farewell to 2011...

2011 was all about "less" - doing less, accumulating less, feeling less guilty, and so on... You might remember my post from the end of last year (although I had to refresh my memory!). And in many ways, it was a year of "less" and, as predicted, also a year of "more" since the notion of "less" gave me room for "more".
Naturally, as 2011 draws to a close, I'm looking ahead at 2012 and thinking about themes and resolutions. And the one that keeps rising to the surface is this:
More about what exactly that means to me, more about what that means to the 38 year-old me, more about what that means to the 38 year-old me as I enter 2012 in my next post. Farewell, 2011. It's been a year. It's been full and empty all at the same time, in all of the right ways. It's been monumental and ordinary all at the same time, and perhaps in the right balance. It's been full of joy and sadness all at the same time, and not just for me but for many close friends and family members. It's been confusing and absolutely clear all at the same time, which often seems to be the way that life comes into focus. So in many ways, 2011 has been a very typical year. And in other ways, it's been completely atypical. I love the messiness of that. I'm not sure I'd know how to live my life any other way. And perhaps that is a good thing because I have a feeling that re-defining myself in 2012 (or at least parts of myself) is going to create a bit of messiness!
P.S. I love the word clouds that NPR creates from time to time. Here's the one for 2011, What It's Been A Good Year For.

friday quotation

"Everything that makes more of you than you have ever been, even in your best hours, is right. Every intensification is good."
~Rainer Marie Rilke

YES(terday)

No...that is not me doing some new modeling gig. I wish. Not really about the modeling, but for the body! Anyway...
I did get to look at the message on the front of the tank top during my yoga class yesterday. I went to my second yoga class at Breath and Body and Desirae (the owner and teacher of this particular class), was sporting this top. What a great message. And how appropriate for my day. I came back from New Orleans, where I had a lovely holiday with mom and Gran - lots of movie watching, meal prepping, walks and runs in the park, too much rich but delicious food - on Tuesday. I really wanted (needed?) one day in Austin without a single thing on the calendar. No appointments. No "must do"s. Not even any scheduled lunches or breakfasts or fun things. Just a day to say YES to whatever struck my fancy. And that is exactly what I got. SO thankful for it.
I answered my body's request for extra sleep...and then rewarded it with yoga, a run, and two walks with friends. A glorious celebration of the tail end of a cold and a glorious winter day. Days like yesterday are part of why we live in Austin. 30s-40s in the morning...mid-60s by the afternoon...BRIGHT sunshine...a crisp evening...the world felt very alive. Perhaps it was because I was able to be open to everything. I know not every day can be like that in that literally I was able to say "yes" to nearly every fun request that was tossed my way. Sleep in? YES! Morning run by the lake? YES! Yoga? YES! Coffee with a friend? YES! An afternoon walk with another friend? YES! And an evening walk with another? YES! A movie and some downtime on my couch as the sky faded to dark? YES! Lovely, lovely, lovely...
As I said, I won't be able to always say YES! to so many things in one day...but maybe if my mantra for each day is that it's going to be a YES! day then other things will follow. (I know, saying 'yes' is in some ways not my problem...I say it far more often than I say 'no' and that sometimes gets me in trouble. But I think if I remember that sometimes saying 'yes' to myself is part of the equation then I'll be open to life and open to showing up for myself, too.) So here's a big old YES to YESterday and to the idea of being a complete YES just by being and showing up in this world.

on a more positive note

Here's the mirror image of the list of "things to START doing" from the same source - Marc and Angel's blog (where the full list is posted). Here are their ideas about things to START doing for yourself. Which has me thinking about New Year's Resolutions...which I will be formulating over the next few days. And I think this year they shall be in the positive, affirmative form. Rather than "stop eating badly", for example, I would say "start eating more veggies". Or something like that. So here's a start, thanks to Marc and Angel. - start spending time with people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. (I'm 97% good at this...not to make it 100%...or pretty close to it!)
- start facing your problems head on (blech...I'm a constant WIP where this is concerned. I hate confrontation. But I'm working on it! And getting more comfortable with it!)
- start being honest with yourself about everything (it's that last little bit "about everything" that is the clincher for me!)
- start making your own happiness a priority (yet another thing I'm already working it...it involves "deleting" some age-old messages that run through my mind!)
- start being yourself, genuinely and proudly (LOVE this one!!!)
- start noticing and living in the present (it's SO easy to get caught up in rehashing or lamenting the past or fantasizing or worry about the future...more difficult to simply BE in the present. Probably much more rewarding though...)
- start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you (for me, the translation here is to make sure that you're taking enough risks to make mistakes so that you have lessons to learn)
- start being more polite to yourself (which basically means, more self-compassion)
- start creating your own happiness (enough said)
- start giving your ideas and dreams a chance (hmm...what are my current dreams?)
- start believing that you're ready for the next step (yep. So many things that will try to tell us that we're not...what if we just knew that we were?)
- start entering new relationships for the right reasons
- start forgiving yourself and others (I'm better at the latter than the former...)
- start listening to your own inner voice (which means I need to create some quiet space in my life...)
- start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks (hmmm...notice this says "take short breaks" not "go do something to relieve it". Breaks, ETG, not stress-free activities...although those might be appropriate at times.)
- start noticing the beauty of small moments
- start accepting things when they are less than perfect (especially within me!)
- start being more open about how you feel (and, for me, focus less on how I think I should feel)
- start taking full accountability for your own life
- start actively nurturing your most important relationships
- start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes (focus on what I want to happen rather than on what I don't want to happen!)

friday quotation (and Christmas weekend post)

Such a beautiful "manifesto"...or perhaps a Christmas wish for the world...to remember all of these things. It makes me feel more peaceful about the world. Which is, I suppose, a huge thing to hope for. But if we can't wish for big things at Christmas time...when something so miraculous happened so long ago...when can we wish for these things. Merry, merry...happy, happy...and all the joys of the season...that's what I'm sending out to the world. I hope the wishes reach you and yours.

right now: There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endless reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness. Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you. Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.
Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children. A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.” Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favorite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you—for free. Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals, and passes on.
The next great song is being rehearsed. Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their Heart Chakras and wrapping it around the earth. Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way. Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at. Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want—and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in its reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all “So worth the wait.” Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche—this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you. Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest. Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.
Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, that your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.
Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

~ found on the internet...I think it's known as "the encouragement manifesto"...which would be an appropriate name. I'll add a source if/when I find it!

