harvest moon

Well, I'm not sure there was really a harvest moon in Austin tonight but it sure did look like it. Orange. Low in the sky. Not completely full but getting there. And as if it were painted there just for me, I saw it on my way home from a college fair a tad before 10:00 p.m. and it immediately calmed by nerves. To be more exact, it let me breathe again. I'm pretty sure the pace of the last three days has had me on the verge of hyperventilating. Something I didn't even realize until I started breathing normally again this evening. Now to hang on to that through this next week.
College fair was a success which is always a great thing! Good feedback from admissions reps and from SAS families and students. Excellent!
Now for two more days of "barber shop" schedules. That's what I call these days when one college rep leaves and another comes in immediately. Like a barber shop where one guy gets out of the chair and the barber looks up and says, "Next..."
And then final prep work for the PSAT and Essay Editing Day next Wednesday...and then a slight pause. Phew. And on top of it all, I'm launching some new college counseling stuff at school - trying to get technology to help me...why does it always seem like more work at first?!
In other matters, when it comes to relationships with my family I am convinced I am going to die an eternal optimist that when things are rough that they will get better. I'm stubborn when it comes to letting people go because I have this fierce loyalty to and passion for family and friends. But I do sometimes have to wonder if I'm being foolish in my optimism and hopefulness? I guess only time will tell.
Life is very full and busy right now. There is no downtime at work. There is very little downtime outside of work (partly because work sometimes spills over into my "outside of work" life...but only for another little while). It's all good. I'm not complaining. There is a certain rush from being this busy, that's for sure. I'm just not sure how I'm keeping up with it all...I hope I AM keeping up with it all! I know someone will tell me if I'm not!

who am I?

I saw this postcard this weekend and it made me laugh.
Yeah, I'm 35 years old and I feel like I'm still figuring out who I want to be. (And some days, what I want to be, too!) I'm a heck of a lot closer to that answer than I was at 25...when I was pretty sure I knew everything. How misled I was! I'm even closer than I was when I was 30. Maybe I'll have the answer by the time I'm 40?! Or maybe I'll still be figuring it all out. I guess in a way I want to still be figuring it out because I've never thought of myself as one to stay stagnant for very long.
Our yoga teacher Deralyn wears a shirt from time to time that says "Transformation in progress". I love it. It sounds so much nicer and more graceful than "work in progress" although I'm pretty sure I'm more of a work in progress than a transformation in progress on any given day. Ah...I can always dream of more grace.
I needed a little today. I got all riled up about this very question "who are we", in fact, as it applies to St. Andrew's? I feel like we know who we are as a school and yet sometimes we're afraid to really live into that because of the consequences, because of who it might leave out...or include. I was in a discussion today that was all about SAT scores and data to compare us to other schools and accomplishments and careers of our graduates as a way to promote us in the community, and I'm afraid I didn't respond all that gracefully to the notion that there are only acceptable careers to list or that our SAT scores answer the question of "who are we?". I can apologize for raising my voice. But I can't apologize for believing that we're a school that welcomes back a student who had to leave because his mother was diagnosed with cancer and the family wasn't sure it would be able to juggle treatments, homework, the commute, etc... That we're a school where an advisor stops to make a student a PB&J sandwich in some hope that it will make the moment feel a little better...and provide a place of comfort in a rough day. That we're a school that really does care about the whole child.
We're a big heart with high expectations because we believe kids/teenagers are capable of great things. We're a place that believes in students and tries to help them believe in themselves. We're a place that serves as a reality check in hopes of preparing them for the world after St. Andrew's where we want them to lead meaningful lives for themselves and those around them. We're a place where adults try to model what we ask for from students and where students push us to be our best...and vice-versa. We're a place that looks out for one another and that provides a safe enough community to dream big dreams even if you don't reach them. We're a place where compassion and accountability co-exist.
And I'm not sure how to quantify those things on a piece of paper for prospective families. But THAT is who we are.
Now who am I? I might not be as clear about that...transformation/work in progress, I think.

