friday quotation

Never allow yourself to become one of those people who, when they are old, tell you how they missed their chance.
~ Claire Ortega

hanging on to things AND yoga Monday

No, I am not the next person who is going to be on the TV show "Hoarders" - or at least I don't think so! Maybe my friends have something they want to tell me?!
But a few weeks ago, I wondered if I needed a little intervention in my life. I tackled a project I'd been putting off for too long...cleaning my closet(s). The result - about 5 bags of stuff to go to Goodwill. And still probably way too much stuff still here in my house, but it's a start. In my defense, I was a careless bag packer. I could have been more efficient with the bags. I did not fold clothes; I didn't bundle up the many shoes that I had lived on the floor of my closet for way too long. And I had LOTS of sweaters that I'd been hanging on to since college...umm...that was in Virginia...a few handfuls of years ago. One word for them - BULKY. (It was a tad colder there than it is in Texas in case you didn't know...you don't really NEED all of those sweaters if you're hanging on to yours.)
Anyway, I could have MAYBE condensed the piles to 3 or 4 bags, but a round 5 (because things are better when divisible by 5...right Katy?!) was the number that got loaded into my car to go to Goodwill. It felt awesome. And it really didn't take too long. And it wasn't as painful as I had imagined it would be. As suspected, the most difficult thing to get rid of were the articles of clothing that held some sentimental value - mostly t-shirts from events or that I bought in a place that I visited. And I held on to some of those. But, honestly, someone in Austin will get better use of them than I will. They sit year after year on a shelf in my closet wondering if they are ever going to be worn again...perhaps dreading that they might end up as a rag in my dust rag bucket or as part of a t-shirt quilt. (Nothing against those, but I just don't really think I'll ever have one made out of my t-shirts.)
Somehow clearing my closet also left a little extra space in my mind...to think. To think about what I hang on to and what I can let go of. In both the literal and figurative sense. That was a little over a week ago. And then just this Monday, a song was playing as I walked into yoga and it was all about letting go...which brought me back to its opposite - hanging on to things. Yes, a very "zen", "yin and yang" balance moment.
There are things that I want to hang on to - sweet memories, dreams, special gifts from people, loved ones themselves, moments in my life, objects given to me by loved ones, a letter or email from a dear friend or family member, a book that speaks to me as if the author had me in mind when s/he was writing it...to name only a few things. And there are also things that I might not want to part with because they are familiar and comfortable, but that I should get rid of. For example: that thing that someone else really could be using; the thing that doesn't let me move forward relationally, professionally, personally, emotionally, athletically, medically...whatever it is, (we all have an obstacle somewhere in our lives); those words that echo in my mind and bring me down or undermine who I am or hold me back...again, to name just a few things...the things that weigh me down and clutter my house, my life, my mind, and my soul. It's so freeing and so scary to let go of these things. You never know the ways in which you'll miss them...you never know what is going to come in and take over that space.
I suspect I'll tackle another closet or shelf or drawer (goodness knows, I still have plenty of "stuff" around!) before I figure out this less tangible part of letting go, but it's been quite a journey since the clearing out process started. I came across this great quotation last week, too, that really spoke to me - "things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. Getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place." (Paulo Coehlo) And with that, let the cobweb removal continue, let the house cleaning continue, let the mind/heart/soul-clearing continue...and to think it all started with me just needing to sort through a bunch of old sweatshirts?!

friday quotation

Here is a test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
~Richard Bach

yoga on Monday...but thoughts created on Sunday

I did go to yoga this morning. And Amy and Jerry were there and that was a treat. And I was tight and sore in all sorts of random places...and damn those hip-opening exercises. Ugh. BUT the nicest surprise was that I actually felt refreshed. Not my usual, "What, I actually have to get off my back and move in class?" feeling. I have no doubt that my weekend had something to do with it.
Although there wasn't a lot of downtime in New Orleans...Gran keeps us busy (with all sorts of wonderful things that we LOVE doing for her...but I did get AWESOME sleep each night. We're talking 9-10 hours friends. For three nights in a row. Nice. I might be a convert :)
But the weekend was just one of those "good for the soul" weekends. Gran and I laughed. We came close to tears, but she actually didn't cry this time when I left which was a huge blessing. I can't handle it when she cries. I giggled each time she talked about the Cube and how much she liked it. I had a few "tough love" conversations with her trying to convince her that it was okay if she didn't finish every "to do" list each day. (She's going to work at being a little more of a 93 year-old rebel!) And I got to work on my grandfather's war journal (more about that later) a lot, get some questions answered, and see just how much he loved Gran. It's pretty amazing to me.
At any rate, Gran sent me an email today to thank me. So unnecessary. So Gran. Oh, and if other parts of it sound familiar because you know me, all I can say is that perhaps some of who I am I come by quite naturally!

Dearest Elizabeth,
I really enjoyed your visit and it perked me up. Get discouraged over how little I can do and how much I want to do.
Thanks for all the work on the book. Think it will be appreciated by a lot of people. At least, it will be a record of a wonderful man who cared about us all.
I feel like "My Cup Runneth Over" when I look at my freezer. Thanks so much for the freezer food. Will enjoy it. Today for lunch I ate the last of the chicken salad. I love it.
My therapist came today at 11 and said I am doing great. She will call tomorrow to let me know when she will be here Wednesday. My blood pressure was 123/55 and my pulse 65. My blood pressure seems to vary a lot but all is within range so no problem.
I assume you took Chris' pyrex container. Thanks for putting something in it and getting it to her.
I know I will love The Help. Everyone seems to have read it.
Jack called yesterday late. We will go out Thursday night.
Thanks for caring for me. I do appreciate it.
Lots of love,
Gran

Tough as it was to leave Gran, it was also very sweet to come home. To a rainbow in the sky as I drove away from the Austin airport. To yoga. To my Monday morning Whole Foods coffee routine (complete with time to sit with Amy and a Jess sighting!). To my friends and colleagues at work. To seeing Praveeta in her new place - looks SO good and I'm SO happy for her. To helping random men by lending them my jumper cables. To my first run practice back since CDA...and I didn't die! To all of these wonderful reminders that Austin is home. Gran may be in New Orleans. Mom may be in California. Dad and co. may be in North Carolina. But Austin feels like home to me. And there's something very comforting about that. (Now to get back on this sleep thing...)
P.S. Happy birthday, Blythe! Miss you!!

latest reason...

