why I go to church

One of my all-time favorite authors is Anne Lamott (I actually quoted her in one of my very first blog posts reflecting on why I was going to have a blog...and I can't believe I haven't quoted her in my blog since then. Maybe I have and I've forgotten!). I love her voice. I love her candor. I love her stories. I love that I feel like I know her even though I've never met her. And I love her thoughts on spirituality.
Today as I left church I thought, "Why have you started going to church again on Sundays?" The history behind this question is sort of emotionally charged. I used to be very involved in my church - youth group leader, small group participant...heck, I even dated someone there for a while. I had a core group of friends there - older women, women my age, men. And it was good. It was another community in Austin outside of St. Andrew's that I felt connected to.
But then faculty meetings got in the way of Wednesday night Bible studies and training got in the way of Sunday morning services. And our beloved pastor moved away (well, so did the guy that I dated). And things just felt different. Or maybe I was different.
At any rate, I found myself going to the evening services at St. Andrew's - which was both comfortable and convenient. I'd often be up at school anyway getting ready for the upcoming week and it was easy to take a break or finish up and go to the service before I headed home. I can't say that I ever felt disconnected from my faith or spirituality. In some ways it's tough to do that when you go to chapel every day. But that is not necessarily where or when I felt most connected. That was/is often a time of making sure that my students are not talking and are paying attention and are not sleeping. But it did remind me to revisit my faith each day. To ask the tough questions. To trust a little more. And I did that.
So why this fall did I feel the urge to start going to church again? I'm really not sure.
I wish I had some amazing story that led me back to church, but really it was quite uneventful. I might give Fisher (and Kimberly and John) some credit for letting me tag along with them to an Episcopal church in town. And I do give them credit for that. But why I thought to ask in the first place is a bit of a mystery. And I have to give the Rookie triathlon a little credit for me returning to Covenant - the church where I had invested so much in my early years in Austin. Volunteering at the Rookie put me back in Austin with too much time on my hands to go to church with Kimberly, John, and Fisher...and just the right amount of time to make the 9:30 service at Covenant. So without even thinking I got ready and drove up MoPac to the church that had once been a second home to me.
And in the parking lot I began to get really nervous.
It had been a long time since I'd been in that sanctuary. What if someone asked me where I'd been for two (or was it three?) years? What would be an acceptable answer? What if I was overcome by some emotion that I couldn't handle and had to leave? Clearly, there was more to my having stayed away than triathlon training and a crazy year at work! But for a reason that is as mysterious as why I started going back to church in the first place, I decided that day that I needed to face whatever those invisible fears were and walk into the sanctuary and sing and pray and sit and reacquaint myself with a place that had at one time been so special to me.
Thankfully, I was getting there very close to the start of the service so I slipped into a seat on the back row. Easy in. Easy out. Hopefully unnoticed. As the choir started to sing (the music there really is wonderful), my heart started to beat in a less frantic way. My mind stopped racing, my ears started listening, and my soul quieted down. And I found myself really enjoying myself. There were still a million things going on internally, but I was able to tune them out for that one hour and pray and worship with a vibrant community. And as quietly as I'd slipped in, I slipped out. And that was sort of perfect, too.
And the next weekend I went back.
And I've been going ever since...unless there's a special event like graduation or a friend's baptism at another church or something like that.
And I get nervous every week. That I'm going to see someone or be asked some difficult question. And so far I've only seen older friends there (the folks who are a few years older than my mom and dad's peer group) and they are just happy to see me...or anyone for that matter!
But I haven't really been able to answer the question of why I decided to start going back to church at someplace other than St. Andrew's. Maybe I don't have to have the answer. Maybe I'm just supposed to show up.
I do know that it's led me back to Anne Lamott and her chapter in Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith. It's the chapter called "Why I Make Sam Go to Church" and I've been thinking that it's part of the answer to why I go to church. "...and if you were to ask, this is what I would say. I make him because I can. I outweigh him by nearly seventy-five pounds. But that is only part of it. The main reason is that I want to give him what I found in the world, which is to say a path and a little light to see by. Most of the people I know who have what I want - which is to say, purpose, heart, balance, gratitude, joy - are people with a deep sense of spirituality. they are people in community, who pray, or practice their faith; they are Buddhists, Jews, Christians - people banding together to work on themselves and for human rights. They follow a brighter light than the glimmer of their own candle; they are part of something beautiful."
In reality, I'm part of lots of beautiful things even without church. But I do think Anne Lamott is on to something when she talks about what a sense of spirituality can bring to your life. I often talk about it as the acknowledgement, belief, faith that there is something bigger than you at work in this world and that your life is probably going to be a lot better and more peaceful and more rewarding if you can just accept that and let go.
And, yes, mostly I say this to myself. Because I need to hear it as much as the next person. And while I like to think that I'm in charge of my life because I'm a planner at heart, it really is comforting to know that in the biggest project of my life...my life...I'm really not in charge. So maybe that's why I go to church. Yes, for the community and the music and the guided worship. But also to be reminded that I'm ever so small in this world and that figuring it out isn't my responsibility. Living life to the fullest is. And I do that when I'm mindful of my spiritual center.