my next list

As promised...here's another one. Sent to me by my aunt, who received it from my cousin. It is full of wisdom and 30 items, although I'm just including some of them here. For the entire list from Marc and Angel, go here. I see they've also followed up this list of things to stop doing, with a list of things to start doing...you can see where my posts might be going! But I like stopping some things before starting new things so that I can have some space in my life to tackle new ways of thinking and being and doing.
An abbreviated version of Marc and Angel's list:
- stop spending time with the wrong people
- stop running from your problems (face them head on. No, it won't be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren't supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That's not how we're made. In fact, we're made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that's the whole purpose of living - to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us unto the person we become.)
- stop lying to yourself
- stop putting your own needs on the back burner
- stop trying to be someone you're not
- stop trying to hold onto the past
- stop being scared to make a mistake
- stop berating yourself for old mistakes
- stop exclusively looking to others for happiness
- stop thinking you're not ready (nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won't feel totally comfortable at first.)
- stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons...and stop rejecting new relationships just because the old ones didn't work
- stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break
- stop overlooking the beauty of small moments
- stop trying to make things perfect
- stop following the path of least resistance
- stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't
- stop trying to be everything to everyone
- stop worrying so much
- stop focusing on what you don't want to happen

long on lists these days

Lists of presents to buy. Things to do before Christmas. Books to read over the break. Last things to do in order to leave my work life in good order. Miles to run. Gifts to wrap. Yes, those sorts of lists. But also the lists that keep appearing in my life in the form of blogs or emails. And so I think this week shall be a blog-roll of lists.
Here's the first one from a blog/website called Positively Positive:
How to Make a Life
First - take everything you've ever learned and everything you've yet to discover and place it in a box labeled "Thank you".
Second - take a picture of your face and remember that in ten years time you will be amazed at how gorgeous you were. Be amazed now.
Third - Find someplace to live. Make sure it has the ability to let light fall across the room in such a way that every so often, you'll stop and mouth the words "Ah, sunlight." Don't let the books get dusty. Open them and reread your favorite sentences.
Fourth - fall in love. Touch. More than you think. Have a child if you want one. If you don't - don't. Let your child out into the world, discovering for themselves how magical it is. Or it isn't. It's theirs to decide.
Fifth - get a job. Remember this job is not who you are.
Sixth - do yoga. Let your body discover what it's like to move without your brain holding its hand. Tell your brain to take a hike. Let your body believe fully in its own powers. Let every person you've stored inside your muscles out to breathe now and again.
Seventh - do things that make you feel good. Let your joy be contagious and spread through your home, your job, your children. Let it spread through the world like a virus, so that when you forget it, every so often, you'll catch it from someone else.

I can't claim this "manifesto"; it was written by Jennifer Pastiloff, a yoga teacher and advocate for children with special needs. She admits that the manifesto was born from a place of sadness. But I find it uplifting and a good reminder of where to re-center when I'm feeling off-kilter in some way. Which can often happen during the holidays! One thing that re-centers me is sleep...which I'm off to capture some extra winks of so that I can be fresh for yoga in the morning. My time to tell my brain to take a hike - LOVE that image! Happy week to all...

friday quotation

May you have love, kindness, and compassion for all living things.

Seems like a good wish for the season...

sleepin' in the rain

Not necessarily sleeping in. But definitely falling asleep to the sound of rain outside my window. It reminds me of camp, except for that there is no tin roof to sing me to sleep.
It has rained for nearly two days here - so needed, so welcomed. It feels cool now and like winter. And it's plain wonderful. Yoga was quiet tonight except for the sound of the rain outside of the 7th Street Studio. Sitting here in my living room the drips have turned to plops in the puddles outside and as I bundle up in my blanket, slippers, and flannel pajamas, I'm ready to turn in for the night. This last night of school. Before a nice long break. And that, too, is lovely.

looking to some wiser than I

I usually like to reserve quotations for my "friday quotation" but this list of wisdom struck me in a particular way even on day #2 of the week.
I read this on Sunday - a list of things in the Huffington Post that elders wished to pass down to the younger generation.
My reactions to this advice:
- don't choose a career for the money (you need to like it and feel rewarded by something other than a paycheck!): check!
- take care of your body: trying to do this!
- don't miss out on opportunities: working on this...this is a tough one for me as it often involves taking risks, which I'm not great at doing
- don't rush into marrying/choosing a mate (apparently I'm wiser than I thought?!)
- travel more: working on this, too...actually was daydreaming about a summer trip out west just last night...exciting!
- speak your truth: in other words, say what you feel...speak up... For the "quiet, keep-the-peace" child, this is a tough one. I'm getting more comfortable with it though.
- life moves quickly...act now. I feel like I've been hearing this message a lot lately. "Now is what matters", "live in the moment", "don't be consumed by the past or the future", etc... I do think I sometimes take for granted that there will always be another time to do something, say something, etc... and the reality is, there might not be!
- choose happiness. The end. It is a choice. Our choice. Each day. In every moment.
- worrying really doesn't do anything for you. Except for to make you more anxious...and waste your time. Why oh why does it feel like such a natural place to turn then?!
- small acts matter. Small things matter.
Yes...words from our elders (in my own words)...that make so much sense. And so many of them wrote that they wished they had learned these lessons in their 30s (which I'm quickly leaving behind!) instead of in their later years. I think everyone probably says that. But maybe, just maybe, if one or two of these things can settle in my heart, I'll be a little more wise before my time.

friday quotation

I came across this and thought it was lovely...and so I share.

May you always have...
Walls for the winds
A roof for the rain
Tea beside the fire
Laughter to cheer you
Those you love near you
And all your heart might desire.

rich from the journey

I think that Dean must be in cahoots with iTunes. (And Katie, too.) Because so often when I leave yoga (and a massage) I am introduced to a new song. Which has a message so powerful or a tune so resonating that I find my way to my computer that very day and seek it out on iTunes. Things could be worse. My music library is all the richer and varied and more meaningful thanks to the two of them.
Tonight the song was the lyrical version of the post I've been wanting to write since last week. Since St. Andrew's Day. My 16th St. Andrew's Day. Which is significant because 16 years sounds like a long time - where has it gone? But also because at St. Andrew's, on your 16th St. Andrew's Day you receive the pendant that I've posted here. A sweet, sweet symbol for me of love and friendship and my passions and my job and challenges and struggles and growth and community and, and, and...there is just so much there.
So much there that the song that Dean played at the end of yoga tonight summed it up. I am "rich from (my) journey" at St. Andrew's. I'm not going anywhere, at least not as far as I know, but I do feel like I'm looking out on some new horizon at St. Andrew's. Maybe it's because Lucy is leaving and that will take us into a new chapter as a school. Maybe it is because the college counseling office is expanding next year and so I know that will take that program to a new level...and me to a new place in terms of everything from work space to work responsibilities. Maybe I just don't know. Maybe it's just a feeling. A feeling of being rich from the journey thus far and amply supplied for the journey ahead. Thanks to Kimmie Rhodes for saying it better than I can...
"Rich from the Journey"
We stood before the waving sea
and stared at vast infinity,
and praised the life that brought us here
to take our ride upon this sphere,
for when we reach the distant shore I know we'll be returning,
rich from the journey
rich from the journey.

You never know what's up ahead.
The tempest rolls and the skies are red,
but, off into the world that waits
between tomorrow and today,
to seek our fortunes and our fates, driven by this yearning,
to be rich from the journey,
rich from the journey.

When it's time to leave the harbor of this dream
we'll have a heart that's filled with memories.

