"When is the last time you had a good meal and enough sleep?"

When I would call my mom upset about something when I was in college (translation - my being "upset about something" usually involves tears), she would always respond very calmly, "Elizabeth, when's the last time you had a good meal and enough sleep?" I would typically launch into some rationalization of why neither of those two things had happened lately (hmmm...some things don't change). And in an incredibly calm way, she would say, "Why don't you call me back when you've had something to eat and when you've gotten some sleep? We'll talk then." End of conversation. She knew what I needed in order to have any sort of a meaningful conversation.
Why do I bring this up some 15 years after the fact? Because since last week I've found myself on the verge of tears on numerous occasions. Now I can't claim to not be a crier...I'll cry with the best of them especially since it is usually my m.o. when I get upset. Some people yell; some people storm off; some start to blow steam from their ears. I cry. And I'll need a box of Kleenex for certain movies or certain shows (Ironman, the Olympics, anything having to do with cancer, etc...). But I'm usually pretty even-keeled on a daily basis and over the long haul. "Steady" was the term a friend once used. I'll take that as a good thing?
Well, not recently. "A River Runs Through It" on Sunday afternoon was my first round of tears. A student getting into a college on Monday made me grab Kleenex. Then a student getting denied at a college. Gran telling me that she wished I was coming to visit with the large group of my family that is coming to visit soon. Tuesday night TV shows. And finally, looking at all of my students with their grandparents at school today and realizing how many of them I'd known through two or more grandchildren over my 14 years at St. Andrew's and thinking about how lucky I am to be part of that "family". So what exactly has been going on?
Well, I'm realizing that my mom's essential questions are the answer to my tears...it's that point in Ironman training where I'm just tired (not exhausted but weary, and my muscles are tired) and where I can't get enough food. I'm eating "good meals", Mom...but I am like a bottomless pit these days! Time to up the calories now that we're in week 13 of our training. Oh, and I'm also at that point in the school year where things are crazy busy, my students are even more emotional than usual (which is saying a lot for teenagers...and I'm trying to hold it all together for them), and I'm barely able to keep up with everything (okay, sometimes I fail completely). So, yeah, I guess I can see the reason for my tears.
But at least I know the solution: more SLEEP + more FOOD! At least until someone creates an automatic re-set button for our bodies and a few more hours to each day...

yoga Monday

There are two new pieces of art in the yoga studio at Yoga Vida 707. And I thought I would remember the words on both of them to post them here but I'm drawing a blank on one. Naturally, the one I really liked! One said, "UNITE" which is a fine thought. But the other one really resonated with me. It was something along the lines of "starting over again with a clean slate"- but much more poetic than that.
But it got me thinking that even though there are so many chances to start over, we really still carry baggage from previous phases of life or from previous experiences to whatever we're going through at the moment. Much as I can tell myself that each day is a new day, I still have the memories from the days before...either as positive or negative forces in my mind.
So what would it take to really have a clean slate? Frankly, I'm not sure. Divine intervention? Great discipline in letting go AND forgiving yourself (key!)? I feel like my chalkboard gets cleaned each day by someone who is using a dusty old eraser rather than a damp rag to really wipe it clean. Maybe I can find some old rags around to start using...

