friday quotation

I am...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what defines people. Is it the people around them? Is it what they do? Or maybe what they don't do? Is it what they say? Is it what they believe? Is it how they treat a perfect stranger? And a best friend? Is is what people around them define them as?
I used to teach a class called "Identity and Community" and we usually spent the earlier months of class looking inward at the self, in an attempt to define ourselves. We would complete the sentence "I am..." and it was always interesting to see just how many of the ways we defined ourselves were connected to what we did or our relationships with others.

I am a daughter, granddaughter, step-daughter, half-sister, cousin, niece...
I am a college counselor.
I am a swimmer.
I am a triathlete.
I am a student.

You get the picture.

And then there was always another layer of "I am..." statements that delved a little further into our actual being.

The last "I am..." statement that I wrote was about four years ago (can't believe it's been that long since I taught that class!). I pulled it back out the other day because I have been thinking a lot about who I am lately. Funny that a lot of it still applies today. Funny the things that are missing from it...and some things that are on it that I would perhaps delete today...or at least edit. At any rate, I think it's time to re-write my "I am..." statement as I restructure my free time, balance my life a little more between work-play-exercise (see, I can't even call it training! still figuring that out...), re-focus on things that I've lost touch with, remind myself of what it really is that makes my heart beat and make sure that those things are in my life, and ultimately just PAUSE and re-frame. I think it's good to do this every once in a while. Because even though I feel like everything is still moving at a crazy fast speed and the hours are very full, my life is actually less structured than it has been in about four years and there's something that's both terrifying and wonderful about that!
It's frightening to not have a completely clear direction...and exciting at the same time. I'm growing more at peace with the not knowing, with the openness that not having a road map allows, and with the possibilities that might be around the next turn.
And in the meantime, the things "I am..." that I am certain of and that remain the same make me smile because after all, I am...

...a friend. And one who cares. And one who loves. And one who listens.
...one who forgives. And one who has been forgiven.
...slow to answer yet quick to cry. Strong yet sensitive. Curious yet scared.
...one to whom people turn. And one who does not always understand why.
...passionate and shy. Active and calm. Both a leader and a follower.
...the peacekeeper and the pleaser, sometimes at my own expense.
...one who prefers a gathering of friends in my home to a large crowd at a concert.
...wanting to know others and be known by them, but sometimes frightened by the idea of it all.
...one who dreamed of fitting in with the "cool" crowd, realized she never could, and ultimately became okay with that!
...appreciative of warm smiles and small tokens of kindness.
...a believe that a little love can go a long way in this world.
...one who thought she would be in a different place right now but who is utterly grateful for what she has.
...the responsible one.
...a hard worker who sometimes works herself too hard.
...a runner because it is good for me.
...a swimmer because it makes me feel good.
...a lover of summer rainstorms with bright lightening and crsip autumn days that tease of the winter ahead.
...a believer in second chances and new beginnings.
...more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt than in a formal dress.
...one who would rather hit the open trail than the streets of New York City.
...a cherisher of written messages from those who care for me.
...one who strives to be healthy but has at times taken it too far.
...the creator of dreams of sunrise hikes with cool mountain lakes waiting at the end.
...patient and quiet...especially with others.
...comforted by a fleece and a mug of coffeee on a lazy weekend morning.
...known by my friends for falling asleep in the middle of movies but for waking up at the end.
...non-judgmental.
...not one who speeds on the road but one who sometimes wants to speed up her life.
...not one to let go of friends easily but one who needs time to build those friendships.
...a lover of a good book where the author paints pictures with words.
...one who can be mesmerized by sunsets or the ocean surf or a field pusling with fireflies.
...a planner who wishes she were more spontaneous because it looks like more fun.

And a few more things...to be written at a later date...

friday farmshare

Lots of stuff that I don't know what to do with...turnips...chard...time to crack open the cookbooks!

where did my intention go?!