So sail away sweet soul in peace.
Hoist your sails into the breeze.
Beneath these stars so hard to read,
Godspeed the winds that carry me
and tell my friends to look for me for soon I'll be returning,
rich from the journey
rich from the journey
rich from the journey
rich from the journey.

friday quotation

"We are to be animated with a love which embraces all, of every rank and character. A love, which forgets divisions and outward distinctions, that breaks down the old partition walls and seeks a divine spark in every intelligence. Love which longs to redress the existing inequalities of society, which substitutes generous motives for force, which sees nothing degrading in labor but honors all useful occupation, and which everywhere is conscious of just claims and rights of all. Calling upon the mighty to save, not crush, the weak. And a love, which in a word, recognizes the infinite worth of every human spirit."
~ William E. Channing

friday quotation (on saturday)

You don't choose a life, you live one.
~ The Way

Such a good reminder.
I've spent the past few days being grateful for my life ('tis the season, but still a good practice and I'm grateful that as a country we set aside time to give thanks - even if we should do it more often and not just on Thanksgiving).
Maybe not all parts of it would I have chosen, but I sure am doing my best to live my life. And as I live a little longer, I realize that even the parts that I would not have chosen are there for a reason. Yes, that's a terrible cliche. But I'm starting to actually believe it rather than just say it or write it.
So here's to the life I'm living...authentically. compassionately. boldly. lovingly.
(Or at least most of these things most of the time!)

I am...

...the focus at our yoga class on Sunday night was the "..." behind the "I am..." statement. As Dean pointed out, we all have scripts in our heads. Stories that play over and over again, often without our even pressing the imaginary "play" button. Stories that seem to be on auto-pilot to start playing as soon as they are triggered. And he suggested if we could just quiet those scripts sometimes or re-write them and insert some other ending to "I am..." then whatever is to follow might just come to pass. For the rest of class, we tried it. I am strong. I am balanced. I am graceful in reverse warrior. I am steady in standing splits. I am safe. I am kind. I am loving. And so on and so forth. One that kept coming to mind for me was I am here. A constant WIP for me to be absolutely present. Even when I think I am, I am aware that some part of me is somewhere else...dreaming of another time or place...planning my next move, task, dream. I wonder what it would be like to be fully present? I wonder if I ever have been? I would like to think so. I would like to believe that if I keep telling myself, "I am here" then I really will be here or there or however you would say that.
And I love that my meditation for the evening was about storytelling and the voice that we all have within us. "Each of us has a story to tell and our own way of sharing it with the world. It comes out through our words, through our work, and through the simple actions of our daily life. Listen to the stories of the people around you. Listen with your soul. Learn to value without judging and listen with an open heart to the beauty of each story and the importance of the storyteller. Learn to value and appreciate the story you are living now. Awaken to the storyteller within and share your story with the world. Tell it with joy and flair. Commit to telling it with love and passion. Tell it through living your life, doing your work well, and creating the best life you can. Be who you are and love being that." (Journey to the Heart)
So I guess my "I am..." story would begin with "I am Elizabeth. And I am proud to be Elizabeth. And I am learning to love Elizabeth, for who she is, for where she's been, for where she's going, and for who she might become..." And the rest of that story I am continuing to create.

friday quotation

some stories don't have
a clear beginning, middle,
and end. life is not
knowing, having to change,
taking the moment and making
the best of it, without knowing
what's going to happen next.
delicious ambiguity...
~gilda radner

lessons

From yoga and from life.
Tonight's yoga class was particularly powerful. Both in the sense of how I felt and in the message I feel like I received.
As soon as we got to our mats, Dean asked us to acknowledge the lessons that we've had thus far in life. Our successes. Our failures. The good and the bad. All of those things that make us who we are and that, as Dean said, bring us one step closer to "home" - whatever "home" means to us. To me, it means being authentically who I am. It means having the courage to be that person. Wherever I am. With whomever I am with. It sounds so simple. But I find a way to make it messy. I get scared. I fear judgement. I fear rejection. I fear not measuring up. But I'm working on that. And articulating it. And trying to be bolder and less fearful in my life - in relationships, at work, in the promises I make to myself, in general. It's hard for me, I'm not going to lie. But it's good work. It's that work that just feels like it's right in your heart. Which is sort of a funny statement to make because I feel that about 99% of what I do...odd that this should be the last place that I tackle with that intention and purpose and authenticity.
I don't mean to suggest I've been a farce for all of my life! I just think that I'm more willing to listen to some areas of my heart that I conveniently tuned out. And I think I'm more confident in my own resilience to be able to open my heart in new ways. I think...we'll see. I know that I'm willing to give it a try.
And sort of like in yoga two weeks ago when I did a headstand thinking, "the worst I can do is fall over", I figure that here in this lesson, the worst that can happen is that it can be hard or I can get hurt or I can decide it's not for me. And in all of that, the lessons learned will have been worth it. I can't think of a single lesson in my life that hasn't been.
Dean also opened and closed the class with U2's MLK. WOW. How have I missed this in my life? As someone wrote, "it's still the perfect lullaby." I love the lyrics: "Sleep, sleep tonight...and may your dreams be realized. If the thundercloud passes rain, so let it rain, rain down...so let it be." So peaceful. So comforting. So powerful a reminder that our dreams may be realized and that we are just to let things be. I leave you with this for a Sunday night...sweet dreams.

friday quotation

Another tea bag inspiration...

Your head must bow to your heart.

Something for me to remember when my brain tries to lead the way... It never feels quite right that way.

I do love...

...daylight savings time. The extra hour of sleep on Sunday morning. The extra touch of daylight earlier in the morning. But most of all, I love the fact that it gets darker earlier. I am beckoned away from my desk by the dimming of the streetlamps that suggest that I should be at home rather than at work. I am energized to creep into a warm yoga room on a cool night. I know that others hate the fact that it gets dark earlier. But to me it represents cozy homes and the time to be in them. A slower pace and the time to enjoy it. Winter nights with a fire and some hot tea or cocoa and a reason to indulge in both of those things. Simple pleasures, yes. All in the turning back of a clock...

...35..36..37..38!!