IM training, take two

"Wait, you're doing this again...why in the world would you do that? Can't you check that 'do an Ironman' item off your 'to do' list and be done with it?"
I seem to be explaining myself a lot lately. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. And it's not even really an annoying thing, mostly because it gives me a chance to reflect a little on just why I am training for another Ironman. I knew when I was signing up last June that I really wanted to do another Ironman and that I wanted to do CDA again in 2010. I just had a feeling in my gut that there was something to be gained from doing it all again.
And I was right. But, as with so many other things in my life, I didn't know just what I would learn. And now that we're nearly 1/2 way through CDA 2010 training (what?! yikes!), I've had enough time to make some sense of what training has meant to me this second time around.
In some ways, I've approached it very differently than last time. And in other ways, I'm very much the same athlete (at least mentally) as I was last year. (I'm hoping a tad stronger than I was last time around but on any given day I can't be sure of that!) I know more this time around - both about myself and about the training - and that can be a blessing or a curse depending on the day, the workout, my energy level, my mood, etc... "Knowing" has generally translated into more confidence on my part - knowing that I can do the distances because I've done them before, knowing that I do have what it takes because I've done it before even if I am full of self-doubt on that particular day. But every once in a while, I wish I didn't know what I do. I wish I didn't know how tough those distances are or that biking 80+ miles and following that with a 50 minute run one day and a 17 mile run the next day is just really painful physically and a huge challenge mentally. There IS a certain bliss to ignorance! And to novelty. In some ways it was easier to do all of this the first time around because I simply didn't know any better and every weekend was a new accomplishment for me...typically the longest ride or run I'd ever done. And finishing in and of itself was plenty of an accomplishment. I could stand in awe of myself no matter how I felt at the end purely because I'd survived!
This time, I've got higher expectations and finishing usually isn't enough. I want to do it better or faster or stronger or...something...either mentally or physically. Thankfully on the days when that doesn't work out, my friends, teammates, and family remind me that just doing this at all is doing more than I would have ever imagined for myself and is an accomplishment in and of itself. I'm grateful for these human reality checks in my life! I tend to be my own worst critic...maybe training will help me learn some lessons about that for my life in general.
Last year, I felt like I approached every training session just a little bit timid. I was a bit scared of what would happen if I really did give it my all, knowing that I had another workout less than 12 hours away. I didn't know enough about my body or what training would do to it to be able to trust in recovery time, recovery drinks, stretching, and sleep. In other words, I sort of played it safe. I rarely bonked, in part because I never pushed myself hard enough to bonk. Let me assure you, it feels better not to bonk! But it didn't really help me learn where my limits are...or how to push past those limits and establish new ones in time. So this training cycle, as much as I able to, I have committed to giving every workout 100% of whatever I have in me at the time. Sometimes all that I have left is 80% (or less!) but I am trying to put it all out there. Even if it means that I crash at the end of a long run because I pushed it too hard in the beginning. It feels awful - sometimes mentally and physically - but it's helping me learn...a lot!
I have also managed to be much more balanced about my life and training than I was last year. I'm really trying to stick to the C plan as prescribed by T3. For me, it generally means 2 swim practices + 1 open water swim, 1 run workout + 1 long run, 1 spin class + 1 long ride, 1 core class, 1 yoga class. Last year I went to 2 run workouts each ddweek and 2 spin classes each week. I can't say that I was over-trained...is there such a thing? (Okay, I do think I've read that there is but I'm fairly sure I'll never be at risk of being over-trained!) But I can say that I was tired all the time. Giddy with excitement over training but physically wiped out all the time. Not this year! Don't get me wrong, I managed to take a 90 minute nap today so I'm tired, but not the same "drained all the time" tired that I was last year. I'm giving myself a day off each week (as long as schedules cooperate!) and not making myself crazy to make up missed workouts as long as I'm making my hours. Seems to be working so far...we'll see what June 27 shows!
