me.
Awesome day overall...beautiful weather (and I got to spend at least 5 hours of it outside - what could be better?!)...great riding buddies...helpful nutrition seminar with Jess and her classmates...a little downtime (could have used a little more of this but will get to bed early)...and a leap-year baby birthday party for my friend Robyn (I can't wait to have some birthday cake!! And, yes, I can...because I rode 70 miles today and will run 15 tomorrow...cake counts as carbs, right?!)

friday quotation

I'm stealing this one from one of my students who spoke in chapel today because I couldn't have said it better myself.

"I don't have the answers to all of the questions of life, but I do know that life is a lot better when you have a passion."

practice makes perfect?

So I've been trying something new lately...saying "no".
Some toddlers learn this word quickly and use it frequently...perhaps too frequently. I think I missed this lesson in pre-school and used its opposite ("yes") too frequently! As I got older, I never really learned to say "no". Okay, that's not entirely true. I learned to say "no" to drugs in my health class and I learned to say "no" to strangers if they were to ever drive up beside me as I was walking home from school and offered me candy (except for that I took the bus home from school so this never really applied!). And I learned to say "no, thank you" if someone offered me something to eat that I didn't want or when someone offered me help that I didn't need. But when it came to helping people or doing a favor for someone or saying "yes" because it kept the peace (especially when it came to my family), I was the last one to say "no". And it's taken me the better part of 36 years to finally be at a place where I've started to add that word back in to my vocabulary where those things are concerned...with others and with myself.
I have been working on this consciously for about 10 years (I know...some of you are thinking, "she's a slooooooooow learner"!), and it's gotten easier. But in my weak moments, I'm back to being the "yes" girl. Saying "yes" feels good (usually), and it makes me (extremely!) happy to be able to do things for others and to make others happy. But some switch flipped in me about a year ago and I realized that always saying "yes" to others meant that I was often saying "no" to myself (tangibly) and sometimes even to my heart (intangibly). Honestly, up until maybe three or four years ago, I don't really remember doing something to help others. This is not a good pattern, friends. Being there for others is one thing, not looking out for yourself as a process is not.
Sadly, I think it took extenuating circumstances and a great opportunity at work for me a few years ago for me to re-learn this lesson...and I pretty much discount that year because I knew I was giving my life up to my work! I don't regret or resent that year at all. In fact, I'm grateful for it for a million reasons, one of them being that it taught me a thing or two about what I wanted my life to look like.
I'm not saying that I have it all figured out now, but I know that in order for me to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, it doesn't involve saying "yes" all the time...although that's still really tough for me.
I had to say "no" this week a few times and while it pained me to not feel like I could/wanted to just jump in and help, I knew that it really wasn't the best thing for me to do (and it really wasn't the best thing for our system here at work either). My head said, "Help...do what you can...even if you're going to be writing your life away" but my heart said, "You aren't going to be seen as any less of a person if you draw a personal boundary around your time, sleep, health, friends, family, training, etc..." That makes total sense, right? So why is it so hard to say "no"?
Maybe because I'm out of practice. I don't think it's like riding a bike and that it will just "come back to me"...partly because I'm not sure I ever really had it!
Maybe because I have lots of old tapes playing in my head that tell me that I have to be the one that fixes everything or says "yes" all the time to make everyone happy. I know. In this day and age of CDs and iTunes downloads, those old tapes should no longer be around but sometimes they are.
I know I will have to keep working at it; and I'm in for the long haul of that journey. But I'm grateful for everyone in my life currently and in the past who has modeled saying "no" to me and who has been an encouragement to me that taking care of myself, that not over-extending myself, that drawing healthy boundaries is a reasonable and good thing. And ultimately better for all around me! (It's the whole put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on the person next to you deal...) It doesn't mean I won't still cross those boundaries or say "yes" one too many times, but it means that when I do need to say "no", I have some sort of peace that it won't be held against me in some way - either literally or in the cosmos.
P.S. I know that sometimes it means saying "no" to fun stuff, too! Like adding an extra practice in or staying out too late before a big workout or eating all the wrong foods before a long run/ride! Discipline...discipline...discipline...that's something I have to continue to say "yes" to. At least some of the time :)

truth be told

Sometimes I get impatient...like today in chapel. (Sorry, advisees.)
Sometimes I just want to daydream instead of working...like yesterday when it was snowing. (I think this is allowed from time to time.)
Sometimes I have to remind myself that when people offer to help they are not saying that I can't do the job...must repeat this one to myself. (And remember it as we plan for next year at school.)
Sometimes I'm really grateful for a day off from exercising when I'm just plain tired for no very good reason...like today. (Thank you, Mother Nature, for giving me an unexpected day off in the middle of the week.)
Sometimes I wish my heart just didn't care so much...but I've come to accept (and usually love?) this part of me.
Sometimes (especially when it's cold outside) I work in my pjs and wool socks in my bed...and eat dry cereal (or drink hot chocolate with a graham cracker) while I work.
Sometimes I look back on my blog and think...why the heck did I write that?!