I am overwhelmed with thoughts and things to write about today. I've been showered with birthday love in the form of phone calls, emails, text messages, cards, flowers, edible bouquets, gatherings with friends, and other sweet sentiments (oh, yes, and a birthday serenade from the tuba section of the UT marching band! Hilarious!). And as I round the bend to another year, my thoughts are delightfully cluttered with reflections on the past few years. I remember when turning 35 felt like a big deal. Now I can hardly remember it! 36 felt good, if for no other reason, because I like 3s and that year was 3 + 2x3. 37 was a charmed year because it's the reverse of the year in which I was born '73. And after 3s, 7s are my next favorite number. And now, 38. Which in some ways seems like a more complete number...if you look at it, 8 is literally a completion of the mirror image of a 3. And there's something delightful about that. As if it's symbolic of growing into the other half of myself. (And, it's tempting to jump ahead to 39 in my mind which will be 3 + 3x3...how exciting for someone who loves 3s!!! But I will wait because it is a whole year away...) Yes, that is how a not-very-numbers-oriented gal looks at the numbers behind her age. Not as a sign of being older (although that does happen from time to time) but as each number representing something. And what's fun over the year is that those representations keep multiplying with things I would have never known to look for in a number.
But, of course, the year is about more than the number...or the proverbial candles on the cake. It's about the moments that make up that year. Which is actually something I talked about when I delivered the faculty speech at graduation a few years ago (I was so honored). I talked about how too often we live life waiting for "the next big thing" but that really the sweetness of life is made up of all of the little moments in between. So it made me laugh this morning when I read, in one of the devotional/journal books that I read each day, the passage for November 6 (as if it's a personal message to me but also as if it's my message to the world):
"Value Each Moment: How often we wait for those grand moments of revelation, those intense times that blast us into transformation, those turning points that forever change us and our lives. Those are the dramatic moments we write about, see in movies, and long for in our lives. Yes, they are wonderful. But turning points such as those happen only a couple of times in a movie and a few times in a lifetime. Each moment of each day in our lives is a valuable turning point - an important part of our spiritual growth, an important scene in the movie of our lives. Each feeling is important: boredom, fear, hate, love, despair, excitement. Each action we take has value: an act of love, an act of healing. Each word we speak, each word we hear, each scene we allow ourselves to see, and each scenario we participate in changes us." (Journey to the Heart)
I think that perhaps birthdays can be turning points, but I need to remember that each day, each moment can be a turning point if I choose to make it so. And not a turning point that needs/includes fireworks but a turning point within myself. A dedication to being the best me that I can be. Not to expecting monumental changes but to taking advantage of the small ones and valuing those. Cherishing those. That is what the year ahead is for. (And sleep and courage and speaking my truth and asking for help and, and, and...) And that is actually what my entire day was comprised of. My typical celebration of life and health in some active way - this year that took the form of a 5K race at 1:50 a.m. so that we were running "back in time" (this is where the UT tuba folks come into play) followed by some sleep and then a 90-minute yoga class with my favorite teacher...on to Whole Foods for my favorite coffee and a little shopping...and then time at home (very precious these days) to do laundry, cook, read, catch up with friends and family on the phone...and the day ended sweetly with dinner with a wonderful group of friends. Nothing dramatic (well, except for that crazy 5K!) but all together a string of wonderful, meaningful moments. Oh, and the added bonus of an extra hour added to the day AND rain for Austin - hooray!
As for being me, well, I love this "15-second reading" by Paulo Coehlo:
Tomatoes and Melons
If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.

I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,

it’s good to cry out all your tears (because only then will you be able to smile again).

So if I'm crying at some point over the next year (which I'm sure I will!), I'm just making way for more smiles. And if I'm stopping to "smell the roses" it is just because I'm living in the moment. Which, as our yoga teacher reminded us this morning, makes us amazingly free.
Off to bed I go with a full and humble heart. And in this moment, that is just where I'm supposed to be.

where I'm from

It seems that I come from many places...and times...and people. Or at least it often feels that way to me. So many different chapters of my life. So many roads I have explored. So many attitudes that I have tried on. So many people who have come in and out of my life. And so many who have stayed. And yet there seems to be a perpetual backdrop to this all - school. Thus it seems fitting that I should write a post that I've been meaning to write for a long time. One that I was going to be titled "my two sweet schools" but that now has another title. I've actually been to more than two schools in my lifetime, but there are two that stand out to me above the rest - the one that helped the adolescent me grow up and leave home (Castilleja) and the one that helped the young adult me grow up and make a home (St. Andrew's).
I think I've always known how lucky I was to get to go to Castilleja. To have caring, concerned, passionate teachers. To be surrounded by people who (in general!) wanted to learn and who supported one another. To be in a place where we were encouraged to be our very best selves. And I know that 90% of what I do at St. Andrew's is a reflection of the goodness that was shown to me at Castilleja. The two places are so similar in so many ways that it is sort of a no-brainer that I work where I do. I guess in a way it's like I "came home" to Castilleja by working at St. Andrew's.
And just recently this point was driven home.
One of our seniors lost his mom to cancer about a month ago. And one of my Castilleja classmates lost her mom (who was also one of our teachers) to cancer about a month ago. So in both the Castilleja chapel and the St. Andrew's chapel, two memorial services were held to honor these women. And I sat in one chapel. And my mom sat in the other. Of course, I was at the service at St. Andrew's. I had known this young man's mom and had written her notes throughout her illness and was actually emailing with her just days before she passed away. But that my mom would want to go to Mrs. Barker's funeral, 20 years after I had graduated from Castilleja, was really touching to me. I didn't ask her to go. She simply said she was going.
Around St. Andrew's, so very often we talk about the sense of community and how it's like a family and how there really can't be any other school community like it. And I gladly join in that conversation, but I usually have to interject that there is actually (at least) one other school community like it - Castilleja. How lucky I am to have been part of both communities.
When I think about "where I'm from", yes, I'm technically "from" New Orleans and then California. And I'm from my mom and dad and Gran. But day-in and day-out growing up and then being a grown-up, I'm from the circle of Castilleja and the chapel of St. Andrew's, I'm from my teachers at Castilleja and my friends and colleagues at St. Andrew's, I'm from my friends at Castilleja and my students at St. Andrew's, I'm from the families at Castilleja and the families at St. Andrew's.
So when I look to my quotation from yesterday, "If you don't love where you come from, you can't love where you are going", I can proudly say...I love where I come from and also where I've come to.

friday quotation

If you don't love where you come from, you can't love where you are going.

From a Yogi Tea bag. Love these teas. As much for the taste as for the little sayings that are attached to each bag. Perfect Energy - Vanilla Spice was just what I needed before yoga yesterday. The words attached to it were just what I needed as I look toward a new year beginning this weekend. It's so tempting, so easy for me to look at the past and be critical of myself or my situation or the work that I did or the relationships I was in, or, or, or... I need to remember to offer myself a dose of compassion and kindness and love who I was even when I felt (and might have been) the most unloveable or unproductive or unengaged because it's all part of me. And I can't appreciate where I'm going if I can't love where I've been or who I was when I was there. Onward toward that new place of love. Hope you find your place, too. Maybe you're already there?