...why you don't want me to get you a rental car:No offense to any Cube drivers but this is not exactly what I was expecting when I asked for a standard car (or a compact car...can't remember which).
And to add to the humor...just what every car needs on its dashboard:Guess Nissan thought this added that "je ne sais quoi" quality to the car.
"Je ne sais quoi" is right...quite literally "I don't know what would have ever possessed a designer to add this to a car?!" I have four days with it to figure it out.

it's on...

...the nutrition challenge that is.
Jess and Chrissie came up with this great idea of a 3 month program "to help you reach your individual nutrition and wellness goals in a supportive team environment." LOVE the idea. We're not challenging each other. We're challenging ourselves...and we're using one another as support. The cool thing is that we will all have slightly different goals - at least I'm pretty sure of that - but we all struggle with some similar things. Or at least I assume we do given the questions that people asked at our first meeting on Monday night. From beer to cheese to chocolate, we've all got our temptations. We all want to be social creatures and not be ruled by our food/drink choices. Yet we all care about our bodies and we know that given what we do (all our training) that we need to take care of our bodies. We have to pay attention to what we eat if we want to perform with any "success" (not defining that in terms of race times...more in terms of surviving training day in and day out!), we generally know our bodies well, and we pretty much know what we should be doing...now to make sure that we're doing it.
Monday night was our first meeting and I'm super excited! Of course, having Jess as our "nutrition guru" and Chrissie as her (self-described) "helper" means that we have a dynamic duo leading the way. In even this initial meeting, I picked up a thing or two that I didn't have a clue about. And Jess has already given me some personal feedback that will let me get started ASAP. Like today...because the challenge runs July 12-October 2 (well, really July 13 if we want to start on the date we had feedback). I know this won't be easy. But when have I been one to go the easy route when it comes to...well, just about anything? And as Gran said about me in the middle of the marathon when Chris called to update her, "My granddaughter does not quit." She's right. I might slow down. I might question myself. I might take a detour. I might get frustrated. But I don't quit. And I won't quit this either.
Even though I know it's going to be tough to get some of my numbers to budge (why does seeing those numbers ALWAYS make me gulp a little?!).
I don't have major, major things to change. And I guess that is something to be grateful for. On the other hand, I don't have major, major things to change because I'm pretty disciplined about this food stuff already. So it's a little daunting to think about being even MORE careful and disciplined. But I can do it. I'm sure of it. And when I'm not, I'll just call Gran and she'll remind me that her granddaughter does not quit.
(P.S. Also very excited about the people who will be by my side through this journey these next 3 months and already looking forward to our weekly meetings...even though I have to miss the first one!)

yoga Monday

Sleeping in on Saturday followed by a trip to the Farmers Market and Costco (slightly different worlds...and in a wonderful way I feel at ease in both of them!) and an afternoon full of friends, cleaning, and baking. Volunteering at the Couples Tri on Sunday followed by more cleaning, laundry, and cooking. Result of the weekend: feeling refreshed and rejuvenated by sleep, a VERY clean closet (finally...this project was LONG overdue and resulted in an embarrassing number of bags going to Goodwill), some yummy food, a happy heart from time with friends, and being inspired by people at Couples.
How do you top that?
YOGA first thing on Monday. And the message for today - "leave your expectations at the door". Um yeah. For yoga. For people. For ourselves. This is a delicate balance. How do you have high standards for yourself, for your relationships, for the work that you do, for how you live your life, for the world that we live in...and yet not go into all of those situations with expectations. Expectations that make you force something onto a situation so that your expectations are met. Expectations that are sometimes unrealistic and therefore leave you disappointed. Expectations that are ridiculous and unfair to place on anyone or anything.
A long time ago with some people I really love in my life I switched from having expectations to having hope. Hope that I would be able to have the sort of relationship with them that I was meant to have. Hope that we might not continue to disappoint one another. Hope that things might get better. This doesn't mean that I stopped working and lived on hope. But it did mean that I was less disappointed because I wasn't painting unrealistic expectations on the relationships. I was more able to accept these wonderful people for who they are instead of being disappointed about who they are not.
This morning's class and the message from it was a good reminder of that lesson to leave my expectations at the door and that doing that doesn't mean lowering my standards or letting go of my hope, but it does take the judgment out of things and that feels good.

and, just a little run...

