WARNING: I almost didn't post this because I sometimes worry that I sound like I'm complaining or I worry about what others are going to think of me when they read my blog or, or, or... But above all else, the one thing I always wanted this blog to be was honest...not almost honest. So here it is.
I almost cried on my run yesterday...what?! That was a first. Not out of physical pain, just out of sheer frustration at wanting to be done with 20 miles...and not yet being done. Of wanting to be able to run faster...wondering why I couldn't increase my turnover...coming to peace with the idea that I was giving it my all even if it wasn't super fast...and happily realizing that I'd negative split when I actually finished (when I almost shed a tear as well - out of relief...and satisfaction). [Interesting note...all of that self-chatter happened in the last 30 minutes of the run...maybe if my brain has shut-up I would have had more energy to run!] End result: I probably gained more from this run mentally than from many other faster, stronger runs I've had. So the "almost tears" were worth it.
I almost threw in the towel today on my ride...what?! That would have also been a first. I was so frustrated that I couldn't get any speed going and that my legs never really got with the program. No matter what I tried: higher cadence, bigger gear, aero, non-aero, standing up, more water, more food, coming up with an alternate description for every road sign (for example: "limited sight distance" really means "you are about to hit a hill that you can't see up because it's so steep")...hanging onto the back of the cars that kept passing us. Oh, wait, I didn't do that last thing - that might have actually helped! Thank goodness I was out there with teammates, especially Erin who was with me the whole time, because I knew I couldn't quit. Well, I knew it for myself, too. You see my almost quitting is actually probably not almost at all. But I call it such if the idea even crosses my mind - even if I'm hours and mies from actually doing it. (My running buddies will tell you that I'm the queen of almost when it comes to our runs, too...heck, I'm almost to the end of the run before we've even started!) On Sunday, I bargained my way to every rest stop. And then when I realized how pitiful my average speed was (this was the ride where I averaged 16mph last month...today...just barely 15mph - and that was only b/c of my speedy south MoPac loop at the end) I bargained with myself about what I would do at the end. The ride would get us to 86 miles but we were supposed to ride 90 miles. I know, 4 miles, is not a huge deal. But yesterday, I made a huge deal about finishing the run to get the full 20 miles, even though I was literally doing laps in the parking lot. So I didn't really know how I could blow off 4 miles today. NOTE: this is 100% a "me" thing. Rationally, whether I'm 1 mile short on a long run or 4 miles short on a long ride, it's going to have no impact on my race on June 27. I KNOW THIS. But reason was not the prevalent voice in my head today. So, the deal I made with myself was: 1 - either hop off the bike and brick (pushing it) OR 2 - go and do a south MoPac loop and make sure I got to 90 miles...and push it (as some way of proving that I can actually go over 15mph on a bike?!). I decided to go with the latter. Headed to south MoPac and averaged 18mph...in the rain. It's stupid, I know, but I felt like I had redeemed the ride some. End result: again, I learned more about myself and what I can do on a tough, tough day like this (just as tough mentally as physically, although riding 90 miles after running 20 the day before is not cake walk) than I did riding Shiner and other blissful rides.
I almost made it through the whole day without working on school/AP stuff. But not quite. It's that time of year. It's okay.
I almost missed that New Orleans is flooding again...thankfully Gran and her house are okay. Except for that it keeps raining in her porch and she has to clean it which makes me wish I lived there and could do that for her.
I almost mastered my blondie recipe...took a couple of attempts this weekend. Should have gone with my gut on the pan size for the original batch!
I almost got everything on my "to do" list done...almost. (This is not to say that everything in my life is in tip-top shape! Far from it...I just don't put it all on my "to do" list anymore! That's what taper is for, right?!)
So how was my weekend in "almost-ville"? Well, I'm not usually an "almost" girl. If I'm going to do something, I try to do it 100%, not almost do it. (Doesn't mean I don't fall short...I just never aim to come up short.) And yet this weekend, playing in "almost-ville" was good for me. "Almost-ville" helped me define myself, challenge myself, and see things from a new perspective. Not sure I want to stay in "almost-ville" indefinitely, but it's a good place to visit every now and then. I think maybe for me it represents some physical, emotional, mental, spiritual edge that I reach from time to time...where I'm on the verge of doing something new or going someplace I've never been before. Even if it's an imaginary place like "almost-ville".
2 comments:
I'm glad you posted it. I saw it, then saw that it was gone, and figured you'd changed your mind. I second guess SO much that I put on my blog. I feel like I'm whining or complaining or bragging or like people are tired of hearing me talk about the same things over and over. But in the end, we write these things for ourselves, so we can look back and see who we were and where we were. And so that others can know that we're not the only ones who feel that way. That we all have those almosts.
I'm so glad you posted this. For a relatively novice athlete it is good to see the struggles as well as the triumphs. Ironman training IS.NOT.EASY. It tests more than your physical ability. You're a rockstar. :)
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