11.1.11

Lots of ones.
That seems to be a theme in my life these days.
"One" from A Chorus Line, the St. Andrew's musical this year. Songs and words from it are still ringing in my head. This is a good thing. There are so many powerful messages in that show. So many poignant questions. So many good lessons.
Next up: "One Step Closer to You" from Dean's yoga class on Sunday. I loved the emphasis on everything starting with one step. One chance to begin again. One movement forward. And forward to what or whom? Another person? Yourself? Either. Both. It was such a good reminder to me that every project, journey, relationship evolves one milestone, step, memory at a time. Few things that hold any meaning in my life came together all at once. They are more like beautiful puzzles that were put together one piece at a time. Silly me. I sometimes expect my current life to follow a different pattern. Why in the world would it? Why in the world would I want it to?
And then today in yoga, "One" performed by U2 and Mary J. Blige. At the end of another class taught by Dean. With an emphasis on the date - 11.1.11 - the 12-year anniversary of Yoga Vida. There was some amazingly good energy in the room tonight. The sort of energy that made you feel powerful and courageous and humble and grateful all at the same time. Perhaps it was the mix of teachers and students. Perhaps it was all of us acknowledging Yoga Vida's birthday and giving thanks for the place and the people. Perhaps it was the beginning of the month and the promise that always holds for me.
I think for me it was some combination of relief that November 1 had come and gone and along with it all of those pesky EA/ED deadlines that I'd fretted over for the last weeks...the energy that a new month brings to me with all sorts of hope for a new beginning...the beauty of the day and the gratitude that fall is finally here...the relief of having shared my plans for college counseling next year with the college counselors (and having gotten their full support) and the odd sense of empowerment that has come from asking for help - once the guilt started to melt away.
Guess it's a bigger day for me than I realized.
Good thing I'm getting a little older in a few days...I might need an extra hint of wisdom to be able to manage all of this.
Oh, and I did a headstand tonight.
On my own.
Without a wall.
And I held it for a few moments.
And then I fell over.
I'm not sure what moved me to do it. But it seemed like a good thing to do at the start of a new month. Besides, what was the worst thing that could happen? I could fall. And I did. And I'm still alive to tell the story. And I actually feel a HUGE sense of accomplishment. Both about the headstand AND about the fall. (It helps that I didn't take anyone down with me in the fall. It was actually rather graceful - I rolled forward like I'm pretty sure we used to do in gymnastics.)
Pretty big start to the 11th month of the year. Pretty excited to see what else it holds.

friday quotation

The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best part of a person's life.
~ William Wordsworth

I am fortunate to have so many of those showered upon me each day...sometimes I just need to remember them.

no.where and now.here

I figured that I needed to expand upon this title (created last week) before Dean tosses another gem my way in yoga this afternoon. Wonder if he knows that I've come to expect greatness from him in that class?! I realize it's sort of an unfair expectation but he keeps tossing goodness our way so I've come to expect/depend on it. And look forward to it. The depth of it. The simplicity of it. The relevance of it.
Last week he talked about how he used to teach elementary schools. Specifically, he talked about how he would teach students to say longer words. By breaking them up in to smaller words. And he shared a story of this with the word nowhere. He pointed out that depending on how you break it up, it can look very different.
no.where
now.here
Ah. Yes.
And then he went on to say, "Think about it, do you want to be no.where? Or do you want to be now.here?"
The answer in yoga class was a resounding leap of my heart and mind - now.here...please! I don't want to be no.where. I don't want to be any.where else but here.
And as I thought about carrying this yoga "mantras" out into my life I reflected that if I'm not now.here then I really am no.where. Which is a pretty strong case for continuing to strive for being present. Being in the moment. Literally being now.here.

friday quotation

True life is lived when tiny changes occur.
~ Leo Tolstoy

mountain pose (from a week ago!)

"Root both feet firmly upon the earth. Let the earth support you. Experience what it feels like to have both feet on the ground."
Literally, I have both feet on the ground a lot because I'm standing or sitting a lot and I don't typically stand like a flamingo or sit with one leg tucked under me. But figuratively, I feel like I'm often hovering just above the ground. And not in some cool "look at me, life is so grand I'm walking on air" way (although that is sometimes the case!). It's more like a "yikes! I'm feeling crazy, frantic and I'm just rushing from thing to thing and never really rooting myself or settling in" way. Which I don't like. At least not as a sustaining mode.
So I was grateful when my yoga teacher (who happens to be a former student of mine!) led us into mountain pose and reminded us to feel what it is like to have both feet on the ground.
This past week did not lead to much progress in the way of feeling grounded, but I'm ever hopeful that this week will lead me closer to that mountain that I want to stand upon so firmly...

friday quotation

Any given moment can change your life...you just have to be there.

"I've always tried to make room for anything that wanted to come to me from within."
~Carl Jung

This just seems appropriate as I'm constantly trying to make room in my own life for my passions, for rest, to follow those words and messages from within. And seeing as I've read two articles (at least) over the last few days about this, it seems I might not be alone.

friday quotation

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.

good news...bad news...who knows?

As I sat in yoga today waiting for class to start I was working overtime to disengage from my "to do" list...which, in spite of many hours of work, hasn't really been greatly reduced over the weekend. I was just in the middle of deciding that I should do what I joked about last week and create an entirely new "to do" list. It would read "wake up", "breathe", "shower, get dressed, go to work", and so forth... Yes. Only basic stuff. So that I could actually feel like I could check something off my list at the end of the day! But this thought was interrupted by Dean calmly walking into the room and inviting us into child's pose. Amazingly, I went there...and quieted by breath...and was able to, at least for the next hour, let go of that "to do" list. And I'm so grateful that I was able to do that. If I hadn't I would have missed this wonderful story that Dean told.
I think that (at least according to my internet research!) it's based on a Taoist tale about a farmer. And it goes something like this: One day a farmer's horse ran away. His neighbor hears of his bad news and comes over to commiserate. "I hear that you lost your horse. That is bad news and back luck." "Well, who knows?" said the farmer, "Maybe it is and maybe it isn't."
The next day the farmer's horse returned to his stable, but it brought with it a drove of wild horses it had befriended who made themselves at home. The neighbor couldn't believe it. He decided to come over and congratulate him. "This is such goodness," he says. "Well, who knows," said the farmer, "Maybe it is and maybe it isn't."
The next day the farmer's son decided to ride on one of the new wild horses to break it in. As luck would have it, the son was thrown from the horse and broke his leg.
Of course, upon hearing this sad news, their neighbor came over to offer condolences. "This is such a sad thing," he said. "Your son has broken his leg. This is bad news." "Well, who knows," said the farmer. "Maybe it is and maybe it isn't."
On the following day, soldiers came to recruit people for the army. They took sons from most of the surrounding farms, but because the farmer's son had a broken leg, he could not go and was spared. And well, maybe it was good news and maybe it wasn't.
I loved this story. For someone who's always trying to make sense of things, it's a great lesson for me to just say "who knows?" - it is what it is. It will quite possibly be good. Or it might be bad. And all I can do is let it be whatever it is going to be...and secretly hold on to the possibility that it's all good.
(On that note, I do think that the rain this weekend was ALL GOOD. Hallelujah! And getting to hear Stevie Wonder at ACL last night was a lovely little surprise...and even though it was a stressful thought not to be getting work done all night, I think a little spontaneity when a free ticket came my way was all good, too.)