...that I was super excited for...and enjoyed until about mile 7 (which is a long way from 26.2 if you're doing the math)!
But again, I'm getting ahead of myself.
By the time I hit the run it was mid-afternoon and just around 80 degrees, which for some unknown reason felt like about 90. Not sure whether it was that we weren't sweating that much (no humidity) or because the course has very little shade or if I'd gotten much warmer on the bike than I realized or if my fever had come back, or, or... I really don't know. But I know I wasn't alone in feeling hot, and as soon as I could, I was pouring water on my head and shoving ice into my jog bra.
I reminded myself not to push the first couple of miles too much. I wanted to pace myself well so that I could finish strong. I remembered practicing the art of the negative split all season. (Note: I was never super at it but I sort of figured it out and figured that I could give it another go today.) And I remembered Chrissie's words to me in our pre-race meeting..."keep a steady pace so you have something to give at the end. If you finish the run well, I think you'll feel good about your race."
Quick pit stop after I made the first turn-around and then a funny exchange with a guy who said, "Oh, it's you. Are you going to pass me on the run like you did on every hill on that bike course?" I laughed, "Ha! It's still very early...we'll just have to see." And then he took off. And I let him go. Easy does it.
Run through town and I was actually feeling good. A little sluggish but I thought that was just me adjusting to the heat, being on the run, and feeling the 112 miles of the bike ride (and the 2.4 mile swim). I saw Jim and Chrissie and gave them a big hello. I think I shouted something to Chrissie like, "I'm close to being on pace." And she responded, "You're fine. Just keep running." And I did...except for the water stops. This year I was doing all liquid nutrition on the run so I knew that I had to get water from each water stop. This was okay. But it also meant that I had to walk through the water stops because I am not that great at running and drinking. Not a big deal. It also let me get any needed ice and get a spray from any hoses being offered to cool us down. Gosh, I was still hot. Weird.
I was keeping a pretty good clip until I hit the lakeshore. By that time I'd seen Jeremiah, Joe, Brad, and Jess...and I was wondering where Dustin was when he suddenly appeared from behind me. I was thoroughly confused. I knew he'd gotten off his bike before me; evidently he'd had a nice long T2 time. He said something about keeping a 10:45 pace and I said I was trying but that I was feeling "it". I'm not sure what "it" was. The 121 some odd miles I'd already covered that day? The heat? The lack of energy? The fever I'd battled all week? Actually, a more accurate description would have been that I wasn't feeling "it" (that "it" being that great feeling that you get when you're accomplishing something big...or even just the feeling of having a good run or being able to hold onto a run)! But I just kept going. Amy B. came up from behind me, too, and as much as I wanted to run her pace and finish this race with her (we had joked about this before the race) I could tell it wasn't happening for me today. I told her to get after it - she looked so strong - and off she went (all the way to an AMAZING time and PR...SO proud of you, Amy!). At the turn-around on top of the hill (which I ran up both times this year, thank you very much!), I decided maybe I should take in a gel to see if that would help my lack of energy/zip because my liquid nutrition wasn't doing a darn thing for me. And I was about ready to chunk my hand-held bottle because it felt like it weighed at least 20 pounds. But I hung onto it and kept with my water routine. (Note to self: come up with an alternate plan next time around...no hand-helds unless they are very small!) I'm not sure why it was bugging me so much. I'd trained with it but today for some reason it was the last thing I wanted to be dealing with. I didn't so much mind the nutrition that was in it; I just didn't want to have anything that heavy in my hands.
Plodded my way back into town, waiting for the gel to kick in, and never quite feeling anything from it. I was trying to figure out what I could do for myself. How I could remedy this lack of any energy to give to the run? My legs felt okay but it was as if someone had unplugged my motor. Did I need more water? More salt? More food? More ice? I honestly couldn't figure it out - but pondering it helped me pass 3+ miles! When I saw Chrissie and Jim going back through town they didn't even have to ask how I was, my face said it all. I admitted that I didn't know what was going on but that I had nothing left. Chrissie gently and wisely said words that I clung to as if they were sacred, "Just keep running. It might turn around." (Honestly, it never occurred to me that the run might turn around...or that I might be able to turn it around. A sign that I was pretty low - in all respects - as that's not my usual attitude!) And sweet Jim offered to sing me a show tune, but I knew I needed more than that! (Note to self: in the future, NEVER turn down a show tune!)
Another swing out and back, wishing there was some magic potion in my special needs bag but knowing that there wasn't; so I passed it up and headed back through town. Saw Steve, Natasha, and Dustin's family down by the lake and that was a little pick-me-up. And heading back through town I did start to feel a little more in control of this situation. Don't get me wrong, I really had not figured out what to do for myself (was I ever feeling like a rookie!), but I was feeling like I could at least press on even if I never felt any better. And I was starting to be able to give myself a little pep talk about times and what they meant and didn't mean and about how great my swim and bike had been and how if I'd nailed 2/3 of this race today then that was something...and that I was still going to finish in the daylight and ahead of last year and that had been my ultimate goal so I wasn't going totally let myself down and all was okay...and that JUST doing an IM and finishing is HUGE. Or at least I think the dialogue went something like that!
When I saw Jim the second time through town he ran up to me and said, "You look different. You've got this under control." Hmmm...maybe I did. I didn't have 13-13:15 hours under control but I had under 14 hours under control and I was still making forward progress. He also told me that Amy said she was screaming her head off for me...thank you, Amy...I heard you. Chrissie was my next sighting and she said, "Hey, you're still running...keep it up. One more loop. You can do this." And I have to tell you that somehow at that point on the course, anyone whom I trusted could have told me anything and I would have believed them! Saw Jeremiah, Joe (with his dad), Jess, Brad, and Amy heading back into town. I was envious! I wanted to be heading back into town but instead I had the lakeshore and that one last hill to tackle. But I saw the amazing T3 signs again (care of Catharine Madeley...THANK YOU, Catharine!) as I went out one last time and they lifted me up enough to get me out to the lake. I was also inspired to keep going because I'd promised Michelle mile 17-18.3, and I knew I had to run at least that much for her! I knew that she would never know if I ran them or not but I would know and it would weigh on me if I didn't. That last loop out there felt like a death march even though it was the home of great aid stations and the Ford Inspiration Station. Took my second gel. No luck. Saw Dustin again on the big hill and thought I might be able to catch up with him, but by the time I was on the descent he was no where to be found. Geez. He'd taken off! I tried to do the same and think I did pick it up a little but not that much. And then at mile 21 or so I spied what looked like manna from heaven. POTATO CHIPS.