More balance helps me fit other things into my life in between my training sessions...getting together with friends, errands, something on a week night, stuff at school... And all of that makes me better at the training, I think. And as our coaches remind us, we're not professional athletes so we're supposed to have another life! And, for the most part, I do - although on a big weekend like this past one, it's tough to fit those other things in.
So given that it is tough...physically, emotionally, mentally...why am I doing this again? Clearly, it's not just to check it off some box on my bucket list (if I had a bucket list!). And it's not to impress anyone or get in shape or prove something to someone - even myself. It's because I love the training. I love the discipline of it. I love the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction after a tough weekend or weekday workout. I love how much better food tastes after a long ride, and I love that a nap feels like a little slice of heaven after a long run. I'm in awe of what my body can do...and grateful that it's putting up with this again. (And as Jess and I reflected during our run today, we feel like we've been given these bodies so we should use them!) I love the camaraderie of training with a team and working toward a common goal and yet being on slightly different paths to get there. I love that this is a way to push myself to become stronger - in my whole being. That through it I feel more independent and more open to accepting help (a funny contradiction of sorts!). And that somehow something very physical has deeply impacted my emotional well-being, too.
How do I gear up to do something that I know will hurt? What do I have in me when my discipline isn't really enough? What gets me out there completing another workout when there's no one by my side? What strength do I tap into when my human strength really isn't enough? How do I apply all of this to other areas of my life? I'm still figuring most of this out but I can safely say that, like the first time around, I will not be the same person on the other side of IM CDA 2010...and that isn't even counting race day itself!
So there...in a nutshell (or two or three...) is why I can't just let last year's IM be enough. I actually think this crazy sport has worked its way into my life and is finding a home with me. It's brought fun and satisfaction to my life in a way that I would have never imagined. Oh, and it's allowed me to be outside for long periods of the day on the weekend and for shorter spurts during the week - awesome! And it's connected me with some really wonderful people here in Austin. People who have impacted my life for the better. People who I'm not sure I would have ever met otherwise. People who remind me that there's always more...more ways to see what we're made of. And that is the lesson I take with me into all areas of my life.
In everything I do, I want to be reminded that I can always be doing it better or with more passion or with a greater attention to some aspect of whatever it is. I never want to forget that I can run a little harder than I think I can. Or work a little more diligently than I think I can. Or laugh a little louder than I think I can. Or love the people in my life a little more than I think I can. Or be a little more passionate about life than I think I should be. That I can reach out to a few more people (strangers included) and offer my help a few more times than I think is necessary. And maybe, if I do this, I'll finish out my life feeling like I did live fully...and that I was on the road to being the best I could be. I'll never really get there - or at least I hope not...otherwise, what would I keep pushing for? But as long as I'm on the road of life giving it my all, I'm satisfied with that. Maybe it is what my mom said to me when I was little, "If you've done your very best, what more can I ask?"
Giving it my best on this second take of IM training...and hoping for the best, too.
Maybe I needed to do this IM training again to keep working all of this out...as evidenced in this post, there's still a lot I have to learn.
P.S. As a totally random footnote, the light bulb in the lamp on my bedside table burned out last week and I have yet to replace it so I've been using my headlamp at night to read...which has nothing to do with IM training but should make those of you who know me laugh! And on that note...this headlamp needs to be put to bed for the night...because that is one area where I still have massive room for improvement - SLEEP!
P.P.S. Happy birthday, Mor! Sorry we didn't get to talk on your birthday...hope you liked your present!