friday quotation

Listen to your breath.
How are you breathing?
However you are breathing is probably how you are living your life.
~Dean in a class at Yoga Vida

friday quotation

We are all born for love...it is the principle of existence, and its only end.
~Benjamin Disraeli

my own personal Steel Magnolia makes a change

I'm so proud of Gran today. Well, I'm proud of her all the time but she did something pretty big for a 94 year-old. A little background...
The beauty parlor is important to Gran. In her letters to me at summer camp, it wasn't uncommon for part of them to include "news from the BP..." and she would go on to describe who was there and what the latest gossip or news was. But beyond that, her friends were there. And it was a social outlet for her. Gran will be the first to admit that she doesn't have the best hair, but faithfully she is at the BP twice a week to get it "done". And by "done" I mean, a permanent every once in a while (her hair is still super straight so I don't really get the point, but I'm no beautician!) and to get it set. She then works the days in between to try to keep it set - pink curlers and all! I love that she's 94 and she still cares about how she looks!
At any rate, her trips to the BP are on Tuesdays and Fridays (when she has someone who can drive her there...and to be ready for the weekend!), and it's all very well planned and has been for years. Over the past few months she's been worried that her BP might close. We joked about how she already had a plan for where she would go instead, but I also joked that I thought it was unfair at age 94 to have to make such a change. She laughed and said it wasn't really a big deal, but I worried that it really would be. Last week she learned that the man who sets her hair was moving to another BP and that she could keep her same days and even though she said it wasn't a big deal before, I could hear relief in her voice.
So today was the big day...first trip to the new BP. And it was fine. Sweet Verlean took her. (Verlean is a saint, by the way, and I'll never be able to repay her for the way that she loves and cares for Gran.) They found a handicapped spot right in front. And up she went into the new BP to be greeted by Don. And she met some new friends. And then another woman doing hair there realized that she knew Gran from another BP in town (yes, Gran has been to most of them over the 50 years that she's lived in New Orleans!) and suddenly the new BP felt a little more like home.
I need to take a note from her and her ability to cope with change...gracefully. I am still rattled by the new classroom set-up for a room where we have our weekly college counselors meeting. Seriously, not a big deal, but I literally took a step back and have been thinking about where I need to sit from here on out. Geez. I need to learn from Gran...it's got to be part of the secret of living to 94! That and frequent trips to the BP. I've got a ways to go on both accounts.

Sunday bookends

A new school year has begun and I feel a tad lucky to be on a school calendar not because of summer break (although I do love that, too! along with all of the other breaks!), but because I feel like I get two shots each year at new year's resolutions. One in January 1 along with the masses around the globe who adopt a routine, change a pattern, give up something, etc... as the new year begins. And my second chance is in August when the new school year begins. This year's new (school) year's resolution? (Aside from getting more sleep which I do need to recommit to every year, week, day?!) To have a Sunday routine that goes something like: (optional run/walk/swim), CHURCH, groceries/errands/time with friends/down time/laundry/cleaning/work, YOGA, fix dinner, get ready for the next day, unwind before I go to bed. What's missing from this routine? Work after yoga is what's missing. And even though it's been only one day, I'm really not missing it! I had avoided the 5:30-6:30 yoga class on Sundays because I thought it meant that I would just stay up later since I wouldn't really be starting my evening work until 7 or so. Until I realized that maybe I didn't have to work on Sunday nights! Novel idea. Maybe if I worked earlier in the day or on Saturday then I really could have Sunday night to go to yoga, enjoy fixing a meal (with some favorite tunes or a podcast playing), and then read a book/magazine, call a family member/friend, update my blog, go to bed early?! The possibilities are nearly endless. And I like that.
I also like that my body (if I exercise) and my brain get sparked early in the day with something active followed by church...and that I end the day in a similar way with yoga. I'm loving our interim pastor at Covenant. Today's sermon was all about unburdening ourselves, mostly in the form of forgiveness. He was talking to the congregation at large as we move from one pastor to another but really he was talking to each of us in our lives. If we're honest, we all have people to forgive in our lives...in order to a live a more complete life with them. And in a funny way, yoga had a similar theme. Dean's main messages to us were along the lines of letting life be easier. He reminded us that we can choose to struggle or we can choose for it to be easy. (Not easy in the way of trouble-free but easy in the way of living into our life and not fighting against us.) He encouraged us to take deep breaths and breathe in the fullness of ourselves. I almost giggled out loud imagining that I was breathing in ETG. (I was also laughing inside because Rebecca and I had just been talking about this notion of being our full selves!) And then at one point with our arms reached to the heavens he said, "Now drop your shoulders. You know the world is very heavy if you think you have to hold it up. Why don't you consider letting it support you?" Ummm...good point, Dean. He actually had many good points...I can't remember all of them right now but I was overcome (again) with the sense that this was a good way to round out my weekend. The second half of a pair of bookends that started with church and had all sorts of good stuff in between. Hopefully I can keep things this neat and tidy and contained even when school is really intense. I know I won't be able to each weekend...and I'm going to let life intervene as it will...I want to be flexible that way. But in general, if I can keep my Sunday bookends in place, I think it will be a good thing. So far, I'm averaging 100% success!

lessons from the folks at Kwik Kar

This post is long overdue but it's too good not to share. And now that I've waited this long it will also have a P.S. because of something that happened today.
Back in July, I took my car to the Kwik Car on William Cannon. Lest you think this is your standard Kwik Kar, think again. The waiting area is super welcoming and comfortable - clean, a couch + chairs, music playing through an iPod, coffee and other drinks available. The owners are awesome. They have a boxer who sleeps behind the counter most of the time. And I've long been a fan and a customer based on how pleasant it is to go in there and how great they are to work with. I have always had a sense that they are honest - something that is super important to this girl who doesn't know enough about her (old!) car and just hasn't stopped to learn. And even though it's not close to my house by any means (it is close to school), I've always felt that it was worth the extra miles for the service.
Guess what? I was correct!
Last month when I took the old Subaru in for a standard oil change I was prepared for the usual response: "Ms. Guice, in addition to changing your oil, here are the other things that Subaru recommends at this mileage." Surprise #1: I was all up to date! Surprise #2: "Ms. Guice, so we were reviewing your records and we noticed that we did a (see...I can't remember what it was now only a month later!) twice in a row a while back. That was totally unnecessary. Sorry we didn't catch that then. We'll reimburse you now." I must have had a shocked look on my face. First, I was in shock that I really did only need an oil change. Second, what business does such a thing as catch its own mistake and then offer to reimburse you?! This business! This mom-and-pop place in Southwest Austin that I will continue to go back to. And that I will send friends to...even if it's a little out of the way.
As I was checking out (where I ended up getting a check from the owner instead of giving him a check!), I said, "Thank you again for catching that and for being so amazing about it." He smiled and shook his head and said, "We just wanted to make sure that we did the right thing." I assured him that he had. Hopefully I can "pay it forward" a little by sending some folks his way...
P.S. Another nice car story today (I'm beginning to think I must look fairly helpless when it comes to my car!): I took my car to a neighborhood Texaco and purposefully asked for full serve because I wanted the fluid levels but mostly the air in the tires checked. The (young) guy looked at me and said, "Is the car on empty?" I thought this was an odd question but said, "Well, nearly. But really I'm more concerned about my tires." He said, "We were supposed to close right now but since you have such a pretty smile I'll check it out." Skipping over the possible flirtatious nature of the gas station guy (I wanted to say, "You do realize how old I am, don't you?!"), I turned the car around as requested and let him fill it up. When he got around to the front passenger side tire he said, "Oh, this one is low. And there's a screw in it. I'm going to put some extra air in it and then bring it back tomorrow to get a plug in it." I asked when they opened and he said, "10:00 a.m. Does that work?" "Sure," was my reply - just grateful that they were open on a Sunday at all. And then he said, "Actually, do you just want me to put the plug in it tonight? For a 'pretty please', I'll do it." Again, young man, you are a tad flirty but if it will save me a trip here tomorrow, "Pretty please then...and thank you." Plugged up in less than 5 minutes. Quick exchange to pay. And I was on my way. Home to make some cookies to take by there (and to the Kwik Kar on William Cannon) tomorrow to say "thanks". I realize that they are a business and I am a customer, but that doesn't mean I can't be grateful for them going the extra mile for me.