Okay, you need to understand something about me. I don't really care about potato chips. Yow know the "bet you can't eat just one" slogan? Well, I always thought, "bet I CAN just eat one"! Unless the potato chips are salt and vinegar potato chips (YUM!), I'd much rather eat pretzels or tortilla chips. So for me to think that potato chips were the best thing on the planet was saying something. (I'm meeting with Meredith to discover just what that craving was saying...something about salt and grease and fat and real food is my guess! But I was in the middle of an Ironman...not trying to deal with a hangover!) I wanted to dive into the aluminum pan of chips head first, but since I'd never experimented with them on the run I decided I could only have 1 per aid station. Yeah. Don't ask. See what rationale you apply to things at mile 21 of a 26.2 mile run that comes on the heels of a 2.4 mile swim and a 112 mile bike ride!
This was also the time when I met the woman who was about to get pulled off the course (see earlier blog post) and between her and the potato chips, I suddenly thought I might actually finish this darn thing. I wasn't in exactly the spirits that I wanted to be in...which meant that when I smelled the alcohol on the spectators at the the drunken street/house party and when one of them rushed out to give me a hug I didn't have a lot of patience for it! (In hindsight, it's hysterical!) But somewhere around mile 23, I decided to adopt a more upbeat attitude (if it killed me...I was pretty sure it wouldn't kill me!) and that it was just time to finish this thing. As I approached the aid station at mile 24, a volunteer asked me if he could take anything from me. Without a moment of hesitation I said, "Yes. You can have my electrolytes and my hand-held bottle." He sort of raised his eyebrows and I responded, "I just want to run...without anything holding me back or weighing me down." I'm sure he thought, "Lady, these two things don't weigh that much", but he just smiled and said, "Well, then go run and finish this Ironman." And that's exactly what I did.
I wish I'd hit my watch to see my splits for those that 2.2 miles because I bet the paces would be closer in line to what I'd wanted to hold the entire time. (And mile 25 was for Erin so I know that had some extra spunk to it!) There were small hills between Sherman Avenue and me but they didn't stop me. And as I heard the sweet words, "Finishers to the left" my eyes started filling with tears. I was almost there.
As I rounded the corner from the library up 7th Street and to Sherman I saw Jim Opre. Okay, real tears now. He smiled and said, "They are all down there waiting for you. Congratulations, Ironman." Really, no one as kind as Jim should be allowed to do that to you! I took one glimpse at the scene and then one glimpse at my watch - 13:26. No time to waste waving at the crowds (not really my style anyway!). I had some work to do to make sure that I beat 13:30. So I found some clear road to run on, maneuvered around a few dudes who were walking, and finished in great stride. (Although I need to work on my finish line pose...I looked much too serious!)
Relief. Disappointment. Happiness. Awe. Excitement. All of those things would have accurately described how I felt. Oh, and WIPED OUT.
The finish line volunteers were awesome. Two took care of me, helped me get my picture, showed me where the med tent was (they apparently show everyone...I didn't know this though so I asked if I needed it. They confirmed that I didn't!). And then I heard Jess's voice. Sweet. "Hey! Congrats! Let's get a picture. Can we get a picture?" The photographer agreed if we did it quickly (I remember thinking, "Ummm...I'm not doing a whole lot quickly right now, Mr. Photographer!"). So we got a quick picture...honestly, one of my favorites EVER from a race (will post at a later date!)...and I walked out, medal around my neck, bottle of water already gone, big smile on my face, and ready to congratulate my other teammates and friends.
Jess and I regrouped and chatted with Dustin B. some. Saw Dustin S. who was waiting for Erin. Tried to gauge when Cheryl, Marisa, and Erin might come in...changed into dry, warm clothes...grabbed pizza for Jess and a Coke for me...and then wandered back to where Jess and Dustin were. Chrissie and Jim - sherpas extraordinaire - reappeared and I had big hugs for each of them. They were AMAZING. All over that race course, keeping track of us, and only on 1 cup of coffee each (I later found out)!
Happily saw Erin, Marisa, and Cheryl cross the finish line and then made my way back to the house with Chrissie. We chatted a little about the race on our way. She knew I hadn't made my goal time, but she also reminded me of what a great race I'd had and about how much I'd overcome...and that it was still a nice PR, wasn't it? Yes. A 37 minute PR. And, yes, I'd worked my way through and around, over and above lots of mental (and physical) stuff. I was, as I knew, a different athlete than I was last year. I was also a different athlete than I'd been at 7:00 a.m. that morning. I might not have had 13-13:15 hours in me that day but I had more than I knew.
After a warm shower and some pizza, Jim, Dustin, Nicole, and I wandered back to the finish line because I (at least) really wanted to see the final finishers. I didn't make it back last year and I'd been regretting that for a year. Time to remedy that. WOW. I was perhaps more emotional down there a few minutes before the magical 17-hour mark struck than I was when I crossed the finish line. Two people came in around 16:56 and that was it. One man had missed the cut-off by 4 minutes last year so it was really cool that he finished this year. And since there were no other folks who would finish within 5-10 minutes of 17 hours, we did a countdown and shut the finish line down. It felt eerily sad. I wonder if the couple of people still out on the course finished. And I wondered what I would do in their shoes. Finish and run down Sherman Avenue to a silent finish line with a clock marking your time - or rather displaying that too much time had passed? Or just sit on the curb and wait for someone to come and pick you up not wanting to face the empty finish line scene? That's a tough one. I felt grateful that wasn't my dilemma that day.
Walking back to the house we were all a little quiet, and the streets of CDA were quiet, too. Collapsing into bed that night all sorts of surreal thoughts were swimming through my mind. I actually think I'm still processing it all.
More post-race thoughts later (I'll warn you before those posts, too!), but here's what I have made sense of: I left it all on the course in CDA that day. Even if I didn't have 100% to give at all times, I gave 100% of what I had. And I left some goals for next time. As Gran's friend Knox used to say when she was visiting a new country, "You don't want to see EVERYTHING the first time around; you want to have something to bring you back again." And that's how I viewed this. I did/saw so much of what I wanted to do/see...but I left something undone for another race. And that made me smile. And keeps me smiling.
Final thought for this last race report post...hugs and thanks to anyone who was a part of this. There are too many of you to list, but please know that they medal that hangs here in Austin is yours to share, too. And that when things got tough out there and I questioned how much any of it mattered to me, I remembered you. And I knew that it mattered to me that I finished for you. Big love and sincere gratitude flowing out to you...