mashed potatoes in Austin

I certainly didn't really believe it when on Sunday the weathermen/women first started spreading this idea of a wintry mix with snow when it was in the 70s here in Austin. Oh me of little faith in our meteorologists. But really. We get ice here...and sleet...but it hasn't snowed in at least 6 years.
This morning on the drive to Lost Creek for swim practice it was raining...and sometime while we were swimming that turned to sleet. Yes, a sleet-swim...try it, it's fun. Except for when you have to get out! By the time I left Lost Creek, a little sleet had even built up on my car.
The drive in to work was uneventful and easy...no real problems on the road. Thankfully. Everyone seemed to be paying the appropriate amount of caution to the wintry weather. And by the time I got to work, the rain-sleet was coming down pretty steadily. All of the students were bustling around as if they were doing some snow dance that they hadn't practiced in years...no kidding. Yet somehow their amateur efforts worked and mid-way through first period it was snowing. A colleague still called it sleet at the point but by my standards it was snow - it was falling quietly and not pelting the roof of my office and it sure looked like flakes to me. The students all rushed out of the classrooms to continue their snow dance, this time with mouths open to the sky to catch snow and lots of twirling going on. They were hysterical to watch.
Teachers tried to keep everyone on task...many were taking History exams after all...but it seemed like a rather fruitless effort. By advisory, it had legitimately snowed in Austin. A light dusting on the ground, enough to gather and make snowballs (which we did), and even enough to make a snow angel (albeit a very faint one...which we did). Of course the million dollar question was whether or not we'd be dismissed from school early - something that the students (not surprisingly) were gunning for. I have to admit that at least a few of us teachers decided we wouldn't mind it terribly either. And around noon we got the word...SCHOOL WOULD BE DISMISSED AT 1:30 PM! Excitement all around. Obviously, snow isn't a huge problem in terms of driving when you're getting the light dusting that we got; but icy roads are a worry. And with teenage drivers. Yikes. Of course, nearly 300 people leaving one place at one time fueled by the giddiness of a "snow day" isn't the safest idea either...but we urged them to drive slowly and cautiously (as if teenagers really know that language) and we sat back and do what we so often do where our students are involved...hope and pray for the best!
As eager as they were to get home and grab sleds or make hot cocoa or take a nap, they must have heeded our advice because I didn't hear any reports of accidents - phew. And, not wanting to be on the road with all of them and thinking that it would be a quiet afternoon to get some work done, I made myself a cup of tea, turned the music on in my office, and settled into my desk...enjoying the winter scene outside of my office, knowing that it would most likely be gone tomorrow.
More people made it to core and spin than I expected. (And the roads to get there were both clear and relatively empty of cars...nice!) And while it might have been a good night to spin at home, I never work as hard when I'm not spurred on by the energy of my teammates and a coach so I was glad that I made this stop on the way home. And I had the extra inspiration to work hard because Wednesday has become my day off from exercise this week...sort of by default. None of the pools in Austin are going to be open early enough for me to swim before work; our own swim practice at Circle C got canceled due to low temps in the morning; I have a faculty meeting that will creep into track practice; and, as a result of having to shift my Wednesday swim to another day...Wednesday has now become the day to take off from exercising. A little switch-a-roo in the middle of the week...not a bad thing. And crawling under my down comforter tonight with my flannel pjs knowing that I get to "sleep in" tomorrow is an even better thing. Maybe we'll even get a late school start?! Better consult my students for the dance moves for that...
Oh...and why "mashed potatoes in Austin"? Well, apparently when I was little and saw my first snow (I was maybe 3 or 4) I said that it looked like mashed potatoes. Either I had a fabulous sense of imagination or I was hungry! Either way, it was a day of a light serving of mashed potatoes in Austin today...but enough to give us all a little change of pace...which is always welcomed in my book.

yoga Monday...sort of

Yoga this morning seems like a lifetime ago. I'm not sure why the day felt so long but it just did. Probably because I started it off tired! Class was good...got warmed up pretty quickly...although I missed our usual teacher, Deralyn, and her reading something at the beginning of class. But Ramsey did a good job of helping me focus on other things - like my inner thighs in warrior 2...yeah...I felt those again at run practice tonight. And she also helped me really try to clear my brain with a very simple directive when we were hanging in "rag doll" and she said, "Try to just dump every thought from your head." It almost made me giggle. But I live in my head so much, it really made sense. Clear the mind...be present...focus on the mat...feel your body...listen to your breath. Hmmm...sounds like I was still churning my way through thoughts even in yoga. But I can't say I had any huge epiphanies in yoga today. Maybe I was too creaky and having to work too hard at holding the poses. Maybe I was distracted. Who knows. I suspect I was mostly looking forward to my Whole Foods coffee after class and maybe focusing too much on that! (I'm not sure what it is but WF coffee is far an away my favorite coffee here in Austin.)
The rest of my day was a blur...meetings...phone calls...emails...projects...and finally acupuncture (I've come to think Praveeta is a miracle worker yet again) and then our hill workout. We did L-repeats in relay teams...fun workout - hope I didn't give Logan and Jess too much rest as the third member of their team! Legs felt every move of our yoga poses this morning. We actually did a lot of balancing and squat-type poses which didn't help me too much on the hills. I had Jerry Jeff Walker playing in my head, which is not nearly energetic enough to conquer hills. But I kept thinking of Praveeta's suggestion that a hill workout is like a speed workout...on an incline. I like that! Maybe I've really liked speed workouts all along if that's the case?! At any rate, I stayed consistent all the way through the workout which is sort of my "trademark" if I have a trademark - I don't think I do. I wasn't ever the fastest of the night but I didn't slow down a lot either. And in these longer distances, that goes a long way.
Temps dropped while we were running...cold hands! So glad to know I had a warm bath and pot roast waiting for me at home. Perfect for a cold winter's night.
Speaking of cold...chance of SNOW tomorrow. Okay, I'll believe it when I see it, but something might happen. Which might make us wish for the weather of these past two days to come back. Guess we need to remember that it's not really spring yet. Pull out the wool sweaters and socks again...even if it's just for this one last time!
P.S. Do not underestimate the damage that a rather innocent fork can do to a finger...damn if I don't have some hidden talents. Good thing it wasn't a knife is all I'm saying.