friday quotation...to follow thursday's post

This was part of that article I referred to yesterday (about college rejections), but I think it is a good reminder no matter how old you are!

Don't let rejections control your life. To allow other people's assessment of you to determine your own self-assessment is a very big mistake. The question really is, who at the end of the day is going to make the determination about what your talents are, and what your interests are, that's up to you?
~Lee Bollinger

it's that time of year...

Not Christmas. Or summer. Well, it is spring but I'm not really referring to a season of the year. I'm finding myself thinking "it's that time of year" every day when I'm at work and I'm reminded that mid-March to mid-April is both a wonderful and difficult time at work when your life revolves around seniors in high school.
I know that some of you are thinking that "difficult" might describe all time spent with teenagers, but I'm lucky and I think that most of my time spent with them is "wonderful". And this time of the year is no exception, except that it usually pulls at my heartstrings in a different way than an ordinary day does.
You see, it's that time of year when seniors at St. Andrew's and around the country (and globe) are waiting to hear back from colleges to which they've applied. Odd as it may sound, I don't think that college is the end-all, be-all in life. I don't even think it's "right" for some students, even some of our students...or at least not right now. And I've lived just long enough to know that an "admission ticket" to college is only that - an admission ticket to college, not an admission ticket to lifelong happiness or a dream job or a your ideal mate or a life full of meaning or passion. In fact, I know an ever-growing list of people, some who are both acquaintances and others who are close friends, who have incredible lives - lives that I admire and even envy - who hold no college degree. That being said, I believe in the value of education and of the opportunities that can come from it both when you're in school and out of school. So I continue to be passionate about college counseling or at least continuing education.
But this time of year calls me to be more of a counselor than a college counselor. Students come into my office looking as if they've just lost their best friend when/if their dreams of attending school "x" have just been dashed by a single email/online message/admissions office letter. We hold their sadness together. The frustration and the questions of "why?" or "why not?" are so real you can touch them. And I don't have the answers. Well, I do, but they are rarely helpful in the very present. I trust they provide some comfort down the road...be it a few days, weeks, months, or even years later. But in that very moment when a dream moves even farther away from becoming a reality, my words provide little comfort.
Of course, in the very timely way that newspapers print articles, there was a great one in the Wall Street Journal this week about college rejections and how they had affected some pretty famous people...in a positive way, of course. It's not that it says anything that's terribly new; it's just that it came out at just the right time. For seniors. For their parents. For me.
Because it's the reminder that everything that we experience in life happens for a reason - both the good and the bad. That how we react to things is far more important than what actually happens to us. That there are any number of places, ways, people, relationships, jobs, events, etc... that can help to fill the empty spots of our lives with meaning. That life really doesn't usually work out exactly like you thought it would, and that's okay. Perhaps even better. It makes us more flexible, more creative, more empathetic to others pain and disappointment, more determined, and more resilient. And, you know, I think in the long run, those lessons are far more important than any lesson in any college classroom around the country. And if my students didn't get into any college that they really longed to go to but "passed" those lessons of life, they would get an A+ in my book.

yoga Monday

Turns out that the only things I distinctly remember from yoga this morning were how creaky I felt, how the room wasn't terribly hot, how bizarre it was to me that my hip that was actually the most stiff felt the most comfortable when I was putting my weight on it, and how the other two people there with me were SO much more flexible. If this train of thought gives you any idea, it will suggest that I was not terribly focused today during yoga. Usually I can go into my own happy, yoga place and not worry about others around me and move comfortably through each pose, feeling strong and secure. Not today. (This is when I start to wonder if my yoga practice is a reflection of where I am in my life...hmmm...guess time will tell.)
So my "yoga moment" that I usually blog about didn't happen at 6:30 a.m.
But it did happen.
Just in a different way, at a different time, in a different setting.
We're in this wonderful season at school where many seniors are giving senior "homilies" or speeches, reflecting on their time in high school, what they know now that they wish they'd known earlier, etc... They are incredibly good. All of them are heartfelt, thoughtful, thought-provoking, and typically wonderful mirrors of the student who has written it. But today's homily was more than that. It was a real treat because it was SO well-written. Literally, I sat back in my seat and felt like I was a little kid and someone was reading me a beautiful story. The delivery was confident, animated, and passionate. Her words were string together like song lyrics that made you feel something as you listened.
When I saw her after chapel I found myself unable to thank her appropriately, so I tripped over words that she would have danced over and I asked her if I could have a copy of her speech. She looked surprised, said "of course", and then sent it to me with this wonderful little sentence: "They say that the number one thing humans want is to feel appreciated; thank you for doing just that." (Yep, this is the wonderful job I get to have.)
As I thought about her homily, I kept trying to make sense of just why it had resonated with me so much. It was about sky diving - well, sort of. I've never been skydiving. But the way that she talked about it made total sense to me, "I have always felt that I wasn't doing the experience justice with words like: amazing, intense, awesome, incredible. These vowels and consonants would not leave enough room for the spaces in between. It seems to me that we're always trying to pin things down, stuff them in a box, squeeze them into a corny frame on a wall... Sometimes I wonder if all of this pinning-down that we're trying to do ruins the sanctity of that special moment."
My translation of these eloquent words that Monday as I sat there in chapel trying to be the best possible sponge to her wisdom was, "Live in the moment. And if you can't possibly put words to it, that's okay. Some things are meant to be explained through words. Some things are meant to be experienced. Then digested. Then woven into the fabric of your being. And explained through your actions and the way that you live your life." Or maybe that is my cop-out for never having written my "homily" about doing an Ironman or Gran or certain people in my life or on my childhood or on being on this wonderful journey of life. Today, I'll settle for an excused absence (or at least an extension) on all of those unwritten words and let my student's words echo in my mind instead.