"we now interrupt our usual programming..."

Because today is Gran's 93rd birthday, and, well, that just seems a little more important to me than finishing up a race report!
Three years ago when we celebrated Gran's 90th birthday with a festive birthday bash down in the French Quarter (apparently you don't get too old for the French Quarter!), I gave her a shadow box full of momentos of her life - a pressed daisy (because she loves them best of all flowers), a pink foam curler (because she goes to the beauty parlor more than anyone I know), a stamp (because she always gives me stamps at Christmas), an Ole Miss sticker (because she was Miss Ole Miss and grew up in Laurel), etc... She loves that silly little shadow box that's packed with a bunch of stickers and remembrances and lots of love. But I think what she loved more was the message that went with it. So on your birthday, Gran, I'll re-send it to you (I've just updated the years!).

Perhaps when I'm 93...
I will understand your secrets of friendship and family
I will possess the grace and style that have always been your trademarks
I will have lived a life as rich as the one you've created for yourself
My mind will be as sharp and inquisitive as yours
I will still be blessed with an enthusiasm for life like yours
I'll still be drinking wine, taking bubble baths, and enjoying life the way that you do
I will know the wisdom that is yours when it comes to letting things go and refusing to give in
I will have a granddaughter to love as much as you've loved me - unconditionally, unselfishly, and steadfastly
Perhaps when I'm 93...
I will have the right words to tell you how much I love you.

I have been so blessed to have you as my Gran and to know your love. Happy, happy birthday, Gran...and here's to many more!

just a little bike...

...of 112 miles. That's all. On a course I remembered well from last year - except for that someone amazingly pounded down a few of the hills for me this year (or at least I remembered them being MUCH steeper last year). Don't get me wrong, that course in CDA still has some killer hills...but they felt more manageable this year!
But I'm getting ahead of myself...you don't hit the main hills in CDA until you head out of town and before you do that you do a "city loop" that takes you out to Higgins Point and then back through town and out Government Way. All decked out in race wheels (for the first time ever...so much for not trying something new on race day!), I was ready to roll. It was a gorgeous day - sunny, warm - and I was excited to see the hills outside of the city and the views of the lake on a bright day. Hopped on my bike and started planning the ride - first things first, water and then some minutes later start in on nutrition. Like I'd been doing it all my life, I reached down to take a sip of water only to discover my first little oops of the day. Somehow, I'd put my aerobottle on backwards. I actually knew exactly how. The day before, I'd put the aerobottle on without the straw so that no one would mess with and/or take the straw off the bottle (that wouldn't be a real easy thing to deal with on race day). And on race morning when I put the straw in I must not have noticed that the straw was at the wrong side of the aerobottle. Quick thought that I could try to switch it while I was riding...but I still had my senses and decided that could end in no good way. Since I could actually reach the straw, or reach the straw back to me, I decided that I'd just wait until my first pit stop and make the change then. No big deal. I had hills to conquer!
Got my bearings a little on that first loop as I started seeing T3 people - first Jeremiah and Joe who were ahead of me (as planned) and then as I looped back around the turnaround I saw Jess and Amy B, Jennifer, Dustin, and Marisa. And then I heard a familiar voice behind me, "You must have had a kick ass swim!" It was Brad. I was startled to see him; he should have been in front of me. I replied, "Oh, hey! Well, I got kicked in the eyes twice and I got pissed off so maybe I did have a good swim. Now get going, you're supposed to be up ahead of me." And with that, he was off. Didn't see Erin that first loop and I got a little worried but I saw her on the second loop and knew that everything was okay. (Later learned that Brad had had a faster swim than I had but had had a much longer T1...something we all laughed about later!)
Pedaled my way into the hills, tummy a little off but still able to take in my nutrition and water, and loving the smooth ride of Liz's race wheels (Liz, I owe you...big time!). The support on the bike course is just awesome in CDA. Even far out in the hills there are signs all over the place and people cheering their heads off. This year was no different than last in that way. But one thing that seemed different this year was the number of folks who cheered extra loud for the women on the course. I guess there weren't too many of us so people were extra excited to see us. Made me feel awesome...and a little sad for the boys. But only a little sad.
Jess caught me on the backside of that first loop...YAY. Things were playing out as planned. She was having an amazing ride...and I wasn't doing so shabby myself. The only thing that worried me was that I hadn't made a pit stop yet. I kept wondering if I needed to but I didn't. So I kept riding. And I rode back into town. And I saw Chrissie and Jim and I think my smile said it all but just in case Chrissie wasn't sure, I yelled out, "I'm right on pace...my fast pace!" She beamed back, "I know...keep going." Did I look like I was stopping?
Had fun on the second loop, too. Legs felt strong. SO much stronger than last year. Finally made a pit stop but decided not to switch the aerobottle around - after all, I was already over 1/2 way through the bike and I didn't want to lose too much time. Got passed by Dustin at my pit stop. I knew that was going to happen! Oh, well, it was okay, I was still having a super ride for me. Kept about the same distance between Jennifer, Marisa, and Amy as on the first loop so we all seemed to be holding our own. Think I fell off of the faster group a little more but that was okay by me. I did laugh that every time I saw Joe or Jeremiah the other one was either right behind or just ahead. I almost yelled, "Hey, you two, no drafting!" But I didn't want to get them in trouble. So I just kept pedaling, pedaling, pedaling...past the cows, leap frogging with a woman from team Timex who didn't appreciate my chipper attitude as much as I hoped she would, past the oddly clad guys on the top of the hill (Viking hats and Speedos), past the older dude and his wife who I think were feeling the highs of the day as much as we were (except for that they weren't racing), and all the way back into town.
Quick glance at my bike computer...what?! Could I have really been within a few minutes of my fast goal?! Indeed. Indeed. Big smile. And then it was time to hand over my bike - but only after collecting my note from Jess from the Bento box. I knew I'd need it on the run.