buzzing

I know. Monday is when I usually write about yoga. And calm. And peace. And, yes, the first hour of my day in the YogaVida studio was like that. In fact, Amy and I mused that we wished we could have stayed with our feet in the air up against the wall all day... It's so amazing when you're in that final resting pose - for a few minutes I forget that there's a big world out there, that there are problems, that there is sadness, that there is stress...and I just sit there and am still. It's like a little oasis.
But the moment I walk out the door, I'm hit with the realities of the world. Granted, the realities of my world leave little room for complaint most days. All the same, I'm trying to figure out how to keep that peacefulness of the yoga studio with me a little longer. Because, for example, as soon as I stepped foot on campus, my adrenalin starting running.
I had a full day of college reps...7 (which is as many periods as we have in the day)...plus a lunch meeting that I knew was going to be a tough one. And it was. Raised voices. Tears. Frustration. Mostly remedied by a PB&J during chapel and a "to do" list. Ending result was a student leaving my office saying, "Thank you. I feel a lot better. I think I can do this." I smiled and said, "I know you can. And we're here to help you. But you have to let us help you." Adolescence is tough. It's this wonderful bridge between childhood and adulthood and the students I work with are so desperate to be adults but so longing to still have certain things done for them like children. They want to be in charge. They want to take control. And yet when they do, disaster sometimes unfolds because they didn't really know what they were stepping into. Ah...growing up. It's not easy. It's necessary and painful and, in the end, rewarding. But the reality checks I have to provide along the way are not always welcomed. As two people said to me today, "Someday they will thank you for being honest with them." I sure hope so. (Even if it's twenty+ years from now!)
Leaving campus I felt as if I had pure energy pulsing through me. I think an hour of acupuncture took that energy level down a notch...probably a good thing. But I still had a solid hill workout (a new one! thanks, Coach Logan!) after. I actually felt much better and calmer as soon as I started running - which is weird considering we did hill repeats that shot my heart rate through the roof. I think I just needed that adrenalin from the day to be harnessed by some physical activity rather than mental and emotional activity!

hidden kitchens

Some kitchens might be hidden...what happened in mine today is about to be uncovered.
Morning - cookie bars to send to Gran
Mid-day - choosing recipes for the week and after a trip to Costco (with Amy...fun!) and Central Market...
Evening - roasted veggies, Chicken Provencal (minus the olives because I don't like them...oh, the joy of cooking for yourself!), raisin bran muffins
YUM! and FUN! What a nice way to spend the day...in between an 8 mile run and some work to get ready for the two crazy weeks that are ahead of me.
In the midst of my cooking spree today...nice to be back on this schedule of Sunday cooking, by the way...I started to listen to some CDs that Aunt Mary had given to me while I was in CA this summer. I know, it took a while. Well, it was completely appropriate for today because it was "Hidden Kitchens" - Stories from NPR's The Kitchen Sisters. "Hidden Kitchens" explores the "below the radar cooking" and looks at how food brings communities together. I guess my cooking is no longer "below the radar" since I seem to blog about it a lot. And I sure do need to use it to bring some friends together sometime soon. But for today, I enjoyed hearing about the Chili Queens of San Antonio, NASCAR kitchens, and the birth of Rice-A-Roni...which, by the way is known as the "San Francisco Treat" but it's really from the combination of a Canadian, an American, and an Armenian!
P.S. The wine really was for the chicken recipe...I'd already had my adult beverage for the day...we needed something to fight off the humidity after Costco!