perspective

Sometimes you need to step back from life to get a different perspective. Sometimes you need some time to pass to get a different perspective. Sometimes you need to talk to someone else or see life through someone else's eyes to get a different perspective. Sometimes you just need a "bad" run to get a little perspective.
A little history...I've been having an awesome training season so far. Up almost 1mph on the bike from where I was last year...having good, strong swims...running with more confidence and speed than I ever have before...and just plain having fun with it. So many reasons to be really pleased with how things are going. Better nutrition. Better sleep (although I could always use more). Enjoying round #2 of CDA training. And taking a day off regularly.
Until this past week.
And, well, it caught up with me.
Friday's run was just brutal. I went into it after a week of yoga, a hill workout, a track practice, two swim practices, one open water swim, one core class, and 1.5 spin classes (1/2 because my Tuesday night class was only 1/2 effort). I should have known better. But I got all excited about the trail run on Sunday and wanted to do my 13 miles early (on Friday)...so I joined a group at 5:30 a.m. at Barton Springs. Gordon, Jess, Logan, Seth, Jim, Amie, and Mike. Started off feeling good...getting warmed up...keeping up with Logan and Jess. And then about a mile in I knew I was in trouble. No problem, I just dialed it back a tiny bit and dropped back a step or two to run with Jim. Jim and I settled into a nice pace and let the others go ahead of us but still within eyesight. My legs were screaming with every step...and we still had at least 10 miles to go. Seriously, I cannot remember the last run I had that was this painful. I tried to tune it out, and I turned into a silent running partner for sweet Jim who seriously pulled me through the run. I prayed that each stoplight we came to would turn red...no luck...I was forced by the stoplight gods to keep running. And I did. All the way up to and past 51st Street...and then back down Guadalupe to Town Lake...across the Congress bridge...across the wooden bridge...and finally about 13.4 miles later, back to the Barton Springs parking lot. Jess and crew had gotten there just a few minutes before us, which was a shock to me. I was certain they would have been there for at least 20 minutes. And therein lies the surprise, even on a day when my legs were shot, the pace that we kept was decent. Okay, better than decent. Better than many of my "really good" runs from last year. So there's something to be said for that! But there's also something to be said for a day off.
And I learned that the hard way. No trail runs for me (well, not the kind so that I can't have a day off) until CDA is over. Bummer. But better for my training and my legs! Thankfully I have a coach who is tuned in to my tendency to overdo who emailed me on Friday and informed me that I would not be doing the trail run on Sunday since I was riding on Saturday. And the perspective point I have is that my legs hurt so much when he emailed me this news that I couldn't even argue. I knew he was right. I might have come to this conclusion on my own. Or I might have pushed through. Anyway, sometimes I need other people to save me from myself.
My ride on Saturday was fine...good in some ways...frustrating in others. My Friday run + afternoon massage left my legs totally wrecked. My usual riding buddies were not riding the same distance on Saturday, or riding at all, so I adjusted to new folks around me. This always makes me a little nervous, but I settled into it around mile 35 or so. And the slightly slick roads kept us all on guard...more so than usual. But the good news is that the Rosedale ride really is beautiful. And it's nice to be someplace without as many cars. More cows and tractors than cars actually. And no one went down this year. (Rode past the place where Logan fell last year and saw the house of the woman who helped him and who we took cookies and flowers to in the weeks that followed and I have to say it sort of made me a little sick flashing back to last year...SO glad there were no repeats of that this year.) And the rain didn't pelt us like it did last year. And there were headwinds but we rode into them with as much strength as we could muster. And we finished with right around a 16mph pace...which is still a huge accomplishment for me. Especially with wimpy legs. Did a little brick after with Brad and we held a nice pace on that, too...again...huge surprise. So I finished off the training weekend in a good place mentally but still aching physically.
And today...I rested. (Well, I swam a teeny, tiny bit at BSP just to try on a wetsuit that was trying to strangle me last night.) And I needed the rest. And this week reminded me of that. So, in training, like so often in life, I had to push myself beyond my limits to be reminded that I do have limits. Limits when it comes to my body. Limits when it comes to my patience. Limits when it comes to my energy. Limits when it comes to my kindness. I hate to admit all of that. But it's what makes me human. And, oddly enough, when I come at my life from that perspective, I feel a whole lot better about it all - my progress (in training and in living!), my family and friends, my health, my job, the good fortune to pursue hobbies the way that I can...
So a rough weekend training-wise gave me a perspective shift...along with a reason to go into this next week with renewed hope that I will make better decisions and shift my attitude a little.