T2: just about as uneventful as T1...but I had some help this time! Quick swap of the bike shoes for running shoes. Helmet for a visor. Grabbed my handheld bottle for nutrition (little did I know how quickly I'd want to pitch it!). Made sure I stuffed my "emergency" Carb-booms in my pockets (I ended up using both of them...yes, this is a preview of my run!). Salt tabs - check. Stop for sunscreen on the way out - check (after all, my back had pretty much been a solar panel for just under 7 hours...about 20 minutes faster than last year!). And then I was off...only 26.2 miles left. HA!

just a little swim...

...in some cold, turbulent water. But you get over that. Well, as soon as you get out of the swim you get over that!
Quick recap of last year's swim - choppy, choppy, choppy...my first IM swim and NOTHING prepares you for that...my "moment" about 2 minutes into the swim when I popped up out of the water and had to give myself a stern talking to convincing myself I could do it...and then being SO grateful to be finished.
This year's swim - not as choppy but still MAYHEM on the first lap due to 2,000 + people all trying to crowd into what becomes a rather small water space. I eventually found my way and even recall swimming normal strokes for some part of that first stretch out. Until I got to the turn buoy. YIKES. Same chaos as last year - it actually felt worse to me this year. And then we turned DIRECTLY into the sun. Seriously, if it hadn't been for the kayakers yelling "Go right" I would have had no idea where I was. I was just hoping I was to the left of wherever they were! I followed the sea of (mostly red - boy) caps to the next buoy only to find the same chaos. This time someone actually yelled "Everyone just calm down and let the water pull you around!" And sure enough, if you did that it was like an eddy in a river and you get swept around. The issue is that everyone needs to do it! But once you round that buoy you're helped by the current and the stretch back to shore was a bit like body surfing. A nice reward. Goggles had been punched pretty hard - once in each eye (I was actually expecting a black eye!) - but no fogging issues at all. Thanks, Brad, for the tip! Quick jog on the beach where I saw Marisa which helped me know I must be having an okay swim because she's just a tad faster in the water...and then it was back in for round two.
This is a slightly tough thing about a two loop swim course. You're so relieved to have survived the first loop, you get teased by a quick run on land, and then you have to dive in and do it all again. But I also knew that the second loop was likely to be better than the first. And it was. I actually swam (1-2-3 breathing to both sides and all!) the whole way. And the turn buoys were better because everyone had spread out a little. But I did have to question the position of the helicopter...really...right above us, creating more waves on the water...I know it's for safety or media or something but honestly, we don't need any other disturbances in there. A pod of human seals quite enough.
Second loop felt much faster than the first although in hindsight they were about the same.
Ran out of the water...quick glance at the clock (SHOCKED to see that I'd made the outer edge of my goal time...woot...keep it going, ETG!)...and then I started the wetsuit peel. It's important to get the upper half off BEFORE you hit the wetsuit strippers so that they can yank the bottom half off and send you on your way. Located an empty pair of strippers and said, "I'm coming to you!" and plopped myself down. "Super fast...good job!", they cried as I ran off, wetsuit in hand, past my T1 bag and then back to it, heard Chrissie and Jim - I think I said "hi", and then into the changing tent.

T1: rather uneventful...it's much easier when you're not doing a full change like I did last year (thank goodness for sunny, warmer weather...although I was cursing it a little at the end of the day!). And it's a good thing I didn't need to do much because the volunteers were all busy with other people. Which was fine. I'd been spoiled last year; I was a "veteran"; and it was actually sort of nice to sit there and not have to worry about answering questions, even when the volunteers were just trying to help. Saw Jennifer in the tent and said hi to her and then handed my bag off to a volunteer who had just become free. She apologized for me having to "fend for myself" and I just smiled and said, "No problem. Thanks for taking this now and for being here." Turned down gummy bears on my way out of the tent (next time I'm taking some!) and ran across the basketball course and into transition to find my bike. Spotted it easily and made my way to the bike mount line nearly 4 minutes faster than last year. Nice...but made me think that I'm not so slow at full clothes changes either!

Enough of my internal dialogue, huh? Let's get on with the show...