Every yoga practice we're asked to choose an intention. And usually one comes to me pretty clearly. I either feel like I need to focus on being present or letting go of something or form or breathing or something. Today: NOTHING. Literally, a total blank. Maybe that was actually an intention in and of itself - a chance to take a break, to start with a clean slate, to not worry about my intention but to just be... It was a tad unnerving. But the class was still good. And maybe that's another life lesson. I don't always have to have an intention. Even in living a purposeful life, not every moment has to be purposeful - or at least the purpose doesn't have to be obvious to me. Sometimes just being and flowing is what I need to do...and after about an hour of it, it started to feel more comfortable.
Funny, as I tried to connect this with my life, I found parallels all over the place. I have few to no real intentions when it comes to my training these days. And while sometimes that is unsettling, it's also really nice to be able to workout as the spirit moves me. And I'm excited about what that extra time will allow me to do and who it will allow me to be. And in work, I have my lists of plans and intentions but they are rarely fulfilled and I decided that I could either get completely worked up and stressed about (and I have! and probably still will!) or I could let it go a little. Still work to get my "to do" list done but also cut myself some slack in some areas...let go of the intentions so to speak. It's a really tough thing for me to so but I'm working on it. And maybe, just maybe, there will come a moment like in yoga class today where my life and mind take over and there is simply no intention to be had. And I guess when that happens, you just live. I like the thought of that.

friday quotation

Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown - even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to.
~Paulo Coehlo

zen swim...and a little more

Monday and my time at Barton Springs feels like a very long time ago...and it's only Wednesday. But it's the second half of the bookend that started last Wednesday with the college fair that I help coordinate and culminated with PSAT/Essay Editing Day today. With so much in between that it would have been a tight squeeze to put anything else between those two events. Relieved. Grateful that everything went well. And looking forward to getting some more sleep sometime soon.
The good news is that in the midst of it all I was able to keep in my life the things that I love. Perhaps not enough of them. But some bit of them to remind me that I'm more than my work, which I was beginning to doubt.
I started my week off with my favorite "zen swim" at Barton Springs (and, as you might remember, found myself there 4 times last week!). And while I was there, swimming in the quiet waters, watching the dark night slip away and be replaced by the dawn, I realized that this is one of my "happy places" in Austin...perhaps on earth. There's just something about it. The waters are calming - but water always has been for me. The way that I feel when I'm swimming makes me think for a moment that I'm graceful and strong and in control. And the connection I feel to the earth and the world around me is at once very powerful and very distant...like I'm deep in our water-covered planet and also in some other underwater universe.
Anyway, I had plenty of time to get lost in my thoughts since I decided to do a longer swim there (8 laps on Monday morning). And one of the chapters of my thoughts was about the project that a student of mine is doing and invited me to be part of. It's going to highlight people's passions. It's a "photo essay relating loosely to the theme of individuals making the world a better place by doing what they love to do." She also writes that she is "particularly drawn to how our choice of activities shapes our identity - for ourselves and for others." She asked some of us from school for permission to snap our photograph while we are doing what we love.
Flattered. Humbled. Embarrassed. Yes. All of those things. But I said yes - hopefully she will touch up the photos! So inevitably, my mind has ventured down the "and just what do you love?" path. And then, when you figure that out, just how does it make the world a better place? Or does it? And how does it shape my identity? Or does it?
Well, let me tell you that once you go through those questions, you're pretty much convinced that there's nothing to photograph except for a face of a puzzled you.
But I said, "yes" - I really do find my students difficult to turn down...but I'm also intrigued by this project. I think it's neat and thoughtful and genuine. All things I admire and aspire to be.
But I'm finding that I really have no idea what she will photograph me doing. I'm curious to see what she's thinking of for me. But I'm also trying to think of things myself. There's being with friends. My job. Talking to family on the phone (and hearing Gran say, "hi, love!"). Swimming. Eating snocones. Baking. Listening to music and podcasts. Reading. Bringing a smile to other people's faces. Yoga. And swimming at Barton Springs and showering there and the smiley, very pleasant-except-when-she's-fussing-at-us woman there who Amy thinks I'm destined to be...
And then it occurred to me that maybe my passion could be swimming...and that the picture could be in BSP (head shot only, of course!)... And I was liking this. Except for I'm not sure how it improves the lives of anyone in this planet except mine!
I do know that I got to swim on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday this week and I'll go again this Friday and that in this off season, it seems to be the thing I keep coming back to. That and yoga. And that on Tuesday night I tackled side crow in yoga class. Zoe, our teacher, kept saying, "Let the air flow through you. What could you do if it was just about breathing? You could maybe do side crow." I'm thinking, "I could maybe get one foot off the floor..." And then that became both feet. And suddenly I was doing a modified version of crow. Take that you bird pose! I was doing side crow. And it felt empowering and exhilarating. And while I would like to claim yoga as my passion...I haven't spent enough time with it yet. Water. Swimming. Those are things that are lifelong pals for me. I think maybe they will be part of this photography project. Unless you have other ideas for me?