(On a different note: regarding my Friday quotation...yeah...I failed on day #1 of that experiment. By about 9:30 a.m. Ugh. Not that I won't try again. But I think I shall have to stick with my original Lenten projects of looking at my New Year's intentions.)

friday quotation

Came across this...maybe it could be a Lenten project (I know...I already have some projects):

Beginning today,
treat everyone you meet
as if they were going to
be dead by midnight.
Extent to them all the
care, kindness, and
understanding you can
muster, and do it with
no thought of any reward.
Your life will never be
the same again.
~ Og Mandino

Okay, seriously...I cannot imagine what this would look or feel like...maybe I should try it. Yikes. I'm really not sure I have it in me. I think I'll sleep on it before deciding whether or not to take on this challenge and what the "rules" would be. Mostly, what couldn't I do if I were to act this way. Being kind and nice is one thing. This would take that to a whole new level. Not sure I'm there yet. Which I guess is the point.

P.S. Happy birthday, Charlotte!

Lent

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent...and it's usually a time when I give something up or add something to my daily life. And, well, I'm at a total loss this year. Oh, there are plenty of ways for my life to be cleaned up and improved and for me to be a better person and all of that, and it probably wouldn't kill me to give up chocolate or sugar for 40 days. But if the point of Lent is to give up something or add something to your life to help you be more reflective, I don't think that my daily square of chocolate is standing in the way of that. Maybe I'm totally missing the point of Lent? But I think I'm just going to re-visit my New Year's intentions each day as my Lenten discipline. They mean more to me than something else I might concoct for just these 40 days.
And with that, I'm off to eat my piece of dark chocolate, find where I wrote my intentions down, take a look at them again, and then head to bed...I do think one of them had something to do with my training and keeping a balance...and that balance includes sleep! Got a nice 13-miler ahead of me tomorrow at the crack of dawn...woo-hoo!
(P.S. I sort of laugh when I hear the word "discipline" associated with Lent because that is one area where I think I've actually been observing Lent for about 36 years...sometimes to an extreme - being too disciplined. I don't need 40 days to snap me into shape there!)

are you my type?

O+, O-, A+, A-B+, B-, AB+, AB-
Do you know your type?
About 15 years ago I decided I would try to donate blood. It was maybe a time when I should have listened to my mom when she said, "Elizabeth, be careful. You know you're not good with needles and blood." I knew that, but I thought it was a silly excuse not to give my good blood to someone in need. I thought I needed to "get over" that fear. So I trotted down to the blood drive on campus, got in line, and waited my turn. In the interim, they asked me a bunch of questions, determined my type, and set me up in a folding chair. I looked around and noticed that some folks were in lawn chairs, reclining and looking like they were tanning. That looked more comfortable but I decided not to make a fuss. What I learned in that next hour was that not only was I not good with blood and needles, but I was also not so good at being a blood donor.
Only moments after the needle was inserted in my arm I felt myself going faint and weakly called out to the nurse who was pretty much the embodiment of Mammy from "Gone with the Wind". She turned around to find a very pale college student and let out a loud, "Honey, you don't look so good." No kidding. Thankfully she quickly took action and managed to get the needle out either as I was passing out or just before. I don't remember. Next thing I knew, I was in one of those comfy looking lawn chairs, kicked back, but not feeling the warmth you do when you're tanning. I had ice packs on my forehead and around my neck and Mammy was leaning over me saying, "Phew...welcome back. You gave us all a good scare." After some apple juice and some cookies and a good 30 minutes in the lawn chair, I was released with my blood donor card in hand and a suggestion from Mammy that I reconsider this whole blood donating thing.
Fast forward 15 years to 2010...and a few similar fainting episodes in between when blood work was being done. (FYI...low blood pressure is a good thing...but not always when you are having to give blood!)
Two of my students organized a blood drive here at school and immediately I thought, "I should help. I have O+ blood, which a lot of people can use. I have good blood, well-oxygenated from my training, and it's lived a pretty clean life. I'm healthy and relatively young. AND I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS AND I AM SCARED." End of thought process.
Well, whether they want to be or not, teenagers can be relentless in their asking for help when it comes to something like this. So day after day as I heard the stats about the need for blood, how many lives can be saved, etc... I kept going back to the thought, "I should help...BUT I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS AND I AM SCARED." Phew. Let myself off the hook again.
And then a colleague got up and told a personal story about an accident he'd had and how much blood he needed and how he'd be the first to stand in line to give blood but he'd had cancer too recently and he couldn't...and, well, my mind started in again, "I should help...AND GET OVER YOUR FEAR AND JUST TRY." Yikes.
So I signed up for 3:00 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon when the groovy bloodmobile (see the picture) would be in the circle driveway right outside of my office. It was actually there ALL DAY...which only added to the anxiety I was feeling. Every time I went in or out of my office I saw it, heard it, got more nervous about it. I tried to focus in on my work, drink even more water than usual, and make sure to eat at my usual regular intervals. (Thankfully IM training gets you in the mode to do at least the last two items listed there!)
Looking back on it, I'm still trying to figure out why I was so scared. But I wasn't alone. And that was a cool moment to be able to admit my fear to my students and have them say, "Me, too!" I think I didn't want to faint again. I think I didn't want to faint and scare my students in the process. I think I didn't want to not be able to do this. My students and I commiserated and tried to encourage one another and then at different times throughout the day, took our turns in the bloodmobile. Some were turned away because they'd traveled too recently to certain countries (fear of Mad Cow Disease and such) or they were running a slight temperature or something. So when I headed into the bus for my appointment, a small part of me thought, "Well, if I can't give because of some reason, at least I tried." And I have to admit, a part of me was hoping I'd get turned down for some reason. No such luck...or maybe all the luck.
After being grilled about everything from my weight to any possible interactions with drug dealers, my finger was pricked, it was determined that I'm not anemic, and I was sent out to a comfy looking reclining chair to get hooked up. Gillian was the nurse who helped me and she was AWESOME.
Luckily, being 35 gets you a little credibility in this world and when I told her about my last experience she said, "Well, that was a long time ago (thank you Gillian for reminding me of my age!) but we're going to take some preventative measures just in case." I'd already seen two students pass out so I'm guessing the last thing they wanted on their hands...or on the floor...was a fainting teacher. She hooked me up with a lemon-lime Gatorade (yummy...high fructose corn syrup and all!) to sip on throughout the procedure. Then she kicked the chair back so I was almost horizontal, and she covered my arm with a towel so I couldn't see anything. All good stuff. But perhaps the most important piece was that she stuck me in just the right place on the first time...go Gillian! She commented that my veins were really easy to spot, "You are well-hydrated...I could have hit that one from across the bus with a dart. Anyone who ever has trouble finding your veins needs to be sent back to nursing school." Way to make me feel good, Gillian!
About 7 minutes later I was in the "waiting area" finishing my Gatorade and munching on a Fig Newton feeling great. And not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I was super happy to have had a successful experience for a couple of reasons: 1) it means I can do it again in the future...especially if there's a need and 2) I'd looked a fear dead-on in the face and conquered it...a really long-standing fear. I'm not sure which made me feel better but I was giddy all afternoon.
Honestly, I think if I'd fainted again, I would have been okay with that only because I would have known that I gave it another try. And that was really what the joy was about I think - not letting a fear hold me back. I know for a lot of people, this is a silly fear to have, that it's not that big of a deal. Certainly not worth a whole blog post! But for a lot of reasons, for me, it was a big deal...or I had let it become a big deal in my mind. Good reminder for me that sometimes my demons are larger in my head than they are in real life.
So I guess at the end of the day this post is more about overcoming fears than it is about giving blood...neither of which are unique to me or particularly heroic. But I never claimed to be a hero anyway...just an ordinary human with silly fears that she can sometimes work through.
By the way, if you're O+, A+, B+, or AB+...we're a match!
(Well, I can give to you. And I'd do so in a nano-second!!)
P.S. Thanks to my two students, my colleague, and Jim Opre for inspiring me to do this...

