Christmas found me!

I have to admit, I was getting a little worried about me this holiday season. Much to the dismay of Walmart, Target, Hallmark, and even 95.5 which plays only Christmas music this time of year, the Christmas spirit had not really caught hold in my heart. I don't think of myself as a Scrooge but I was worried that like the Grinch perhaps my heart was two sizes too small this year. I don't love, love, love Christmas (I reserve that excitement for holidays like Thanksgiving) but I usually get some bit of the spirit in my blood and this year it just wasn't happening. I went shopping yesterday. I listened to Christmas music. I started writing a couple of Christmas cards. I opened more than a couple of Christmas cards. Nothing.
And then this evening, I went to the St. Andrew's Festival of Light and Evensong. But before I even entered the chapel, I could feel something stirring in me. I'd been working all afternoon in my office and had watched the campus being decorated but it wasn't until the sun set and all of lights had been dimmed that it felt like Christmas. The luminaria. The tree all lit up. The wreaths. The glow coming from the chapel. There's something magical about it.
And then standing in the chapel welcoming people to the service and handing out programs...seeing families and friends and students who remind me of why I love St. Andrew's...it was like the little icy layer that was preventing my heart from feeling Christmas melted away.
I'm not really sure why it was there. Maybe my busy schedule, my worries over getting deadlines met before leaving for the holidays, etc... maybe all of that got in the way of remembering that Christmas is only about 12 days away. Lame excuses but they are the best I can come up with.
But somewhere between the lovely service full of candlelight and music and my house, I became ready to celebrate Christmas. When I got home, I baked some Christmas cookies for my advisees (I had made the dough yesterday in some weak attempt to "feel" Christmas), I finished packaging Jezebel Sauce for my colleagues and friends. I put on Christmas tunes sung by Bing Crosby, the Carpenters, and James Taylor. And I made a final order of Christmas presents online.
I feel rather silly writing this because it seems like I was looking for Christmas and the spirit of it in stores or in manufactured things and really, I know better. Christmas has never been about the gifts for me. (As a token of love and friendship, I like gifts...but not for the sake of just giving something.) So I'm not really sure why I'm surprised that it took this chapel service to help me re-frame Christmas this year. Maybe I needed to be reminded that NOT finding Christmas at the mall (not that I've been!) is okay. That if I felt Christmas among friends and "extended family" here in Austin, that was okay. That if being reminded that the season is about Jesus' birth which let us all experience hope and grace and forgiveness and serves as a model of humility and generosity and love beyond belief couldn't happen anywhere but the St. Andrew's chapel, that was okay, too. Somehow that feels good to me. A relief. That finding my Christmas spirit this year happened right where it was supposed to. Maybe even when it was supposed to. And certainly how it was supposed to.
And now as I turn towards bed, I'm repeating a quiet prayer that we closed the service with tonight. It's one of my favorites, but it seems especially peaceful tonight in what can be a frenzied season and as an offering to friend and teammate Erin Lahr who we lost at this time last year when she was running the White Rock marathon.
Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen.
Blessings on everyone...those still with us and those who have passed on...this Christmas season and always.