IM training, take two

"Wait, you're doing this again...why in the world would you do that? Can't you check that 'do an Ironman' item off your 'to do' list and be done with it?"
I seem to be explaining myself a lot lately. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. And it's not even really an annoying thing, mostly because it gives me a chance to reflect a little on just why I am training for another Ironman. I knew when I was signing up last June that I really wanted to do another Ironman and that I wanted to do CDA again in 2010. I just had a feeling in my gut that there was something to be gained from doing it all again.
And I was right. But, as with so many other things in my life, I didn't know just what I would learn. And now that we're nearly 1/2 way through CDA 2010 training (what?! yikes!), I've had enough time to make some sense of what training has meant to me this second time around.
In some ways, I've approached it very differently than last time. And in other ways, I'm very much the same athlete (at least mentally) as I was last year. (I'm hoping a tad stronger than I was last time around but on any given day I can't be sure of that!) I know more this time around - both about myself and about the training - and that can be a blessing or a curse depending on the day, the workout, my energy level, my mood, etc... "Knowing" has generally translated into more confidence on my part - knowing that I can do the distances because I've done them before, knowing that I do have what it takes because I've done it before even if I am full of self-doubt on that particular day. But every once in a while, I wish I didn't know what I do. I wish I didn't know how tough those distances are or that biking 80+ miles and following that with a 50 minute run one day and a 17 mile run the next day is just really painful physically and a huge challenge mentally. There IS a certain bliss to ignorance! And to novelty. In some ways it was easier to do all of this the first time around because I simply didn't know any better and every weekend was a new accomplishment for me...typically the longest ride or run I'd ever done. And finishing in and of itself was plenty of an accomplishment. I could stand in awe of myself no matter how I felt at the end purely because I'd survived!
This time, I've got higher expectations and finishing usually isn't enough. I want to do it better or faster or stronger or...something...either mentally or physically. Thankfully on the days when that doesn't work out, my friends, teammates, and family remind me that just doing this at all is doing more than I would have ever imagined for myself and is an accomplishment in and of itself. I'm grateful for these human reality checks in my life! I tend to be my own worst critic...maybe training will help me learn some lessons about that for my life in general.
Last year, I felt like I approached every training session just a little bit timid. I was a bit scared of what would happen if I really did give it my all, knowing that I had another workout less than 12 hours away. I didn't know enough about my body or what training would do to it to be able to trust in recovery time, recovery drinks, stretching, and sleep. In other words, I sort of played it safe. I rarely bonked, in part because I never pushed myself hard enough to bonk. Let me assure you, it feels better not to bonk! But it didn't really help me learn where my limits are...or how to push past those limits and establish new ones in time. So this training cycle, as much as I able to, I have committed to giving every workout 100% of whatever I have in me at the time. Sometimes all that I have left is 80% (or less!) but I am trying to put it all out there. Even if it means that I crash at the end of a long run because I pushed it too hard in the beginning. It feels awful - sometimes mentally and physically - but it's helping me learn...a lot!
I have also managed to be much more balanced about my life and training than I was last year. I'm really trying to stick to the C plan as prescribed by T3. For me, it generally means 2 swim practices + 1 open water swim, 1 run workout + 1 long run, 1 spin class + 1 long ride, 1 core class, 1 yoga class. Last year I went to 2 run workouts each ddweek and 2 spin classes each week. I can't say that I was over-trained...is there such a thing? (Okay, I do think I've read that there is but I'm fairly sure I'll never be at risk of being over-trained!) But I can say that I was tired all the time. Giddy with excitement over training but physically wiped out all the time. Not this year! Don't get me wrong, I managed to take a 90 minute nap today so I'm tired, but not the same "drained all the time" tired that I was last year. I'm giving myself a day off each week (as long as schedules cooperate!) and not making myself crazy to make up missed workouts as long as I'm making my hours. Seems to be working so far...we'll see what June 27 shows!
More balance helps me fit other things into my life in between my training sessions...getting together with friends, errands, something on a week night, stuff at school... And all of that makes me better at the training, I think. And as our coaches remind us, we're not professional athletes so we're supposed to have another life! And, for the most part, I do - although on a big weekend like this past one, it's tough to fit those other things in.
So given that it is tough...physically, emotionally, mentally...why am I doing this again? Clearly, it's not just to check it off some box on my bucket list (if I had a bucket list!). And it's not to impress anyone or get in shape or prove something to someone - even myself. It's because I love the training. I love the discipline of it. I love the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction after a tough weekend or weekday workout. I love how much better food tastes after a long ride, and I love that a nap feels like a little slice of heaven after a long run. I'm in awe of what my body can do...and grateful that it's putting up with this again. (And as Jess and I reflected during our run today, we feel like we've been given these bodies so we should use them!) I love the camaraderie of training with a team and working toward a common goal and yet being on slightly different paths to get there. I love that this is a way to push myself to become stronger - in my whole being. That through it I feel more independent and more open to accepting help (a funny contradiction of sorts!). And that somehow something very physical has deeply impacted my emotional well-being, too.
How do I gear up to do something that I know will hurt? What do I have in me when my discipline isn't really enough? What gets me out there completing another workout when there's no one by my side? What strength do I tap into when my human strength really isn't enough? How do I apply all of this to other areas of my life? I'm still figuring most of this out but I can safely say that, like the first time around, I will not be the same person on the other side of IM CDA 2010...and that isn't even counting race day itself!
So there...in a nutshell (or two or three...) is why I can't just let last year's IM be enough. I actually think this crazy sport has worked its way into my life and is finding a home with me. It's brought fun and satisfaction to my life in a way that I would have never imagined. Oh, and it's allowed me to be outside for long periods of the day on the weekend and for shorter spurts during the week - awesome! And it's connected me with some really wonderful people here in Austin. People who have impacted my life for the better. People who I'm not sure I would have ever met otherwise. People who remind me that there's always more...more ways to see what we're made of. And that is the lesson I take with me into all areas of my life.
In everything I do, I want to be reminded that I can always be doing it better or with more passion or with a greater attention to some aspect of whatever it is. I never want to forget that I can run a little harder than I think I can. Or work a little more diligently than I think I can. Or laugh a little louder than I think I can. Or love the people in my life a little more than I think I can. Or be a little more passionate about life than I think I should be. That I can reach out to a few more people (strangers included) and offer my help a few more times than I think is necessary. And maybe, if I do this, I'll finish out my life feeling like I did live fully...and that I was on the road to being the best I could be. I'll never really get there - or at least I hope not...otherwise, what would I keep pushing for? But as long as I'm on the road of life giving it my all, I'm satisfied with that. Maybe it is what my mom said to me when I was little, "If you've done your very best, what more can I ask?"
Giving it my best on this second take of IM training...and hoping for the best, too.
Maybe I needed to do this IM training again to keep working all of this out...as evidenced in this post, there's still a lot I have to learn.
P.S. As a totally random footnote, the light bulb in the lamp on my bedside table burned out last week and I have yet to replace it so I've been using my headlamp at night to read...which has nothing to do with IM training but should make those of you who know me laugh! And on that note...this headlamp needs to be put to bed for the night...because that is one area where I still have massive room for improvement - SLEEP!
P.P.S. Happy birthday, Mor! Sorry we didn't get to talk on your birthday...hope you liked your present!