friday quotation

So simple.
So true.
And sometimes so tough to be honest with the toughest audience of all - yourself.
Or at least it's that way for me.

a moment of self-care

So it's probably no surprise to the folks who actually read this blog that while I think I'm pretty good at caring for others, I'm not always good at caring for myself. I'm not talking about eating right or exercising or going to the doctor or taking care of my mind or spirit. I do that...and pretty well...I think!
I'm talking about putting myself first when I need to and tending to my needs instead of those of others. And I'm pitiful at it. Even though I've had great teachers. Even though I've really tried to be better. Well, sometimes the body puts you in your place and says, "If you're not going to do a better job of this, I'm going to force you to do it." And that's what happened this weekend. I was supposed to be at the Sr. Retreat all weekend. And I went on Friday and was feeling a little croaky but figured it was just because I'd been up late the night before. On Saturday, I was feeling worse so I decided to lay low. Not go to the high ropes courses. Stay in the AC (although I was shivering there and had to put on a sweatshirt...it's still 100+ degrees here in TX so I looked ridiculous!) and drink lots of liquid and take some Advil. By late afternoon, I wasn't getting any relief from anything and decided that during the students' free time instead of swimming with them like I did last year that I should go take a nap...maybe sleep through dinner...maybe sleep through the campfire (and miss s'mores...THAT tells you how bad I was feeling!)...and just wake up on Sunday to help pack up and go home. And then it hit me.
I wasn't doing anyone any good by not being there to participate in things.
I might get others sick.
And I wasn't helping myself get better if I stayed there.
My colleagues were encouraging me to head home, but in typical ETG style I felt guilty about shirking my duties.
And then something snapped. Or failed to snap. Or something. I honestly think I felt so bad and was so overwhelmed about the beginning of the school year and the idea of starting it sick that I announced, "Okay...in a combined moment of feeling guilty + self-care, I've decided that I should go home. Are you sure it's okay?" I thought my colleagues (amazing colleagues!) were going to pack my bags for me and throw me a party to get me out of there. That definitely make it easier to leave.
And you know, it felt good. I think that maybe I felt just bad enough that the guilt faded pretty quickly as I drove home...and that helped! But there was also something about taking care of myself, in spite of the guilt, that felt good. I don't know what it was. I don't know why.
I do know that almost as soon as I got home, I put myself to bed (I did wait until it was a little darker outside, but by 8 p.m. I was asleep). Coughing up a storm. But still sleeping for 14 hours. Waking the next day and putting myself on house arrest except for groceries. But, in general, feeling a lot better.
Lesson learned...perhaps long overdue. And thanks to all those who helped me get here. Even if I've been your slowest learner ever. I have to believe that this first step in this will help me continue...I might need to bookmark this blog post to remind myself to do this when I need to!

friday quotation

Live for something higher, bigger, and better than you.

sunny Tuesday

Yes, we're likely to see the sun again in Austin today. And it's likely to reach the triple digits again in Austin today. And I'm completely over the heat but I don't see too much point in complaining - it won't change anything! And I'll be very grateful to live in this climate come January, February, March...

But my sunny Tuesday thought is a carryover from my last post and I can't believe I forgot to mention it because, as I'm prone to do, I'm now completely obsessed (at least for the moment) with this recording of "Here Comes the Sun" that Dean played at the end of yoga class on Sunday. See, from tears to smiles...James Taylor and Yo-Yo Ma will do that to me every time. Enjoy!

yoga tears...and yoga smiles

So my workout schedule is a bit of a moving target right now. It has been all summer. And it might remain that way even once the school year has begun. And, oddly enough for this type A girl, I feel just fine with that!
This schedule only has a couple of "non-negotiables" - swimming on W and F at Circle C with Chrissie as coach and my lane and pool mates there. Really don't want to give that up before I have to! So, this means that I get to play around with the other days. Trying to do yoga 1-2 a week (1 day of bikram and 1 of Yoga Vida), swimming twice a week, Body Pump 1-2 times a week, running 1-2 times a week, walking as often as I can in the evenings... And throwing in a spin class every now and again. See...options. LOVE IT. And because of this, I went to a yoga class on Sunday afternoon that I need to keep near the top of my "favorite workouts to go to" list. The 5:30-6:30 class with Dean at Yoga Vida yesterday was awesome. He opened with a quotation about crying. I know. It sounds like a weird place to start and I've searched high and low for the full quotation from Stephen Cope's book Yoga and the Quest for True Self, but I can't find it - so I'll do my best to quote it here. The idea was that when we cry, we need to just really let it all out. Not hold back. Soak the pillow case that we're crying into...for on the other side of that last tear is happiness.
I loved this image. Maybe because I'm sometimes a "stuffer" of my feelings. I "hold it all together" rather than letting it all out. Or I let a little bit out but never a full-fledged meltdown. And I wonder how many times I've pushed happiness to the back-burner by doing this.
Dean went on for the rest of class and as we moved into each pose and listened to our bodies he encouraged us to let the parts cry out in pain or maybe even joy...and then, encouraged us to sit there long enough to let the "tears" become smiles. And you know what? In most poses it worked. Okay, not in all of them. I'm not sure my "tears" in pigeon or frog will becomes smiles in this lifetime, but I could at least display a look of serenity rather than a grimace.
Don't worry, I don't think I'll become a blubbering fool any time soon. Although those of you who know me well know that I do love a good cry! But I am going to keep in my mind that on the other side of that last tear is happiness, so I might let a few more tears flow instead of turning the faucet off prematurely.
With gratitude for moving targets of workout schedules that put me in classes that I've never been to that offer unexpected riches...
P.S. We also did partner work in this class - which I thought I would HATE since I didn't know anyone and yoga is sort of personal thing for me. But I ended up thinking it was okay. And, yes, my floor bow is a TON better when someone is urging me to kick harder and pull my shoulders back more... Yet again, going to new places - both physically and mentally - in yoga class.