friday farmshare

"We lose our souls if we lose the experience of the forest, the butterflies, the song of the birds, if we can't see the stars at night." ~Thomas Berry

default workout

So, I've ended up at Barton Springs every morning. Mostly because of late nights of working that have made getting up for 5:45 a.m. practices unthinkable. Correction. I think about it the night before and have the best plans to get up and then the alarm goes off or I don't hear the alarm and it's really just not an option! And oddly enough, contrary to the usual ETG style, I'm okay with it. Which is a good sign that I'm taking this off-season thing seriously. And I've discovered my default mode: Barton Springs Pool. Yep. I'm 4-for-4 this week with swimming there in the a.m. Alternating between shorter swims and a longer swim. Sometimes with paddles and pull buoy. Sometimes just swimming. Never with a wetsuit (recently). And I am happy, happy, happy when I get to start my day that way. I'd head there tomorrow, too, but with the Austin City Limits Music Festival starting up and parking diverted to another, less convenient lot, I'm going to skip it on Friday morning. Too bad. The mornings have been BEAUTIFUL at BSP. Mist hovering over the water. Watching the sunrise after a lap or two in the dark. Starting in the charcoal gray water that becomes a green-blue that is much more inviting and certainly warmer. Okay, it's not really warmer. And it doesn't change color. But it feels warmer as the sun brightens it up! Happy days starting with the springs and a "camp" shower...even if it takes my toes 45 minutes to warm up after. (Two colleagues came into my office this morning and said, "What are you baking in here?" It took me a minute for me to get it but I then responded, "Oh, I'm not baking. I'm defrosting. Let's talk after you've been swimming in BSP!")

from yoga Monday to zen swim

Yes...that is what Mondays have become for me since yoga has now moved to Thursday. One of my teammates used to tease me about getting in some extra meters/yards at the end of each workout and I told him it was my "zen swim" time b/c I didn't think about anything (breathing, form, speed, etc...) I just did what I love to do...I swam. And this morning I got to do the same thing at Barton Springs on a chilly, fall morning with the mist hovering over the water and the sun making its way into the world while I saw away. Very few people there. Just the regulars and a few aqua joggers. And the peacefulness of the springs. And a swim there without a wetsuit. Okay, I'll admit it, the initial shock is quite intense but once I swim a 400 or 800 I'm used to it and it feels really nice to not be squeezed into neoprene while I swim. I can feel the water against my skin and I feel like I'm floating. Maybe not as much as I'm floating with a wetsuit! But floating through the water much more freely than if I were trying to be some long-lost neoprene-clad cousin of a seal. Besides, the long distance swims I want to do cannot be done with a wetsuit (according to the rules) so I need to get used to this!
I thought I was going to miss "yoga Mondays" but if I get to replace it with this, then it will be okay. There is something thought-provoking and wonderful about both places...and especially the springs as the weather gets colder, the crowds thin out, and the water feels warmer.
P.S. If I'm 80+ and still swimming in the springs, please let me be the lady with the flowers on her swimcap who jumps off the diving board...please, please, please!
P.P.S. My day ended with water, too...on the floor of my condo...from the folks up above me. Thank goodness for wood and tile floors and beach towels galore. But what a mess. New-found appreciation for anyone who's ever been flooded before. And now to bed...in hopes that I don't wish I'd slept with goggles on!

have I mentioned...

...that my mom is an amazing card picker-outer?! She's a great gift giver, too...hands down the best in the family. We've taken a vote and it was unanimous. But I like her cards the best. This one arrived this past week. Simply the best! Thanks, Mom. The words will make me work to live up to the message. Love you.
P.S. Little plug for this card company - Positively Green. Makes it tough to make a bad choice when it comes to cards! (Got one from Amy on my b'day and immediately took to looking for the cards for everyone else's b'day!)

friday quotation

Peace comes from living in the moment and looking for the good in others. Peacefulness comes from facing our fears and letting them go - trusting that things will turn out all right.

This quotation seems to reflect where my heart is right now...and it feels good. (Now to find the same peace with my workload!)