breathing

So I was the only person at yoga today. Which was sort of cool. Got to work on lower back/pelvis release stuff in addition to the good old hip releasing poses. And Deralyn took the time to stop and correct my form for almost every pose which was AWESOME.
But she started off the practice sharing that she'd been spending a lot of time in her own practice thinking about BREATHING.
So I tried to focus on my breathing for the next hour.
And I realized that it's something I absolutely take for granted and, quite frankly, never think about. Obviously, it's vital to our being. And, really, I ought to be more aware. I'm out of breath a lot!
I experience day to day how good a full breath of air feels. In the middle of a swim workout when I've done a flip turn and can't wait to re-surface to catch a breath of air. When my breathing is free and easy on a run...or when I stop at the top of a big hill that I've pushed myself up and have to catch my breath. When I'm on the bike and I get out of aero for a moment in order to give my chest more space to expand with a breath.
Or when I stop and take a deep breath in my life as a moment to pause, regroup, calm down, and prepare to keep going.
Some benefits of breathing...other than to keep living!
1- strengthens your respiratory and immune systems
2 - reduces stress
3 - brings greater alertness to the body and brain
4 - promotes healing (emotionally, physically, and psychologically)
5- brings you back to the present moment
6 - helps you think clearly and act truthfully
7 - trains the brain how to let go with each exhale (from www.yogaeverywhere.com)
Such a simple thing. Such big rewards. Everyone, deep breath now. There, the world seems a little better, doesn't it?

Happy Valentine's Day!

"What is a loving heart? A loving heart is sensitive to the whole of life, to all persons; a loving heart doesn't harden itself to any person or any thing." ~Anthony de Mello

Feel like today was a day full of a loving heart...and not just because it's Valentine's Day. I actually don't really see the point of Valentine's Day. Don't we want to live this way every day?
Morning started with a great run...thanks, Logan and T3 teammates. Followed by a delicious brunch with dear friends...thank you, Ketners, Kimberly, and John. Then on to get some work done...thank you, College Board, for giving me loads of paperwork to file. (Okay, that one is stretching it!) And then drinks with friends plus phone calls to mom and Gran plus emails and texts between other family and friends plus cooking (cookies pictured here were baked earlier in the week). The backdrop for this day was a brilliant blue sky once the morning clouds burned off...and even some warmth...before another cold front blew in.
To all those near and dear to me (you know who you are!), know that you are near and dear to me each and every day. Big love and big hugs! XOXO

pennybacker bridge epiphany

I'm not sure whether it was the sun that was finally beating down on my back, the knowledge that Lost Creek was only about 5 miles away (on the other side of the hills of 360!!), or the realization that I still had enough juice in me to finish up this ride strong...but right about as I hit the Pennybacker Bridge on my way back from Parmer to Lost Creek off of 360, I had a little epiphany. Okay, a big epiphany. So big I almost said it out loud...or maybe I did. No one would have heard because there was no one else around. Jess and Denis were a ways ahead of me on 360 (within eyesight but not earshot) and Rhonda and Erin were somewhere behind me. So all by myself nearing the end of a 40-mile ride that started in the foggy, gray temperatures of the upper 30s and was ending with some sun in the low 40s, I has this thought: "I love riding my bike."
I know, for some of you, this is no big deal. You've loved riding your bike for a long time. But for me, it was only last year that I started liking my time on the bike. To move from being "in like" to being "in love" with riding my bike is a big step...and it happened rather quickly...and it took me by surprise...maybe since it's Valentine's Day weekend and all, love is in the air?!
(Check in with me next week to see if I'm still in love...)