same and different

I'm stealing my theme for today from our Alumni Director, Jim Heck, who welcomed members of the Class of 2004 back to St. Andrew's by describing things that are the "same" and things that are "different" at St. Andrew's since they left.
It started me down a pathway of thinking about things in my life that are the same...and different...from two or three years ago. And it turned out to be a funny day for that just in terms of what I did today.
I set no alarm since I wasn't working out today and had no fear of not waking up in time for a 10 a.m. brunch! (This body has never really been able to sleep in...always the first one up at slumber parties as a little kid...annoying! I only sleep in when I'm overly tired or sick.) Anyway, it was very different to not be waking up to go exercise in some way, shape, or form on a Saturday morning. And it felt really nice. I woke up way too early (around 6 a.m.), rolled back over and slept a little more, woke up again and read for a while, then went back to sleep for a little while...then got up for good.
At school seeing the Class of 2004 was wonderful...I felt the same joy being with them as I did when they were students. They made me laugh like they always did. And they made me proud...like they always did. They are working...or looking for work. They are in school...or teaching. They have hiked the Appalachian Trail (so jealous!) and been cast as extras on Friday Night Lights. They have grown up...and they are still kids at heart. And catching up with them did my heart good.
They all trotted off to the Austin City Limits Music Festival in the rain - weird...it's usually blistering hot for ACL, but not this year. What a mess it must be down there in Zilker Park! I headed over to my office to get some work done...and ended up staying there until almost 6 p.m. this evening. This is very different from my work routine as of late, but very much the same as it was two years ago. When I was doing two full-time jobs at school, I used to work crazy hours - unhealthy hours. I got by on 4-5 hours of sleep a night and worked a good 7-8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. How I did that I'm not really sure. I guess where there's a will, there's a way...or divine intervention! At any rate, I pretty much closed off my emotions that year and moved into survival mode. Really not a pleasant or happy thing. So it was nice today to go back to that place of working on a Saturday...most of the day...and recognize that it did not make me happy! To be in touch with my emotions enough to know that I don't want to go back to that mode. I don't mind doing it (working a long day on the weekends) when I have a ton of stuff on my plate or big projects to plan, but it was confirmation that I don't want to live that way anymore. And that felt good.
Same Elizabeth, different outlook. Or maybe different Elizabeth, different outlook. Who knows?

friday quotation

I've been thinking a lot about why I keep blogging and I realize that the question is more about why I keep writing (because that's a HUGE part of why I blog). So I turned to Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird - Some Instructions on Writing and Life and sure enough, she gave me some food for thought on this matter...

"We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in. Most human beings are dedicated to keeping that one door shut. But the writer's job is to see what's behind it, to see the bleak unspeakable stuff, and to turn the unspeakable into words - not just into any words but if we can, into rhythm and blues...
But you can't get to any of these truths by sitting in a field smiling beatifically, avoiding your anger and damage and grief. Your anger and damage and grief are the way to the truth. We don't have much truth to express unless we have gone into those rooms and closets and woods and abysses that we were told not to go in to. When we have gone in and looked around for a long while, just breathing and finally taking it in - then we will be able to speak in our own voice and to stay in the present moment. And that moment is home."

Off in continued search of the door I'm not supposed to go in to...who knows what I'll find. (Actually, I think I've already opened the door, peeked in, and stepped in a little bit. I think I'm supposed to go back in completely...yikes!) Anyway, I'm sure my blog will let you know what I find.

light show

oops...not that type of light show!
Tonight on my way home from spin I have to admit I was a bit distracted by the fabulous lightning show that was going on to the west of me. Over the hills of Austin the sky was all lit up...quite naturally. It was really something. I wish that I'd been in a place to pull over to the side of the road and watch it. Better yet, I wish I'd been out in the country or on the seashore on a front porch or camping watching it roll in. That's one of my favorite things in life. I love the danger and power and beauty of a good storm. But for tonight, I'll be happy if we do get a nice rainstorm (not the hail they are predicting though!) and I can go to sleep hearing the rain outside. I can't hear it on the roof of my condo but in my mind, I'll imagine rain on a tin roof (another favorite thing!) and it will sing me to sleep. We're supposed to get some good rain storms tonight and throughout the weekend. I can't wait! And my days off couldn't come at a better time training-wise. Speaking of days off...can't wait for those either! One more workout - a swim at BS which I love - and I'm done until Sunday. My body is going to thank me. I'm glad to oblige.