friday quotation

“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it.”
~ Anonymous

Been hanging on to this one for a while...and now just seemed like the right time to post...and renew my commitment to these words.

lessons from Jane

In addition to realizing that because of Jane I know to cut roses (at a diagonal) just above the first five leaflet leaf under the stem, as I sat at Jane's funeral service today, I realized just how many lessons I'd learned from her. Many that others have learned as well.
Jane was the best sort of teacher because she taught by the way she lived her life. No preaching from Jane. No judgment from Jane. Just wisdom and experience and a genuine desire to listen and offer her thoughts about the situation. Or just to listen. Jane reminded us all to live life to the fullest - right until the very end. Apparently, just days before she went into the hospital for the visit when she would only leave as an angel on her way to heaven, she was asking one of her daughters for some hand weights because she thought she needed to stay in shape (she was 92, friends! This is perhaps what gets you to 92...and beyond!). And when she moved to San Antonio (from NOLA where she and Gran were steadfast friends for 50+ years) a few years ago, she was determined to make a new set of friends. Judging from the ladies who filled the pews in the church today, she accomplished this goal. Speaking of friends. She had many. Of all ages. From all walks of life. Jane knew no strangers. If she hadn't met you yet she was all the more eager to get to know you. And once she knew you, she considered you a friend for life. Of course, some friends (like Gran) fell into a special category. Those friends were like family.
She also taught me about faith. I think Jane was able to be so positive because she was grounded in the firm belief that God was taking care of her. That even the things that didn't appear to be "working out" really were because they were part of God's plan. That at the end of the day maybe we shouldn't worry so much because we really weren't in control of all that much! And you know, I think Jane created an optimistic world of self-prophecy. I should take note!
Accepting and warm, everyone felt special around Jane. She adored her family above all else - her husband, her two daughters, her five grandchildren, and her eleven great-grandchildren. I'm so glad she met all of them! I know someday they will know how lucky they were to have known her.
Inquisitive, caring, warm, honorable, wise...and, above all, loving, Jane will be missed. Mostly by her family, but also by her friends. Especially one whom I talk to daily. I was very aware as I sat in the church today that the words of her grandkids as they remembered Jane were very familiar as they were things I would say about Gran and my relationship with her. And so, in addition to all of the other lessons that I realized Jane had taught me, as I sat there today I also learned about letting go. I watched Jane's family let her go. I listened to Allison and Ann talk about their last days and moments with their mom. I talked to Katy about her experience with Jane's passing on. I prayed a silent prayer that I will be able to let go when it's Gran's time to go. Let go gracefully, that is. I will have to let go for she will be up in heaven and unless I make it a point to go with her, I'll still be here on earth while she rises up to meet Jane and Granddaddy and Harold and Dallas and Knox and Dell and Hartwell and Phyllis and Ann and her parents and Snooky and, and, and... My heart goes out to Gran right now in a special way. It must be very lonely to have all of your closest friends no longer with you. To know they are all gathered up above just waiting for you. And in this, my heart is also beginning to break a little and prepare for what I know is inevitable. That Gran will not be with us forever. There's nothing urgently wrong with her right now, but what she "has" is not going away and someday her body is just going to say, "I'm done". With congestive heart failure, a replacement heart valve that will eventually give out, and a pacemaker that I'm not sure they will replace (she's already been through two or three!) after it gives out, it's pretty much a miracle of modern medicine that Gran is able to do all that she does. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm worried that with most of her dear friends no longer a phone call away, she's going to find it more and more difficult to keep going. I've told her she has inherited all of the grandchildren of her friends who have lost grandmothers recently and she laughed and said she had her hands full with her own grandkids! She really is sharp as a tack...which is a blessing. But I know she's sad. She misses Jane and everyone else. And while I can't wait for her to be with them again, selfishly I'm praying that we get to keep her for as long as she's living a life of quality. When that ends, I'm happy for her to go join the party that's waiting for her up in heaven. Although I'm making no promises that I'll be terribly graceful about it. But Katy and her family reminded me that there is gracefulness in tears and hugs and the love of friends. And today reminded me that relationships - no matter the sort - are precious and should be nurtured and cherished. I'm not sure which of these lessons is the most important - I suspect they all are. Which is as it should be. Godspeed, Jane...and comfort to all who knew and loved her...especially my Gran and Jane's family. Another amazing woman I am blessed to have known. Jane, thank you for sharing your life with my family. I'm glad that you're up in heaven looking out for us...we all need another guardian angel.

farmshare fun!

I am not sure what I loved more about my farmshare delivery this week.
The produce: okra, corn, tomatoes, hot peppers, lima beans, mushrooms, mustard micro-greens, zucchini, butternut squash (which I thought was a fall garden item?!), summer squash, pears...YUMMY.
OR

The note that was on the top:
If you can't see it, it's a picture of happy vegetables and says "Hi, Ms. Guice! Happy eating!" signed with a heart from Lizzie. And this is just one of the many things that I love, love, love about my life here in Austin. Lizzie is a former student of mine (advisee to be exact) from the Class of 2004. I have kept up with her...because she's wonderful and because she's the oldest of three kids in her family and I had the honor of advising all of them. Which is part of this story of what I love about my life in Austin.
Lizzie is just one of the many families that I feel like make up my very large Austin family. Mostly extensions of St. Andrew's. Usually families of students whom I have advised because we create such a strong bond over the year - or years, if there is more than one child in the family. Members of my triathlon training team make up my Austin family, too. As do some folks from church. While no one replaces my "real" family (my actual relatives), I'm so blessed to have people who feel like family right here in Austin. It's part of what makes Austin feel like home to me - which it has been since 1996, making it the place that I've lived longer than any other place! And while it's grown SO much in the time that I've lived here (well, we've both grown...I like to think that Austin has grown out and that I've just grown up!), in many ways, it still feels like a smaller city than it is. And notes like the one from Lizzie on the top of my farmshare box make it feel that way. I discovered that she was working there when I (literally) stumbled over to the new Farmhouse office to return a plastic bin (I had two...which was two too many for my condo) and was fairly convinced that I'd landed in the wrong place. With a look of confusion on my face, I opened the door to Suite #110 and Lizzie greeted me. I was delighted but even more confused. She said, "Ms. Guice, what are you doing here?" "Well, I'm trying to find Farmhouse Delivery but I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong place...but maybe the right place to see you!" She quickly explained that I was in the right place for both things and went on to describe this new office space and her role at Farmhouse. Very cool. That returning a plastic bin in which produce arrived would lead me to a former student is something very "Austin" for me. My Austin. The Austin that holds my life. My circles overlap all of the time - which could be annoying, but I choose for it to be warm and friendly instead. (And it keeps me out of trouble - usually!) So veggies or notes from former students? Which make me happier? Well, definitely the latter...but the fact that they came together on Friday represents something doubly sweet.