friday quotation

Live vicariously...through yourself.

Saw this on a shop window here in Austin and LOVED it.

things I learned today (or re-learned today)

WARNING: this is a completely random post

1. When it's 37 degrees out and the humidity is just right, Barton Springs CAN actually feel warm-ish. However, IF the water is turned off in the showers, you will in all likelihood come close to freezing either waiting for the water to come back on or on the drive home. And you might stay cold all day as a result...brrrr.... Still, wouldn't trade swimming through the morning mist at Barton Springs with only one or two others in the pool for all of the goosebumps on my body today.
2. Pyrex measuring cups sure do make my life easier when cooking...thanks, Mom!!!
3. Glass food storage containers that you can reheat your food in really are awesome...they mean you don't have to use another dish and you can protect yourself from all of those bad things that seep from the plastic containers into your food and then into your body if you are too lazy to transfer your food to another dish to heat it. (Yes, I'm TOTALLY guilty of doing that.)
4. Our bodies are amazing. Amazingly complicated. Amazingly resilient. Amazingly fragile. Amazingly strong. Giving thanks that my amazing body is putting up with my training...and that my Achilles tendon ache hasn't sent me back into aqua jogging mode! But seeing more hip openers in my future...bring on pigeon, lizard, and happy baby!
5. I'm a total softie when it comes to sentimental TV programs...like the CNN Heroes show and the upcoming Winter Olympics will bring me to tears. And the Heroes show today both inspired me and made me feel like an under-achiever! I'm sure that the Olympics will do the same...we'll see starting tomorrow. YAY!
5. My students crack me up! Today's laugh from them came when they were talking about Valentine's Day and some of them were calling it "Single Awareness Day"...too funny!
6. I really do love my job...
7. ...and even in a job that I love, certain things can really get under my skin. Today - people (not my colleagues...who are wonderful) making assumptions about my time and that I would be willing/able to rearrange things to suit their schedules. I might. But I'd rather be asked than have it assumed.
8. But nearly everything can be solved by a good workout...for me...on most days. Got to the PTC all agitated from work stuff and within about 15 minutes I was out of my little funk, laughing, and enjoying myself again. LOVE THAT!
9. I need to get a little more assertive with my upstairs neighbors...the bass past 10 p.m. is getting to be a little old. And I'm a really good sleeper!
10. Sometimes someone else needs my gloves more than I do.
11. I met someone this past weekend that reminded me of where I was 5-10 years ago and it felt good not to be back there...once again, very glad to be in my 30s!!

yoga Monday...on Wednesday...again

(I actually started this on Monday but it took me two days to post it...life is a little busy.)
Yoga today was all about being present...about discovering our authentic selves...and ultimately about being fully tuned in. Tuned into ourselves. Tuned into our hearts. Tuned into others around us. Tuned into their hearts. Tuned into the ways in which our lives overlap and the ways in which we impact one another's worlds even when we have no clue that we are.
Funny that it was about connecting - to our practice, to ourselves, to those around us, to the world...to whatever you can imagine...because I'd been thinking a lot about how we interact with nature, people, cultures, etc... around us. And maybe I was thinking about this because I'd just seen Avatar and was pre-occupied with the themes of interaction, learning another culture, accepting others into your culture, learning how to trust, learning to respect one another, and ultimately embracing one another. The most powerful level of connection...pure acceptance...of the good along with the bad, of the lovely and the unlovely, of the lovable and the very unlovable parts. Avatar also had a strong message of what happens when we act like we are entitled things that others have...it's not pretty. But then connections are made and ultimately, they win.
I'm not going to say any more for fear of "spoiling" the ending of a movie that most everyone else saw eons ago! Suffice to say that connections might save us all in the end. Not the sort of "I know someone who can help you..." connections but the heart connections. A little trickier. A little messier. But so much sweeter and more powerful.