The days leading up to the race were a wonderful blend of activity and downtime. I actually needed both, physically and mentally. The light workouts got us ready for the water temps and the weather and kept our bodies primed for race day. And the downtime helped keep our bodies rested for race day...and helped me try to keep the cold/fever combo that did not stay in TX as ordered at bay. (Actually, I'm fairly certain that I ran a low-grade fever nearly every day for some part of the day leading up to the race...which is not exactly ideal...but the race gods smiled down on me and I was fever-free on race day!) We picked up bikes, dropped off bikes and bags, ate well, laughed a lot, drove the bike course, rode part of the bike course, packed and unpacked bags, made plans for race day...and eventually went to bed on race day eve. Thank goodness Chrissie was around to keep our workouts in order and help calm our nerves. And when Jim showed up on the scene, we got even calmer. It's amazing what a few triathletes who are not racing can do to make things better for those who are racing. Jim and Chrissie helped us organize, double check, and carry bags...they answered wardrobe questions...they spoke in gentle, reassuring tones and made sure we were still breathing.
On race day morning, our house woke up just a little before 4:00 a.m. and started our individual race day prep routines. Bagel with almond butter in bed for me as I checked emails, re-listened to voicemails from the night before, and looked over both notes of encouragement and my race goals. A little coffee...another 1/2 a bagel...and LOTS of water + 1 Emergen-C and some Cold Snap just in case Mr. Cold decided to rear his ugly head. Around 5:15 a.m., with morning clothes and special needs bags in tow, we headed over to the race site. Dustin, Erin, and Brad came over to our house to walk over with us. It felt good and comforting to have the gang together and our little parade over to the race site must have been quite a sight. I think my favorite part was Chrissie with her rolling bag in which our bike pumps and morning clothes bags would be stowed! That's some awesome sherpa-ing right there. Bodymarking was our first "must do" for race day. I was clever and when I put on my compression socks that morning I forgot that I would need to show them a calf for body marking. Not a problem. I quickly took off one sock and then proceeded to walk around until I put my wetsuit on with only one sock. I'm sure that was intimidating to the other women in my age group! Next stop - our bikes and bags. Pump up the tires...add necessary items to our Bento boxes...find little notes from Jess ("trust your training...trust yourself") that would be carried with me all day...drop off morning clothes bags...add nutrition to run bag...drink water...find Amy B for a quick hug...lose teammates...re-unite with teammates...and eventually regroup in time to put wetsuits on. This is really an exercise in and of itself. It is not quick. You really need someone to help you make sure it's pulled up, pulled out, tucked away, and generally suctioned to your body in just the right ways. Enter Chrissie! Thankfully she was there to tug, stretch, pull, and give the final seal of approval to the wetsuit fittings of the day. After what seemed like an hour, we were a happily clad bunch of neoprene seals sipping on our water and opening our gel packs for some last minute carb hits before heading down to the beach. The good news about these moments is that I am usually still a little bit giddy about the race. That is to say that the "what the &*(#@! am I doing?" thought hasn't really crossed my mind yet. But that generally changes right about now. At this moment, we say good-bye to our awesome sherpas and head down to the beach...which is a bit of a shuffle with a couple of our thousand closest neoprene-clad friends. The T3ers pretty much stuck together which felt good. Jess and I in all of our 5' + not a lot-height were leading the way which made us giggle. But once on the beach we reassembled in a more reasonable fashion with the boys up front and the girls a step or two behind them. It was now time to contemplate the swim...

prologue to a race report...

Feel free to ignore my blog over the next few days if you'd rather not relive my experiences on June 27, 2010 in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho! But I'm going to try to piece together a day that was the culmination of 6 months of training, endless hours of happiness, some moments of exhaustion and frustration, never ceasing support from family and friends and teammates and coaches, buckets of wisdom from teammates and coaches (and friends and family, too), and a chance to see just what I'm made of when I'm pushed to the limit physically. The point at which for me this thing called Ironman also becomes a mental and spiritual experience, too.
After we arrived in CDA, I had some flashbacks to last year when I toed the line at IMCDA that gave me both confidence and anxiety. I felt like a seasoned Ironman and like the youngest rookie in the crowd at the same time. You see, each race (heck, each training session!) is so different that sometimes you wonder just what your experience buys you. Even if you've ridden the hills before, swum in those waters before, pounded that pavement before, there are so many variables in both the environment and you that each experience is distinct. And maybe that's what keeps us coming back. That and the fervent belief that it's an incredibly rewarding journey...regardless of the outcome.
But I'd be lying if I said that the outcome didn't matter to me. I honestly believed I was a better, stronger athlete than a year ago. I knew that I'd gotten faster on the bike and on the run. And I thought that without the tumultuous water in the lake that I might be able to come up with a better swim time, too. Yes, I had time goals. Yes, I had personal goals. And at the end of the day the only reason that they mattered to me was that I didn't want to let myself down. That's why I cared. I knew that other people were already proud of me so I wasn't necessarily worried about disappointing them. I was most worried about disappointing myself, about not doing my best, about not being strong enough mentally to overcome the challenges of the day, about so many things that others might laugh at. But they were my fears. And they were very real. Not in a paralyzing way but in a very humbling way.
Last year, my fear was that I might not finish. And while that is never a given in any race, especially an Ironman, that wasn't my first fear this year. I trusted that I could, because I had last year. And that was my goal last year - to finish. This year, I expected something more from myself. But I knew that this year would be completely different - because every race is. And because I was different coming to this place again.
With the physical part of the training behind me, I was left with these mental hurdles in the days before the race. This is the part of IM training that I think really makes me/us stronger. Yes, as a group we might be able to bike a greater distance than the average person but at the end of your life what does that give you. Not that much...unless you're a pro or your life depends on biking?! It's the mental fortitude that is the greatest gain in my opinion. The lessons you learn about what you can endure (physically and mentally), the lessons you learn about where your strength comes from when physically you are "done", the lessons you learn about what you really need to press on...these are the life lessons. This is why I'll keep coming back to this sport and this distance.
And, not to give anything away too early, I got a full dose of those lessons on race day. Jumped some major hurdles. Experienced some incredible things. And think I'm all the better for it...even if my splits might not have been right on cue!

