bye, bye extreme ETG

So I had a very funny conversation yesterday with a dear friend and mentor. Well, it was a wonderful conversation because she is wise and thoughtful and rational and passionate and all of those good things I would like to be someday. As we were nearing the end of it she said, "So are you sad not to be racing in Idaho in a few weeks?" Without a moment of hesitation I said, "NO! And it's funny, I thought I might miss it. Have 'race envy'. But I don't. I've been loving living my life this way." And then, poor soul on the other end of the line, had to listen to my semi-recent epiphany.
I went from a year of extreme work (when I was interim Head of Upper School)...the serious, non-stop, 24-7, every night, every weekend, very unhealthy kind of work. And it was inspiring and energizing and defeating and exhausting at the same time. But it was pretty boring. Not the work itself but aside from my daily workouts and a few moments of getting together with friends, it was pretty mundane. And it definitely didn't make me happy.
My antidote: do an Ironman! Because you can't really work all the time and train for an Ironman. And I don't think I trusted myself to be able to all of the sudden back off of the work without a tangible thing to go to. (Yes, I realize, this is not normal thinking!) Unlike working all of the time, I didn't train all of the time; but my time not spent working was spent mostly on my bike, on the trails, in the pool/BSP, or resting/recovering. Again, not a lot of time for friends or other things that I like to do. This routine, this training was also energizing and exhausting but it was always more inspiring than defeating. And I was with a whole new group of friends and that was priceless to me. But after two years of it, I started to think "there's still something missing." I didn't know exactly what it was so I didn't try to fill my calendar. I couldn't. Not in any authentic way. Because I didn't know what I wanted to fill my life with. So I sort of left my calendar empty.
And I only said "yes" when my heart told me to. And I started saying "no" more than I used to. And I settled into just living. You know, trying to achieve that healthy, balanced, meaningful life that (I think) most of us want to live. The life that includes things that we love which makes us better humans overall...allowing us to give more to the people around us, take in life more fully, see the simple things in the world as gifts and give thanks, laugh more deeply, live more authentically, and love more freely.
This all sounds lovely. And maybe it sounds easy. And maybe for some folks it is. And while the idea of it resonates so loudly with me I can feel it to my core, I'm really not always very good at living it. And that's what I was explaining to my dear friend this year had been about and she literally took the words out of my mouth, "Wow. That's pretty ambitious of you, Elizabeth. You're sort of an extremist. Whatever you do you do it to the best of your ability and with all of your heart and soul. You don't cut yourself any slack. I think this new attitude is healthy. And I'm proud of you." I quickly said, "Thanks. Don't get me wrong...I'm definitely not there yet - wherever there is. But I'm trying. Some days I'm better than others. But it's a good journey to be on. I can feel that - even when I'm uncertain of exactly what I'm doing."
Does it mean I'll never race again or take on another consuming job again? Probably not. I think it does mean that I won't do either to the detriment of living this life that I'm trying to live. That I won't use either as an escape from something else or as a remedy for the other.
Does it mean that I haven't had moments of regression to my extreme self recently? Absolutely not...this last stretch of school was not pretty where that was concerned. But I am more aware of when I go back to my comfort mode of extremism. And my body reminds me more profoundly these days that it doesn't like it either!
So there you have it. I'm trying to let go of living life in extreme mode. I'm still trying to figure it out. I wrestle with questions like "can I still be extremely anything?" like extremely loving, compassionate, thoughtful, passionate, grateful, etc... The list goes on. And I'm not sure.
But I have a whole like ahead of me as a non-extreme version of ETG to figure it out. Or to try to figure it out. And maybe that's part of the answer, too...that there really is no figuring it out. After all, that would be an extreme in and of itself because then I'd be there, I would have "arrived", and then I'd be asking "what next?" instead of just being, just living, just feeling the world around me and letting it direct me to whatever is next. It's a little unnerving, I tell you. But I think we have to be pushed out of our comfort zone to really start living, right? Let's hope so!