training update

So, I figured it was about time to write a little update now that I'm nearly 1 month into Ironman CDA 2010 training! (Didn't want you to think that I wasn't taking the training seriously the second time around...)
I am most definitely taking training seriously. Honestly, out of both respect for this Ironman distance, the race itself, the other athletes out there, and my desire to be as prepared as possible, I'm not sure how I couldn't take it seriously. But the second time around, I am able to not take myself so seriously in it.
I had a different attitude going into this training season and I have slightly different goals (although some of them remain the same as last year).
Some of my pre-season thinking:
1 - I went into it just as excited as last year...well, a different type of excited but still excited. I LOVE TRAINING. I know, I'm a dork. Anyway, the excitement this time was because I remembered how much fun I had last year during training and I was looking forward to experiencing that again. And I was also excited to go into the training with one more year of triathlons under my belt. I'm pretty much 100% an experiential learner so, for me, it's a totally different thing to get out there and know that I can complete "x" number of miles or a certain number of practices in a given week because I've already done it rather than just believing blindly that I can do it - like I did last year! Obviously, a little bit of faith can go a long way, but still, there's something reassuring about doing this a second time around. That being said, this "repeat performance" has its challenges, too...see point #2.
2 - I was curious how it would feel to do be doing these distances again. Did I like last year so much because each weekend brought me a new PR and a new accomplishment since I always seemed to be riding and running distances that were previously unknown to me? Was it going to be a different sort of challenge knowing how difficult some distances/workouts/training weekends are? (In a way...ignorance is bliss when it comes to come things in training!) I wasn't sure what it would all feel like in round 2 of IM training. I figured it would be a good test of whether I really liked this stuff or whether it was the novelty of it that I liked. (This question is answered later...)
3 - I knew I'd be training with a new group of people and that many of them wouldn't be my paces; and, in all honesty, this made me a bit anxious. Some early season injuries set Amy back some and so I wasn't sure who I would run with or bike with. Luckily, Amy's been able to keep up with the biking, but I've been running with some different folks...and some of the same folks...OPRE!!! It's been a good thing for me to learn to run with other people. Otherwise, I get into my little comfort zone, and our group settles into individual roles and we forget to switch it up too much. My training buddies from last year were truly my touchstones and the foundation that I stood on going into each long training weekend and all of the practices in between. I wouldn't have gotten through training without them! Amy and Jim are still around...thankfully... even though they are training for different races. Laura, Blythe, and Liz aren't around like they used to be, and while I miss them, the empty space they left behind when they left has miraculously been filled by new training partners. Mostly Jess for the run...and we're still running with Jim. It really has been a nice surprise for me to be running with Jess and Jim. Makes me feel like there's still a chance of me having a decent run at CDA! They both have more miles of experience so I'm enjoying learning from them. And, well, they are consistent, encouraging, and just darn good company and training buddies. I feel really lucky.
4 - days off and not over-training...I really wanted to work in a day off this time around and thanks to some changes in the T3 schedule, I've been able to do that. I think it's good for me both mentally and physically...and socially as it gives me some flexibility. And I've promised myself not to over-train, to stick to the plan, to be okay with not being at every spin/run/swim that I can possibly be at. This feels good so far although I'm learning that it's in my nature to over-do it. I know, you are shocked!
5 - goals...ahhh...goals.... I feel this desire to set them - and this resistance to setting them all the same. Goals are a double-edged sword for me. If I don't set them, I feel like I haven't really pushed myself and I've just gone through the motions (which is not all together a bad thing either!). But if I do set them, then I risk not reaching them and feeling like I've failed in some way. Especially this second time around. If last time really was about finishing and proving to myself that I could do this Ironman thing, then what would this time be about? I actually spent a lot of time thinking about that before training started. Here's what I came up with:
- I wanted this to continue being fun...meeting this goal so far!
- I wanted to approach each practice and give it 100% (even if that 100% was only whatever 80% I had left in me). Last year I was uncertain of how my body would recover and of how I would handle this sort of training. So while I definitely worked hard at each practice, I usually held back a little knowing that I had another workout in less than 12 hours. This time, I want to give it my all. Note: that does NOT mean killing myself at each practice. It does mean pushing myself a little further than I think I can go at each practice. So far, this feels really good and I think it's making me stronger - if in no other way, stronger in pushing through pain...which I'll need on June 27.
- I wanted to think more about nutrition and how it relates to my performance. An early season meeting with Meredith seems to have been really helpful in my tweaking my diet some...more protein, consistent recovery drinks, thinking about when I eat what, etc... I feel really good, and it's been fun to switch up my diet some. Of course, those Junior Mints at the movie yesterday were not on my nutrition plan but a girl's got to splurge every once in a while! (At least it wasn't a box of Thin Mints!!!)
- Finally, I will eventually set some time goals for CDA. I know one already...beat my time from last year!
So, checking in at week #4, training and life are good. Really good. I'm thankful to be doing this again; I'm thankful for all of the support that my friends, teammates, coaches, and family offer me; and I'm thankful for the resources and the health to pursue IM #2. Onward and upward...hoping to remain injury-free (this time last year I was aqua jogging...currently hoping a "twinge" in my lower leg doesn't lead me back there but know I'll be okay if it does!). Excited to be running a little faster and stronger (except that Jess and I have made a pact not to try to set PRs on each long run...it's more about the miles...) and excited to be perhaps 1 mph faster on the bike than I was this time last year. I know, that doesn't sound like a lot...but it is. At least mentally if not physically.
And Ironman is, if nothing else, a HUGE mental game. That I love to play.

friday quotation

Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good.
~Minor Myers, Jr.