yoga Monday

YAY...back to yoga Mondays...and because it was a holiday from work I could go to Deralyn's 8:00 a.m. class which meant I both got to sleep in AND have Deralyn as a teacher again. Happy day.
Such a great message this morning, too...and oddly enough, but in terms of my yoga practice not odd at all, one that I've been thinking about a lot as I process my IM last week (was it just a week ago?!) and what I learned from it in terms of my triathlon life and my life in general.
Here's some of what Deralyn shared with us from Baron Baptiste's Journey Into Power:
"Mistake 4 - Not Recognizing That the Prize Is In the Process: There are no prizes for perfect poses, no ultimate goal here. Yoga practice is a journey with no end. You'll grow and even transform along the way, but ultimately there is no arriving. When that moment of revelation hits you, it is one of the most important internal shifts... I remember realizing early on that there were no limits as to how far I could go in a pose; I knew I'd never get bored, because there was always another depth to reach. So perhaps I got into it initially because of the challenge. But I stayed with yoga and made it my focus because of the beauty of the process that yoga continues to take me through...
There are two basic mind-sets. One that involves viewing a posture as something to be achieved, a goal to complete; how far you get in the posture is what counts in your mind... Because we are so focused on performing, we potentially miss out on something magnificent. The other mind-set views the posture as a tool to explore and open the body. Instead of using the body as an ego boost, you use the posture to get to know and gain understanding of your body and mental patterns. The poses then become experiments to reveal and work through the resistances that block you so that you can ultimately move through them...
It is always best to trust the natural order of things... In China, farmers begin the process of growing bamboo by burying the root four feet under the earth. For a couple of years, they water it, fertilize it, and nurture it without seeing it or knowing if it's still alive. Then suddenly, after two years of patience and love, it shoots ninety feet into the sky within sixty days. The point is that sometimes results are barely visible, but every fraction of an inch of progress is meaningful... Let go of the ambition and embrace the patience of peeling back your layers. Just be where you are, play your edge, and the prizes will be revealed along the way. Transformation is an endless process to be lived. It cannot be captured or possessed; you can only participate in it."
Very cool to hear all of this again. A familiar message applied to yoga...and to my life. I dance a fine line between being goal-oriented and process-oriented. I want to be more of the latter...and about 85% of the time I actually am. And then that little judgmental, goal-oriented, type-A voice creeps in and throws me off. I think I need both voices to keep me going...I just need to keep them in balance!

a whole weekend of fireworks

"Fireworks" as in good news or happy moments...finished off by the real thing on the 4th of July (along with deep gratitude for all of our freedoms).

- a former student who was in a terrible accident is now out of his coma...amazing! Some precious moments with his family at the ICU.
- the continued goodness of Fisher Davis Works...and the permanent smiles on the faces of his parents, Kimberly and John. He's just precious...and healthy!
- a flexible weekend without a long run or long ride...and morning hours to SLEEP (which I took full advantage of today...yes, until 8:30 a.m. folks!)
- time to work on transcribing Granddaddy's journal from the war...such a treat to be able to do this. Learning a lot about WWII and his experience in it. Seeing a totally different side of his relationship with Gran. Gosh, he was SO in love with her. Hope I might be so lucky some day!
- time to read...ah...I've missed this. (During IM training I usually read for about 5 minutes before going to bed and then promptly fall asleep so it takes me months to get through a book!)
- an impromptu glass of wine with friends...with no morning workouts to worry about!
- way too much post-IM food (regular healthy eating resumes tomorrow...) that was SO yummy
- some serious thought given to getting a pet...a cat?! Who would have guessed?!
- and finally, today...a quick trip to Fredericksburg for peaches, a parade, and pie. Because, after all...P.S. For anyone who is wondering, there IS an IMCDA 2010 race report in me somewhere...hopefully it will be put down on blog paper this week. I just needed a little distance/perspective to get my thoughts in order...poor readers, you might have preferred my jumbled, abbreviated thoughts! I'll warn you before I post and you can skip at will!

welcome to the world...

...Fisher Davis Works - the wonderful little baby boy of my friends Kimberly and John. He's adorable, sweet, and, well, downright perfect as far as I can tell. Of course, I had the pleasure of holding him (actually while he was crying but he quieted down) for just a few moments and then left him to mom and dad...he might not be so perfect at 3 a.m. when he cries wanting more food! SO happy for Kimberly and John...what a lucky, lucky boy Fisher is - he's got two wise, loving, and devoted parents. So glad I was back from Idaho so I could see him on his first day in this world...can't wait to watch him grow up! We love you already, Fisher.

friday quotation

He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
~Muhammad Ali

I read this quotation before I left for CDA.
I honestly forgot about this quotation while I was in CDA.
Or so I thought.
Because now it's reminding me of a conversation I had with a woman on the run course. I was finishing up my last loop, grateful to be headed "home", and I asked her if she was finishing, too. She replied, "No. I still have one more loop to go. And I think I'm about to get pulled off the course." I looked at her and said, "Well, don't take yourself off the course. Wait until they come and get you." She said, "Oh, they are going to have to drag me off the course kicking and screaming." I laughed and said, "That's the spirit. You know, at least you got out here and tried." She didn't miss a beat and said, "Oh, I made it 80 more miles than I ever thought I would so I'm actually pretty happy." I paused for a minute and said, "Well, then congratulations. You know most people don't even have the courage to start. But you did, and really, you deserve a medal for that." She smiled warmly and said, "Thanks. I never thought of it that way." And with a "Good luck" I trotted off...a little more inspired to finish. In a way for her and for me.
Funny, as I write this, I think that is the point at which I was really able to pick up my pace and finish in a strong way. For her. For everyone back home. For everyone at camp and around the country who was watching for me. And, yes, for me, too. But I needed something bigger than myself at that point to finish - it was too easy to let myself off the hook in that moment, even though I knew I'd have a tough time forgiving myself if I did.
But somewhere between miles 20 and 21, that woman who probably didn't get to finish reminded me that sometimes the victory is just in having tried. Too often I (we?) don't do things because we fear that we might fail. So instead of seeing what we might be able to do (in all aspects of our lives), we don't even get started. I wonder how much I've missed in this world because I didn't take that first step. I hope I don't miss too much more...