kitchen pop-art

After an awesome morning run (in the COLD with Jess, Jim, and Amy B. at a very nice pace!!) and then my Sunday ritual (that I love!!!) of coffee and breakfast tacos at Whole Foods (usually with Amy or another buddy), a run to the grocery store, an ice bath, and some cleaning, I finally sat down to my computer to check up on email, blogs, news, etc... Upon reading another blog I was struck by my own lack of creativity. Or at least that was my perception. She had made a quilt...she is an amazing artist...and she's a talented writer. I thought to myself that I'd take one of her many creative genes...for just a day!
And then I hit the kitchen and it occurred to me that perhaps cooking was my creative endeavor of the day. First up was a cake to celebrate a student's acceptance to college. It's the last of such cakes I'll make this year as his acceptance marks the fact that all of my advisees officially have a college home to go to next year - which is what they wanted. And therefore, what I wanted. Anyway, this cake was special...a swirl cake in the UCLA colors. Which means it's yellow and blue...and as a result I won't be tempted to eat any of it. (The whole blue foods thing.) As I looked at it I thought that it was borderline ugly, creative, colorful, fun...something. Anyway, with some white icing on top of it, my students won't know what to expect when we slice into it tomorrow...love surprising them in goofy ways like this! I'm sure it will taste the same as a regular cake which means my advisees will eat it regardless of what it looks like.
Next up...breakfast casserole for the week. This is my little creative endeavor every week. The base stays the same - eggs, some tortillas, and pico de gallo. Some weeks black beans get tossed in. Some weeks it's peppers and onions. One week it was asparagus and spinach. Usually a little bit of cheese. And there I have my breakfast for a few days of the week. Since I can't whip up a breakfast taco or something like that each morning (okay, technically, I could but it would mean my getting up even earlier than I already do and that's not going to happen!), this is a good substitute.
And then my final creation of the day - homemade granola. Again, I make some of this nearly every week because I'm having a blast experimenting with different combinations. Always an oat or nine-grain cereal base + lots of yummy spices (cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, cloves, vanilla...comfort in a jar!) + dried fruit + nuts + molasses and/or a little honey for a touch of sweetness. Raisins, cranberries, apricots, dates...almonds, pecans...they are all fair game. And each time I really like what I create. I know there are delicious low-fat granolas out there but to me, making it is the fun part...eating it is the bonus!
In other cooking news...I actually made some AMAZING brownies on Saturday but didn't capture them on film. My usual recipe + 2 secretly delicious extra ingredients...yummy! (And a perfectly appropriate post-run treat...only after a sliver of Jess's babka...which we re-named crack-ka because it's so good it has to have some mood-altering drug in it!)
And in case you're wondering what "real" meals I eat...there are those, too. One to be thrown together on Monday night that will last for a while, plus spaghetti squash to be cooked and eaten with my bison ragu from last week (YUM!!!), and veggies galore to be roasted.
So maybe, just maybe between my cooking and my writing (and as Amy reminded me...my job! Goodness knows I have to be creative in working with teenagers day in and day out!), I do have a touch of creativity in me. Maybe I just need to tap into it more often...or recognize that creativity comes in different forms.