What good to do today? The possibilities are endless...time to get to it!

everything happens for a reason

I really believe that.
Even when it's something awful, I have to believe that there is a silver lining, a lesson that had to be learned that way, some strength to be gained...even if I don't see it, I have to believe it. I'm not sure how you get through tough stuff otherwise.
But even in the more insignificant things, I think they happen for a reason. Like on Tuesday when I slept right through my alarm. No memory of hitting snooze. No memory of turning it off. Only the memory of waking up at 5:30 a.m. (instead of 4:45 a.m.) a little startled and bummed that there was no way to get to Lost Creek for 5:45 a.m. swim practice. Ugh. Lucky for me (well, for all of us who live in Austin), there are LOTS of pools that are open at that hour that are free...and some that are heated!
So I headed over to one of my old stomping grounds, Stacy Pool. It was a little bit like going back in time because when I first got into swimming again, I used to go to Stacy every day - usually after work - and do some made-up swim workout. There are only a few lanes set aside for lap swimmers but in the early mornings, the lap swimmers can pretty much take over the pool since there aren't many kids playing with fun noodles in the "free swim" side of the pool! It felt oddly familiar and sort of like "going home" again to be swimming at Stacy.
The pool is heated so the steam was rising from it and I lucked out and ended up with a lane to myself...for the entire time! The pool is an odd length (33 and 1/3 per length or something?) and at first I tried to do that math, but my mental math skills are not their sharpest at 6 a.m. (or ever, really!)...so I decided to call every 4 lengths a 100 like we normally would. That being said, I got a nice long workout. That I sort of made up. Like old times. Warm-up + the main set three times through @ 80%, then 85%, then 90%: 300 swim, 300 pull, 300 with fins - mixing in some kicking + a cool down. Seemed like a good way to spend an hour in the pool!
But the swim was not the "silver lining" part of my time at Stacy. I got to see my friend Martha who I used to swim with in the mornings at Stacy when I switched up my schedule. She's a wonderful person and it was nice to re-connect with her and see how she's doing. And I also got to have one of those sort of rare encounters in the changing room with a perfect stranger.
I'm not sure what struck me first - the smell of cigarettes that was pouring from her or the fact that her bag was about 1/3 the size of mine...and it had pretty much everything she owned in it. Pause. I looked at my bag stuffed to the gills with an extra pair of this and an extra pair of that and some extra pre-workout nutrition, etc... and suddenly felt very small. Or maybe too big. Anyway, she asked to borrow some shampoo and soap which was a no-brainer...of course she could. I asked if she needed anything else and she said she had all she needed...and then she paused. And continued.
"I just had a shower here with hot water, and there's even a heat lamp to keep us warm while we get dressed. And I had a dry place to sleep last night. Now, I'm gonna go find some coffee." And with that, she loaded her stuff into her bag and started to walk out. I stopped her just long enough to ask if she wanted my shampoo and soap to take with her and she said, "Thank you, sweetie, but they are too heavy to carry. If you're here next time though I'll use some again if that's okay." I said, "Of course it would be okay. Have a good day. I hope you stay warm and dry." And with that, she was gone. I'm not really sure where she was going. Someplace with coffee, I hope.
That encounter totally changed my morning and sent my emotions and thoughts in a million directions. I felt grateful for all that I have (from my warm bed to the roof over my head...from hot cups of coffee every day to enough food to have an "extra" nutrition stash....from a hot shower every day to a huge network of friends and family...from my job to my hobbies...the list goes on...). And I also felt a little guilty for all that I have. Not because I think I'm extravagant - although I have WAY more than I need. I know that and I try to be mindful of that and generous with my abundance although I think I'm always falling short in that area. But it's a funny thing to think, "Why her and not me?" when I have an encounter like I did in the changing room at Stacy. I think I'll spend the rest of my life asking that question and wrestling with both the answer and what to do with it. But for today, I'm sort of glad that I slept through my alarm on Tuesday...guess it was meant to be.
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HUNTER!!! XOXO

yoga Monday

Do you ever have those moments when you're listening to a song, a sermon, a speech, even just someone talking and you feel as if whatever is being said is being directed right at you? I can remember those moments even as a little girl. Especially in church. I would sit in the pew and try to disappear into the cushion that was holding me up thinking, "How did he know that about me?" Or sometimes a teacher would explain something that had been puzzling me but I hadn't said anything. I would think, "She really does know everything. She can even read my mind." Or I would hear a song on the radio and think it was written just for me for whatever relationship I was in (or not in!), for whatever emotion I was feeling, for whatever words I needed to hear.
Well, I still have those moments. And I would say I get to experience them at least once a week (but usually much more) in yoga class when Deralyn offers an intention or reads something to us. Today's intention - resistance. Well, actually, letting go of resistance, I guess.
Again a quotation from Melody Beattie that left me thinking about it long after our final savasana:

What are you resisting most?
Be open to the whole journey, all parts of it.
Is there a feeling, a person, a thought, a project that you have been avoiding? Is there some part of your life that you're refusing to deal with or open up to? Is there something you're resisting, something that makes you stubbornly say no? Ignore the voice that says, This is how I decided it will be, so I will close off to that part; I will not consider it. That is the voice of resistance.
Be open to everything. Your most valuable lessons may well come from the things you're resisting most.


Yep. One of those sitting in the church pew, teacher is talking only to me, song was written just for me right now moments as I felt my head nodding to nearly each suggestion that the quotation made. Seriously. How did Deralyn know? Of course, she didn't really know. And maybe that's the coolest part of it all...I'm not the only one that feels this way. Stuff like this becomes part of books and songs and sermons because it's a universal human feeling. Today, it just happened to strike a particularly sensitive chord in my heart. On to being more open to everything and to giving in to what I'm resisting most. I have to say that makes me excited and scared. Maybe mostly scared.